How Do I "get along" with the narcissist/sociopath/psychopath?

DO NOT ENGAGE. 

Communication Protocols

In this post, I aim to describe how I "get along" with the narcissistic/sociopathic/psychopathic ex-husband with whom I must share child custody.

With shared custody, one must participate with the other parent. "No Contact" is not possible.   But, how much participation must we actually have?   There is a rock-solid custody agreement.  There is very little to discuss. 

The disordered person wants engagement, drama, entanglement, confusion, details, discussion, attention, accusations, defenses, explanation….and on and on.   Give an inch, and he'll try to take a mile.  Therefore, the rule of the game is to Reduce Engagement With The Disordered Person As Much As Possible. 

I have a set of policies and procedures that I practice to reduce engagement with the disordered father of my child(ren). 

The Short List 

1. A Dedicated Mobile Phone, Only For Him.  

2. No Voice Conversations - Texts Only. 

3. A Dedicated Email Account, Only For Him.

4. Texts Instead of Email Whenever Possible. 

5. Reduce Face-To-Face Contact To Nearly Zero. 

6. Delay. a.k.a. The 24hr Rule.

Here's a little more detail.

1. A Dedicated Mobile Phone, Only For Him.  

My child(ren) always have access to this phone to contact their father. 

We have a spot where the phone lives in the house.

We have given the phone a name.  (Example: We named the Daddy-Phone "Peanut.")  
I think this helps reduce the drama for my child(ren). 

He may contact them on this phone. 

We do not call Daddy from Mommy's Phone.  

Daddy is not allowed to call Mommy's Phone.  

Daddy is only allowed to call The Daddy-Phone. 

2. No Voice Conversations - Texts Only. 

I do not talk to him on the phone. 

I text, and only from The Daddy-Phone. 

I don’t need the psychopath to reach out and touch me via my personal phone.  

He needs to be sequestered. 

I check the Daddy-Phone at least once per day. 

I do not check it at night, close to bedtime, because I don't need to get upset/rattled/energized. 

But, he doesn't text very much, because I don’t engage.

3. A Dedicated Email Account, Only For Him.

I used to check this once a day. 

Then, I checked it 2 times a week. 

Then, I checked it once a week. 

Nowadays, I check it about 2 times a month.  Or whenever I need to send something. 

4. Texts Instead of Email Whenever Possible. 

Texts are preferable to email. 

The shorter, the better. 

The less engagement, the better. 

The less I say, the less there is to say. 

Texting tends to keep his responses short.

5. Reduce Face-To-Face Contact To Nearly Zero. 

Custody exchanges happen at school.  Sometimes, when there is a holiday, or a teacher workday, we exchange the kid(s) in a public location.  I often have a friend do this for me.   I find that the more face-time he gets, the more agitated/enraged/interested he becomes.

6. Delay. a.k.a. The 24hr Rule.

When it seems like there is a need to respond to an email, I have a 24 hr rule.  There is usually nothing so important/urgent that demands a quick response.  I find that by giving myself a cushion of time, I give myself peace.   Often, I find that I can wait even longer.  A two or three day cushion lets me really measure my response.  Best case: an entire week.   Often, after waiting a week, I find that I don’t need to respond at all. 

More than anything, the psychopath (narcissist, sociopath) wants your attention. 

He wants your time, your energy and your pain. 

Don't give it.

http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2015/01/how-do-i-get-along-with.html

Photograph by Mark Nockleby on flicker. 
Title "Denver Roller Dolls Mile High Club roll out before the championship bout"
Used under the Creative Commons License