Tuesday, August 11, 2015

How I Deal with the Psychopath's Email Nonsense - Decode and Ignore

The NSP (narcissist/sociopath/psychopath), with whom I share custody of our children, will never stop his barrage of hatefulness toward me.  He will never stop manipulating every person in his path.

His nonsensical, lie-filled, mind-bending emails will never stop.  They come intermittently now, since I so rarely engage via email. I mostly text, for this very reason.  Sometimes, however, I must email and the barrage typically ensues. Why? Because he can.  He has an audience.

Granted, the latest hate-emails came predictably.  I stepped outside of the box he built for me.  In my box I must worship him duly.  I must slather him in praise, adoration and (false) sincerity.

I read that an NSP cannot tell the difference between a compliment and flattery, the genuine and the fake.  I believe that may be true.

I dared to draw a boundary, a line in the sand.  And [sarcasm] one must never ever establish rules with a NSP, limiting their scope and power.  Never ever.

I also questioned his Good Judgment.  [More Sarcasm] Never ever do that.  Not ever.  The NSP is Omnipotent.  Close to Godly.  Do not defy him.

Seriously.  It's all fine.  I'm used to it. And he is so far away.  Not in my home.  I maintain such distance that I rarely see his face.  I practically never speak to him on the phone.  I generally count our interactions in characters, like a twitter post.

I used to tally the word count of his emails.  2000 word emails were common.  Twisted logic and pontifications.  Demeaning.  His words rattled me.  (That's an understatement).

Now, his emails simply take up more space in my brain than I would like.  I think that is the job of a bully, to make their presence known to the target.  To be important.  To be seen.  To matter.

I'm hopeful that as time passes, his presence in my brain will continue to lessen.  The trend looks promising!

Here is a run down of his most recent barrage, simplified and decoded.

A summary:

"You are a bad mother.  
You are selfish and inconsiderate.  You cause our children pain because of your thoughtlessness and cruelty. 
You are unaware that you lack empathy. 
You are dumb.
You are a bad person.
I am better than you.
You had better not cross me, or I will make your life very hard, and you know I can make you suffer.  
You are a neglectful mother.
I am a perfect father.
The children say you are a bad mother.
You had better bow down to me.
You are bad and lazy.
If you don't do what I want, and bend to my will, I will be a monster. "

He doesn't outright say all of this.  Some of it he states, some is just implied.  Vague, so as to terrify (he uses this tactic on our children).  He lies about the children.  He throws them under the bus.  No wonder I was under such stress during the marriage and divorce!  Dealing with all that!  I had to deal with it until I decoded it, and learned to buffer myself from it.  (Link)

I say it's fine, because it is now.  Really.  

Sure, I'd PREFER to not have any contact with the NSP, ever again for as long as I live.  Since I can not make that happen, it has to be fine.  It has to be fine, because I want to live a nice life.  I have learned to buffer, to decode, to ignore.


The reasons we ignore the nonsense:

1. We have better things to do with our time.
2. Our energy is better spent on things that bring us joy, growth, income....
3. Ignoring the NSP's nonsense sends the message that "I Don't Care".  This makes the NSP look elsewhere for drama and engagement, and this results in less work for us!
4. It's all nonsense, so, why bother?

My tactic is to proceed like he never said those things.  I just skip over it.  

It's somewhat tempting to defend myself, and argue with him.  But, less so over time.  Like curing a problem with compulsive spending, I have trained myself to avoid triggers, and delay gratification.

If I do need to acknowledge something in his whacked out message, it is an innocent "I'm confused" or "I'm not sure what you mean".  Then, I will redirect the conversation the direction it should have gone the whole time, except that, since the NSP is Personality Disordered, he can not behave in a normal, rational, human way.   

Not My Fault.  

And (except for the fact that I have to deal with a grown man who often behaves much like a strangely articulate three year old throwing a full-blown temper tantrum) Not My Problem.

A tool to try:

When dealing with an NSP on the attack, decode the messages by writing out the bottom-line meanings.  See if this helps to abate your cognitive dissonance and upset.  And let us know how it works.


Be well. 


AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

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