Saturday, April 4, 2015

The Burden of Having Children with a Psychopath

The Temptation to Engage with The Psychopath

I am often tempted to engage with the NSP (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath) by checking email.  I have no reason to check email from him.  I resist the temptation.  I get a rush from the insults and the nonsense.  It is familiar and consuming.  It charges me up. 

It’s wrong to engage myself in the fight. I follow extremely-low-contact policies and procedures as a buffer, because there is ONLY a fight with an NSP.  It’s a fight in which everyone loses, including the NSP.  The NSP is so disordered that he would rather everyone lose, than everyone win.  Yeah, like that.      

Shared custody complicates life tremendously for any of us who have left an NSP.  We can’t get away.   Sometimes we must cooperate and compromise.  This is why I have developed protocols to keep myself safe.  It’s emotional hygiene. 

Sometimes I need to break my own rules. Like, I will talk to him on the phone.  Oh so rarely.  Here’s why: he knows the rules of my game, so he tries to use my rules against me, to complicate matters.  Sometimes I step outside my rules to get sh*t done.  It’s just what is required, as a parent.  And since I have my boundaries so strong, the walls so tall and fortified, I can step outside my safe zone and tangle with him.  Briefly.  For a purpose. 

It’s kinda like ripping off a band-aid quickly, just to get it over with.  Just have the conversation fast on the phone.  Get it done. Confirm details via email or text. 

It’s fine. 

He’s so knocked off balance by my blazing self-confidence that he’s got literally no idea what to do.  He’s shocked.  Sh*t gets done, and then I’m back on the hygiene horse of extreme low contact. 


The Burden of Shared Custody with a Psychopath

Someday this will all be over.  I don’t want to wish away my children’s childhood, especially since my time with them is already limited due to shared custody, but I must say what is super obvious, that:

It is an enormous and overwhelming burden to have children with a psychopath,


I love my children, wholly and completely, 


I live with that paradox every minute of my life. 

I have paid a heavy price by this forever-forced connection to my abuser through my children.  Had I not had children with him, I would have left him right away.  He did not show his psycho face in full until I was invested in full: married to him, vulnerable with tiny little babies and children underfoot. Trapped.

It isn’t just my suffering to consider.  My children suffer.  Needless suffering.  They have less than no father.  Their father is not fit to care for anyone, despite his shiny exterior, his advanced degrees, and his great big income.   

He looks good on paper. 

He can fool a target, for a while.   


---AKA Rose Lee Mitchell---

Art by Phoebe Baker
Title "Painted in Waterlogue"
used under creative commons license


  1. Wow! Really can relate to this entire post and I loved reading it.. had me laughing at some parts just because it was so familiar! Thanks for sharing!

  2. I too can relate to your posts. How do you refrain from telling him what you really think when you talk to him? Do you stay monotone?