The technique of disengagement works wonders.

It's been a handful of years since I left the NSP (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath).

I have learned how to remove myself from engagement with him.   It is particularly tricky to disengage when we share custody of our children.

I have learned in these many years that I do not need to communicate much at all with him.  He will try to engage me, and I will feel compelled to communicate openly and thoroughly because that is how I am in life.

I have learned that the NSP will use any information he is given, any detail, to abuse contort malign confuse distort.  The less information he has, the better off we are.  We = me and my children.

I am not his only target.  He targets my children too.  He lies, contorts, pathologizes.  How odd that I must share custody with such a monster, but I must.

People mostly do not understand.

People want to believe that a parent looks out for the best interest of his children.  Not so with the NSP.  It is all a game for power and control.

I use my self control and strategy to avoid the NSP.

Sometimes I am pulled under and into his game, and it feels horrible.  It can feel like a new wave of old abuses.  It can feel hopeless.  But in moments of peace, like the moments I am having now, I remember that it has all turned out alright.

I am alright.

I cannot control the world.  I am one person.  I am not God.  I cannot control the NSP or my children or my friends or my neighbors.  Giving up control is one of the healthiest and peace producing techniques that I've got in my pocket.

It has been a handful of years since I left the NSP, and I can see that my technique of disengagement has got me what I want.  I want peace.  The NSP knows that I am unavailable for drama.  There are always tests.  But, nowadays, I pass with flying colors mostly.  The result of good practice.

Do not engage.

Be Well,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

Don't argue. Don't feed the psychopathic beast.

The psychopath is gonna argue.  He's just gonna.  And you can't make him stop.  You can't.  So stop trying.

Here's a great article about arguing with a psychopath.  http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-21819/6-signs-youre-arguing-with-a-psychopath.html

So, don't. Don't argue.

.

I have to "co-parent" with the NSP (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath) that I unfortunately met, married, and had children with.  

Don't freak.  I love my children.  And I regret the fact that I ever made babies with their father.   Life is complicated.  Oh so very complicated when we involve a psychopath in our lives.

.

Co-parenting with a psychopath.  Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha.  Right.

He puts obstacles in the way.  He diminishes me in the minds of our children.  He takes every opportunity to f$ck things up, especially when no one is looking.  But even when someone is looking, he'll still be an a$$. Why?

He is a psychopath.  Narcissist.  Personality disordered.   And he will not change.

I will not change either.  I'm a highly empathetic and straight forward person.  

I used to be a perfect target for a psychopath.  Not anymore.   I know how to deal.

.

The NSP will argue.  That is fine.   I don't have to argue back.

There is no argument.  I say what I say.  He says what he says.  I cannot control him.  I cannot control anyone.  If he chooses to undermine me, he can.  If he chooses to diminish me, he can.   It's his right to do so.  Shocking, I know!   This is the man I chose to marry!  He was so awesome!  Snow job!

An attitude of "whatever" is very handy.  It's hard to be "whatever" about my kids, but, it's really the only option.

Other options include fighting with the NSP, which is highly unpleasant and a waste of time.  And, life is short.  So so so so short.  Why waste it arguing with a psycho?  Another option is to be worried and upset!  I can go on and on in my brain about it, what a huge narcissistic a$$ he is, but that is not healthy and a waste of time.  Did I mention that life is short?  So short!  I already wasted years and years of my short life living with him, suffering through a horrible marriage with him, and escaping him!  I don't wanna waste another minute on his mind stealing nonsense!

Let. It. Go.

Easy to say.  Hard to do, at first.   But, it comes easier with practice.

Today I feel like a champ.

.

He set me up for failure and fight with my kids.

I didn't take the bait.

I said what needed to be said to the psychopath, in keeping with the "co-parenting" arrangement that we have.  Any outside observer can see that I have done my duty.  It is coherent, appropriate, concise.

There is nothing to

Work out.
Hash out.
Debate.
Negotiate.
Re-articulate.
Clarify.
Reiterate.
Justify.
Review.
Repeat.

You get it.

There is no circular argument to participate in.  He doesn't get to waste my time.  And he is going to do exactly what suits him.

His goal was probably just to yank our chains.  Drive a wedge between us.  Disappoint and upset.

And you know what?  He is capable of doing that.  He is interested in doing that.  And he does it all the time.

Oh well.  I can't control him.  And I don't try.

Is it disappointing?  Sure.  But I am so tired of being disappointed that I'm not even gonna go there.

Moving on.

.

Much love.  Be well,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

The Psychopath's Holiday Parade of Woe and Nonsense

It's the holiday season.  The NSP (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath) is going to act crazy.  Get ready.

Why must we deal with such nonsense?  Why?  Why?  Why?

I have no answer.

I know that the NSP in my family of origin acted out during the holidays. I know that my children's father will be doing his annual crazy dance during the most wonderful time of the year.

For him, the crazy season begins with Thanksgiving.  It ends after New Years Day.  Every other holiday, birthday and major family event will also be ruined.  Any time I had anything special or significant happening in my life, he'd be sure to screw that up too.

My last memory of the last special event he sabotaged was a job I had scheduled for out of town.  That was the last time I booked an out of town job while we were married.  I had learned the pattern.  Why bother trying to do anything while being married to him?

The last Christmas he ruined was the Christmas before I left him.  I was feeling suicidal for about 15 minutes while reeling from his non-stop verbal attacks and his screaming hysteria that would last for hours.  I sat on my bed and thought about how I didn't want to live.  This turned out to be a fine moment in my life.  It was that moment that it occurred to me:

I had a good life before him.  
Logically, I could have a good life after him.
So, I should leave him.
I should get a divorce.

That was the moment I started my plan of escape.  I opened a new credit card account; I had a good reason to justify it - I could save money on purchases with the card discount.  I got a new mobile phone with a new carrier so that the account was in my name only, and he couldn't cancel it; I had a good justification for that too.  My plans went on and on, and I eventually escaped.

I spent many ruined holidays with my psychopathic husband.  I could generally keep my head above water.  I remember throwing a great holiday party even though he had been throwing a fit for days, and I had shed many tears.  Our house looked beautiful, the food was wonderful, I looked put together and happy, my kids were darling.  But I was living in a hell.

Mr. PsychoMan still tries to ruin the holidays for me, even though we are divorced.  He attempts a lot of contact.  He needs a dog to kick.  He creates nonsense dramas which I have become increasingly good at avoiding. Even so, he still likes to waste my time, or try to.

Wasting our time is one of the NSP's greatest joys.  He needs all that attention.  Wheel spinning.  Drama.  Circular argument.

Time passes, I grow wiser,  my children grow older and more independent,  I heal from the exposure of having been in an "intimate relationship" with a psychopath.

Someday my kids will be all grown up, and I will be completely free of the custody coordination drama nonsense.  It will be over.  I do not wish my children's childhood away, but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel, and the other side of it is complete freedom from the psychopath.

















It's the first week of December and I have my seatbelt fastened.  We've already experienced plenty of psychopathic sabotage this holiday season.  We are three weeks into it.  Lots of crazy email nonsense.  Attempts to pull me into arguments.  Sabotage of the children.  Inappropriate face to face contact with me.  On and on.

At this point, I am a freaking expert at the NSP Holiday Parade of Woe and Nonsense.  I can hardly care about it.  But more is to come.  I am ready.

And if you, who are reading this, are in the throws of personality disordered drama and nonsense, I wish you the very best.  I hope that you find a way to remove yourself from the situation as soon as you possibly can.

Be well, people,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell


Do you have a story of Holiday Woe and Nonsense that you would like to share?
Feel free to leave it in a comment below.


Image Credits:
Creative Commons license
Found on Flickr
Dancing Reindeer by Carlos "A Christmas Fantasy Parade Reindeer"
Toy Soldiers by Anna Fox "A Christmas Fantasy Parade"

The Myth of Co-Parenting

It is impossible to co-parent with an NSP (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath).  To call it co-parenting is an insult to the parent who actually parents.

The NSP takes information and uses it to cause confusion and pain.

I've been thinking about Attachment recently.  One of our helpers talks about how I am my children's primary attachment figure, and because they have me, they will be saved.  Their disordered father does everything he can to undermine my children's attachment to me.  Why would he do that?

Because he is evil.

Because if he can't win, everyone must lose.

My children come home to me,  consistently, shattered.  Trauma.   They are shattered and I must parent these broken children.  They have been told that I am wrong, and bad, and sick, and scared.  They have been told lies about me.  These lies are designed by their psychopathic father to distance my children from me, to weaken their bonds of attachment.

This is the culture we live in.  My house.  These times.

I cannot co-parent with the psychopath.

If I share information about our children's likes, dislikes, habits, preferences - that information is twisted to undermine them, and me.  Better to just keep it to myself.

I learned this the hard way.  Of course.

Every interaction I have with their psychopathic father, is guarded.  I share information very carefully, always strategically.

Always strategic.

It is the best way to protect my kids from the psychopath, and to ensure that I remain an active part of their lives.

Be Well,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell


If you have questions about what I have written about the Myth Of Co-Parenting, feel free to comment below, and I will do my best to answer.

If you have an experience you'd like to share, please comment below.  I'd like to hear it.