Control is the Psychopath's tool. He wants to control, manipulate, destroy.
Control is something we actually have very little of. I cannot control other people. I cannot control my psychopathic ex-husband. By attempting to control other people, we make ourselves sick. I believe this is a tenet of Al-anon. Let go and Let God.
Our culture has trended towards shared custody between mother and father. The psychopathic father uses his rights of 'ownership' to control, intimidate, coerce. During my marriage, my psychopathic husband used custody to control me. I feared leaving him because he was dangerous on many levels: dangerous to me, and dangerous to our small children. I had to stay to protect them.
This is where the unknowledgeable person, some of whom are unfortunately professional helpers, are mislead into thinking that the psychopath's true colors showed before the children came. That somehow the victim-target-wife knew what she was getting into, and therefore 'deserves it'. I literally had a very high-paid 'helper' voice such an opinion to my face. Fabulous.
No. I did not know who he was before I married him. Despite the fact that I resisted his attempts to marry me quickly, and we were engaged to be married for an entirely decent amount of time, I did not know. He was and is a psychopath. He wore his mask until it was far far far too late.
Time passes. I escaped the psychopath. I have licked my wounds. Custody was finally agreed upon. Property was finally divided. The world turns. I watch other marriages dissolve besides my own. I stretch out in my knew abode. My children grow and grow and grow. I get better at managing the nonsense of the psychopath and his mind-bending games that he plays with me and my children. I find helpers who actually help.
But none of us can control the psychopath. To attempt to control a disordered individuals behavior makes us sick and crazy. My kids grow up and I let go.
What A Relief!
I am watching my children come into their own. They are still young, but they are their own people. And I am less responsible for their choices. What A Relief!
I regret choosing That Man to be their Father! Of Course! What a MISTAKE! But it is done, un-do-able, and forever. They are his children, and they are stuck with him.
THEY are stuck with him.
I am not.
This is where someone likes to remind me, that, yes I am stuck with him forever, because he is their father. Um, YEAH, I am clear that he is their father. Duh. Don't be dense.
And then someone likes to remind me that it's not all bad, because I got great kids out of the deal.
Again: DUH! I don't need to be reminded of that. Thanks. I know they are awesome. I have wrung myself out helping to keep them safe and well inside of a shit-storm of emotional abuse. Thanks. I'm clear.
Back to my point.
1. My kids are growing up. They are responsible for themselves more and more. I can let go of so many of my worries. We have made it this far. I now have faith that they will grow up okay.
2. He's THEIR father. Not my father. They are stuck with him. I'm not.
3. I cannot control anyone. That's good news. So I don't have to try.
Be Well People,
Love, AKA Rose Lee Mitchell