A reader named Veronica is in the middle of a custody fight with an NSP. Her struggle sounds so similar to what I lived through. Here are my thoughts about her post.
Dear Veronica,
I can not offer you any Advice. I do not know you. I am not a counselor or a lawyer. But, what I can do is reply to your
post/questions in the following way:
Your story, struggle, worry, etc is all so familiar to me – from both my
personal experience and also the stories I have heard from others (in Real Life
and Online). I will address your
comments by sharing my personal experiences and thoughts.
VERONICA: His
emails upset me so much but people can't read them like I can.
RLM: In my situation, the NSP’s emails are mostly
written in a code of politeness. One thing the NSP continues to do (as he did
in our marriage and divorce) is to REWRITE HISTORY. He cannot (does not) keep track of his lies/stories, so I
have Conflicting Versions of Reality in HIS EMAILS TO ME. I do not bring this to his attention. I do not argue. It is a trap. I ignore it.
VERONICA: His are
exactly as you said--the implied threat. My threats are like the other gal who
commented--more subtle and covert--like everything else with this SOB.
RLM:
In response to the implied threat, the overt threat, the covert threat
--- I choose to IGNORE. He wants a
fight. I give him no fight. This was particularly hard for me to do
when we were ACTIVELY FIGHTING WITH LAWYERS BETWEEN US, and when custody and
child-support were not yet settled.
But I also didn’t have the skill set yet developed to appropriately deal
with a Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath.
My experience has taught me to not respond.
VERONICA: But he
has me to a point where I cannot read my own emails—
RLM:
I would have an anxiety mini-attack/moment whenever I had to open my
email account, because: would an awful email from him be there, waiting? It was like he could reach through the
internet and grab me, shout at me, etc.
I was advised by Experienced Women to sequester his emails to an account
especially for him. I have a post
that addresses this issue in detail.
+LINK+
VERONICA: then he
takes me to court and said that I am not working together with him to provide
the best care for my kids!! He is winning the war on winning people over. :( He
used the "I only want my kids to be cared for and safe".
RLM:
The NSP used this line on me also, and anyone willing to listen. “wanting what is best for the
children” “in the children’s best
interest” In time, however, his argument has
become thin. I find that most
people don’t give a damn about my personal struggle with my ex-husband. It is my burden. Other people have their own
burdens. The court system is
dealing with the types of abuse and neglect that makes my middle-class problems
look ideal. This is what I have
come to learn after many years of struggle.
VERONICA: Then he
set about showing that I was mentally unbalanced!! Then he got a professional
to say that I what poor judgment.
RLM:
There are so many versions of this abuse. The crazy ex-wife.
The mentally ill woman.
Women refuse to be controlled, refuse to endure the abuse any longer,
fight back, are driven crazy by the crazy maker. It is a tactic of the abuser to say that the target is
mentally ill. Some abusers are
better at perpetrating this crime than others. Plenty of professionals are taken in by the NSP, especially
when the NSP is smart, educated, successful.
VERONICA: Then he
parlayed that into a judge taking legal custody away from me--after the
narcopath lied about me in court. Now he has all kinds of "evidence"
that I am a bad mom and that I am damaging to my kids. Now he uses this
evidence that he manufactured by parlaying bulshit into reality. Now he is
seeking full custody because of those lies nd because the kids hate him--also
MY fault.
RLM:
This is tragic. I am
sorry. I have seen this in real
life with women who were married to high functioning, brilliant and successful
NSPs. One woman who I know
personally and in real life, had been a full-time stay at home mother. The kind of mother who volunteers at
the school constantly, who packs beautiful organic lunches, who makes sure her
children are beautifully dressed.
This mother looked like an angel, she was kind and engaged, and her
children were happy and healthy and smart. Clearly, nothing was wrong. Her highly successful and constantly working NSP-husband
orchestrated the divorce process to paint her as mentally unwell and unfit to parent. He extracted all sorts of WORK from her
to benefit his lifestyle just before the divorce was sprung on her, and then he
kicked her to the curb. He got
full custody of the children. He
did this by getting an expensive, experienced and cut-throat lawyer. She got a moderate and less-experienced
lawyer who apparently did not know how to go to battle for her. The NSP and his lawyer intimidated her
until she acquiesced. The NSP
still works unreasonable hours, and A NANNY cares for her children. But, I can tell you, that this woman
has made incredible good out of her life, and several years later, she is
living her dream in business, and has an amazing house. And every time I see her in real life,
she is happy. The kind of happy
that oozes out of her pores. She
is an example of how to thrive.
So, yes, horrible things happen, and we can rebound from them.
VERONICA: Either I
have one of the most cunning narcopaths ever--or I am the stupidest person ever
because I have somehow gotten completely destroyed by him--money, reputation,
house, credit, life, and now kids are the last to be taken from me totally.
RLM:
You may have one of the most cunning narcopaths ever. I don’t think it is our stupidity that
gets us conned. I think it is a
result of a good heart, a lack of training in the realities of the world, and
in my case: being primed for abuse by a parent… Another story for another day (or year, or decade).
Veronica: Can't
seem to ever fight back as he is a million steps ahead of me
RLM:
I find that fighting back was, and is, pointless. Because, yes, the NSP is always too far
ahead, and too practiced in evil.
He has had years of experience in being a disordered, lying, cheating
Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath. I
found (and find) that it is better to avoid and ignore than to engage. The NSP THRIVES on the nonsense. The nonsense makes me Literally
Ill. During my custody fight, I
held on for dear life. I still
didn’t get what was best for my children, or for me, but I did the best I
could. It has been, in so many
ways, consuming and intolerable.
But, I have had to tolerate the situation, as my children have also had
to tolerate. It is hard on
us. During the acute stage of custody fighting, I found that
holding my ground was my best defense (looking back).
Veronica: They will
never survive the onslaught of boundary issues and gas lighting that they will
encounter. How do I stop this and how do I save them???
RLM:
I felt similarly. I worried
similarly. I can say that my
children HAVE survived, so far.
They have suffered, but they are ok. Many people told me that my children would be okay, as
long as they had me in their lives.
I didn’t believe this for the longest time. I worried so much about their health, well-being, safety… They are ok, and I finally believe that
they will be okay. Because. They.
Have. Me. For so many years,
the NSP made me feel as if I was of no consequence. And then, after I left, I felt so desperate and scared. For myself. And for my children.
Time has passed, and I can see areas where my children would be happier
and stronger and more successful if the NSP had less power and influence over
their lives. Yes. It is true. But it is what it is.
This is what we have. This
is the culture that we currently live in.
And we do the best we can do.
And, someone who I trust, who has tons of experience, and who knows me
and my children TOLD ME THAT MY KIDS WOULD BE OKAY BECAUSE THEY HAVE ME. And because of this, I feel much more
peace.
Veronica: I have
has 6 attorneys and NONE of them got what he was doing and all were
"won" over to his side with something that nobody will share with me.
When I meet them--the yare all abou t me getting justice. Buy the time they
have talked with or met his attorney--the yare telling me that I am lucky if I
would get custody in a trail..... All I have done--ever--was love and care for
my boys. However---he has done something to my name that just completely helps
him get whatever he wasn't. I have been"set up" with co-parenting
classes that HIS attorney picked and now "family therapy" that the
coparenting attorney and his attorney picked. I smell the same set-up I smelled
when his attorney got to pick th psychologist.!!! They are only meeting wit hme
and the boys which at first I thought was a good thing. Now I realize it is to
say what he accuses me of--tht I smother, tell them too much, rely on them for
emotional support..... None of ha tis true but so ealily provable with a few
well placed questions. My son told the therapist tha he helps by hugging me
when Icry. That is normal for a boy t odo and I just lose my young nephew and
ws crying a lot--but didn't react fast enough in the sessin to say that was why
I was crying so they implied thatI am suing him and trying to put him in the
"mans role " of the house!!! I am supposedly the one who also treats
them like babies--so which his it, right?? Why can't a mom get a hug from her
son when he sees her crying an why isn't seen as a good thing-- I have taught
them empathy.
They don't ask how often that happens or why that happened--the
only tape the sessions and make me feel like I am about to be executed. Really
they make me feel like I have been a bad mom and that I will lose custody
because of this. He gets off on keeping me in this state of panic.My first
nightmare came true--they believe hm all the time. Then I lost 50% custody. Now
he is shooting for the rest of the pie. The 50% custody I have and the house
and the money and the lack of debt to him.... I have failed miserably to
protect my children and made every mistake that I could. I am the poster child
for how NOT to deal with a narcopath. My children will suffer. I am out of
ideas and options. I was stupid. I lost it for me and now for them. :(
RLM:
I have felt that the professionals involved in our situation often sided
with the NSP. His credentials and
professional (psychopathic) demeanor often won them over. This caused me great pain
and worry. I held on for dear
life, and held my breath, and prayed and worried. I shook internally for years. I made lots of mistakes that cost me dearly. I fought too hard at times, during the
divorce. I was weary of
professionals who bought his nonsense and labeled me incorrectly, who didn’t
listen, and didn’t notice, and ultimately didn’t care. But I did find a few professionals who
did care, who did give good advice, and who ultimately did the best they could.
I wish you the best of luck.
Be well,
A.K.A. Rose Lee Mitchell
---
Veronica posted a response at
http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2013/03/anatomy-of-overt-email-threat.html
