Letting Go

Control is the Psychopath's tool.  He wants to control, manipulate, destroy.

Control is something we actually have very little of.  I cannot control other people.  I cannot control my psychopathic ex-husband.  By attempting to control other people, we make ourselves sick.  I believe this is a tenet of Al-anon.  Let go and Let God.

Our culture has trended towards shared custody between mother and father.  The psychopathic father uses his rights of 'ownership' to control, intimidate, coerce.  During my marriage, my psychopathic husband used custody to control me.  I feared leaving him because he was dangerous on many levels: dangerous to me, and dangerous to our small children.  I had to stay to protect them.

This is where the unknowledgeable person, some of whom are unfortunately professional helpers, are mislead into thinking that the psychopath's true colors showed before the children came.  That somehow the victim-target-wife knew what she was getting into, and therefore 'deserves it'.  I literally had a very high-paid 'helper' voice such an opinion to my face.  Fabulous.

No.  I did not know who he was before I married him.  Despite the fact that I resisted his attempts to marry me quickly, and we were engaged to be married for an entirely decent amount of time, I did not know.  He was and is a psychopath.  He wore his mask until it was far far far too late.

---

Time passes.  I escaped the psychopath.  I have licked my wounds.  Custody was finally agreed upon.  Property was finally divided.  The world turns.  I watch other marriages dissolve besides my own.  I stretch out in my knew abode.  My children grow and grow and grow.  I get better at managing the nonsense of the psychopath and his mind-bending games that he plays with me and my children.  I find helpers who actually help.

But none of us can control the psychopath.  To attempt to control a disordered individuals behavior makes us sick and crazy.  My kids grow up and I let go.

What A Relief!

I am watching my children come into their own.  They are still young, but they are their own people.  And I am less responsible for their choices.  What A Relief!

I regret choosing That Man to be their Father!  Of Course!  What a MISTAKE!   But it is done, un-do-able, and forever.  They are his children, and they are stuck with him.

THEY are stuck with him.

I am not.

This is where someone likes to remind me, that, yes I am stuck with him forever, because he is their father.  Um, YEAH, I am clear that he is their father.  Duh.  Don't be dense.

And then someone likes to remind me that it's not all bad, because I got great kids out of the deal.

Again: DUH!  I don't need to be reminded of that.  Thanks.  I know they are awesome.  I have wrung myself out helping to keep them safe and well inside of a shit-storm of emotional abuse.  Thanks.  I'm clear.

---

Back to my point.

Letting Go.

1. My kids are growing up.  They are responsible for themselves more and more.  I can let go of so many of my worries.  We have made it this far.   I now have faith that they will grow up okay.

2.  He's THEIR father.  Not my father.  They are stuck with him.  I'm not.

3.  I cannot control anyone.  That's good news.   So I don't have to try.

Hallelujah.


Be Well People,

Love, AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

Emotional and Verbal Abuse via Email

Emotional abuse via email.

We complain about how the abuser continues to berate us post-divorce.  Despite the passage of time and reduced contact, we still receive his hate via email.  We can't escape reading the incessant and pointless arguments, because we had the grave misfortune of having their children.  But, we can and do choose to not respond to the bait. 

Even though I am many years separated and divorced from the NSP (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath), he routinely sends emotional assaults my way via email and by way of my children.  I have reduced face-to-face contact to nearly zero, so he doesn't come at me that way anymore.

Come at me.  Assault.  Abuse.  I use this language purposely.

The psychopath wants to kick you in the mouth precisely to keep you down.

He wants to knock the wind out of your sails, using all that intimate knowledge of your heart and history, gathered when he was your intimate partner.  If it is special to you, it will be used against you.  Hopefully you held some secrets back.  I did.  He'll use everything and anything to hurt you.   He’ll take achievements that you feel proud of, and twist them into shameful experiences.   And you’ll be left wondering, WTF? 

This is why no contact is the best way to go.  Except, in our case, with dependent children in tow, we must maintain some contact.  In my situation, I currently dance between extreme low contact and controlled contact.  I control the contact.  My terms.  My show.

Recently I attended an event with my children. My exhusband appeared.  Oh, by the way, I looked fabulous (and confident and happy and strong).  Even though the sight of him was so much less-than-pleasant for me, I played it cool.  No biggie.  Yes, yes, yes, much time has passed.  And yes, of course, my cool wore thin as the night wore on - I can only take so much. (He spoke to me after all.  Vomit.)  Compared to years past when a mere glimpse of him would send me into a post-traumatic state --- this is major improvement and cause for celebration.

I try to avoid the face-to-face enounters also, because I believe that it flares the psychopath.  He sees me, and then some bad behavior follows.  He viciously attacks my children with hateful slanderous words about their mother.  (This is child abuse.)  He sends me hateful and slanderous emails accusing me of all manner of nonsense.  His swirl of hate spilling forth, while me and my kids are trying to live our lives.  And we’re like: WTF?  We mustn't be too happy or too comfortable, or daddy will come to destroy our calm, and knock us off center. 

Remember all those years when you were at his whim?  When you had to live in the same house?  They call it ‘walking on eggshells’ but that never resonated with me.  It was more like dodging bullets.  It was more like waiting for the bomb to go off.   Bombs detonating all weekend, and nearly every holiday.  What a life.  

I believe one of the best responses to such a (stupid and spineless) attack is no response at all.  Silence for him.  Oh Look, Daddy throwing a little hissy fit over there! Daddy is a drama queen. Next.

The latest attack on my self comes predictably.   After all, HE SAW ME.  He knows that I am doing great.   I look great.  Happy and calm.   

The shitty things he writes are annoying, but really, they are just stupid lies, and I'm not going to fight with him.  The part that hurts (and makes me feel small) is that I made such a mistake in CHOOSING HIM to be my intimate partner in life, and he turned out to be such a horror.  The sinking feeling of regret that I didn't know how to get away from him sooner.  The pain of wasted time - that it took me as long as it took to escape and untangle.   He got so far into my heart and mind that I am still recovering from his whittling away at my self esteem all these years later.  That sucks!    I didn't jump ship at 6 months, or one year.  I wish I had!  I was still strong back then!   I didn't know the signs, or what those signs meant.  If I had, I would have fled.  I didn’t trust my gut. 

But I didn't know!  Couldn't know!  Unfortunate me.  (This is one of the reasons that I write and share online, to shed some light on the abuse so many of us face.)

In response to the endless hate emotional abuse emails it is super tempting to "set him straight" and "tell him like it is".    No. No no no no no no.  He knows what the facts are.  I don't get it, but clearly he enjoys twisting the truth.  He delights in it.  

Think about that.   Years later.  He is still trying to engage his ex-wife.  Writing hate mail to her.  Seriously?  That is who he IS.   He is so sick and small and deranged that he writes hate mail to a woman who DUMPED HIM.  Who said: See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!    Who said: Later tater.   

He has a NEW WIFE and he is still focused on ME.  SERIOUSLY?????  Are you kidding me?  GET A LIFE man. 

And I'm not gonna actually say that to him.  Because, why?  Why engage?  Don't engage.  He lives for the fight.  The psychopath wants attention.  He is the earth and the sun circles round him.  Or rather, he wishes it did.  

Let it go.

So, my response to his latest version of reality, where I am the target of his hate:  

No response at all.   Let him spin. 

----

If you have an example of an emotionally abusive email from your ex, and you would like to share it,  you are welcome to.  Please remove all identifying information.  I will review it and post it.

----

Be well,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

Photograph by Olaf Eichler234/365Used under Creative Commons license

Related Articles: 

How the Emotional Abuse Continues in spite of Extreme Low Contact