Peace

The N/P* tries to lure me into a fight.
He wants my time, and my attention.
He wants contact.

No.

The Art of Ignoring

It is only recently that I have realized how much intentionality it takes to IGNORE someone.

Effort.
No Contact or Limited Contact takes practice and skill.
Restraint.

I have Policies and Procedures to manage communication.

All the self-help literature says that buy Ignoring the N/P, we Punish the N/P.
I have moved past a desire to Punish.
I simply do not care.

My life is worth more than that.

Less is More

Less Contact = More Peace, Sanity, Time, Happiness...

Contact = Drama. Arguing. Fighting. Confusion. Debates. Explaining. Repeating. Upset...

No Contact = Rainbows. Sunshine. Peace. Quiet. Loveliness. Kittens. Hearts. Smiles...

I can think about what matters to me.
My finances, my retirement funds, the stock market.
My future.  Dating.
Maybe I could buy a farm out in the country.
I get to stare off into space and breathe deeply and think about nothing.


Peace


The N/P wants a fight.  He wants Drama.

I want a peaceful, happy life.  Filled with Joy.

I have no interest in fighting.  I never did.

I wanted a peaceful life, with a good and decent husband, love, security, a happy home.
I wanted to care for my children.
I wanted to flourish in my career.
I wanted a sanctuary.
I wanted to make a lot of love.
I wanted health.
I wanted good sleep.
I wanted money in the bank.

What I wanted, I could not have in a marriage with the N/P.

Getting out of the marriage took a long, long time.

Years.

And now, I am out.
I focus on what is important.
I focus on my life.

I do not focus on his disorder.


Not My Problem


He will be disordered forever.
I sincerely do not care.
It is not my problem.

One can argue that the N/P is still my problem, because I have children with him.
Well, sure, okay.
If I want it to be a problem, it is.
But, I don't want it to be a problem.
And it certainly isn't a problem today.
Right now, the N/P is meaningless.
Today, the sun shines.
The N/P is not here.
The house is warm and lovely.
The children play happily.
Food cooks on the stove.
I have no worries today.

I stopped fighting with the N/P.
He is always right.  He is never wrong. 
Okay.
What is there to discuss?
Nothing. 
He wants to renegotiate such and such.
No thanks. Ignore. 
He wants to exchange information about this and that.
No thanks. Ignore.

I languished in the marriage, wishing for things to be better and different.
Because, if only xyz, we could have had such a nice life, etc. etc. etc.   

I languished after the divorce, trying to make things better and different.
Because, things could have been so much better, if only xyz.  

NO. 

The N/P wants things (and people) to be broken, damaged, exhausted, difficult, confusing, etc.

My children have a relationship with their disordered parent.  I don't.
They will grow up and choose if they want to continue the relationship with the N/P.  Their choice.
The choice, is their choice.
I can move halfway around the world, if I choose.
Or, I can get that place in the country, down the road about 30 miles.

Ya know?
The N/P has no say.

Moving On

Moving on from the wreckage of the life once lived with the N/P seems to be the ultimate goal.
To heal our past.  To reclaim ourselves.
To put a new sheen on what happened.
To find redemption.
To see the silver lining.
To create something of value from waste.
To become the person we were meant to become, before a disordered con-artist came and sucked us into the swirling vortex of nonsense, pain, debt and destruction.

It's no longer about the Fight with the N/P.
The N/P no longer matters.

We matter.


by A.K.A. Rose Lee Mitchell


(N/P = Narcissist/Psychopath)

http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2015/02/peace.html

Photograph by "A" on flicker. 

Title "JOY"
Used under the Creative Commons License

How Do I "get along" with the narcissist/sociopath/psychopath?

DO NOT ENGAGE. 

Communication Protocols

In this post, I aim to describe how I "get along" with the narcissistic/sociopathic/psychopathic ex-husband with whom I must share child custody.

With shared custody, one must participate with the other parent. "No Contact" is not possible.   But, how much participation must we actually have?   There is a rock-solid custody agreement.  There is very little to discuss. 

The disordered person wants engagement, drama, entanglement, confusion, details, discussion, attention, accusations, defenses, explanation….and on and on.   Give an inch, and he'll try to take a mile.  Therefore, the rule of the game is to Reduce Engagement With The Disordered Person As Much As Possible. 

I have a set of policies and procedures that I practice to reduce engagement with the disordered father of my child(ren). 

The Short List 

1. A Dedicated Mobile Phone, Only For Him.  

2. No Voice Conversations - Texts Only. 

3. A Dedicated Email Account, Only For Him.

4. Texts Instead of Email Whenever Possible. 

5. Reduce Face-To-Face Contact To Nearly Zero. 

6. Delay. a.k.a. The 24hr Rule.

Here's a little more detail.

1. A Dedicated Mobile Phone, Only For Him.  

My child(ren) always have access to this phone to contact their father. 

We have a spot where the phone lives in the house.

We have given the phone a name.  (Example: We named the Daddy-Phone "Peanut.")  
I think this helps reduce the drama for my child(ren). 

He may contact them on this phone. 

We do not call Daddy from Mommy's Phone.  

Daddy is not allowed to call Mommy's Phone.  

Daddy is only allowed to call The Daddy-Phone. 

2. No Voice Conversations - Texts Only. 

I do not talk to him on the phone. 

I text, and only from The Daddy-Phone. 

I don’t need the psychopath to reach out and touch me via my personal phone.  

He needs to be sequestered. 

I check the Daddy-Phone at least once per day. 

I do not check it at night, close to bedtime, because I don't need to get upset/rattled/energized. 

But, he doesn't text very much, because I don’t engage.

3. A Dedicated Email Account, Only For Him.

I used to check this once a day. 

Then, I checked it 2 times a week. 

Then, I checked it once a week. 

Nowadays, I check it about 2 times a month.  Or whenever I need to send something. 

4. Texts Instead of Email Whenever Possible. 

Texts are preferable to email. 

The shorter, the better. 

The less engagement, the better. 

The less I say, the less there is to say. 

Texting tends to keep his responses short.

5. Reduce Face-To-Face Contact To Nearly Zero. 

Custody exchanges happen at school.  Sometimes, when there is a holiday, or a teacher workday, we exchange the kid(s) in a public location.  I often have a friend do this for me.   I find that the more face-time he gets, the more agitated/enraged/interested he becomes.

6. Delay. a.k.a. The 24hr Rule.

When it seems like there is a need to respond to an email, I have a 24 hr rule.  There is usually nothing so important/urgent that demands a quick response.  I find that by giving myself a cushion of time, I give myself peace.   Often, I find that I can wait even longer.  A two or three day cushion lets me really measure my response.  Best case: an entire week.   Often, after waiting a week, I find that I don’t need to respond at all. 

More than anything, the psychopath (narcissist, sociopath) wants your attention. 

He wants your time, your energy and your pain. 

Don't give it.

http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2015/01/how-do-i-get-along-with.html

Photograph by Mark Nockleby on flicker. 
Title "Denver Roller Dolls Mile High Club roll out before the championship bout"
Used under the Creative Commons License