Reader Response: I Have Stopped Fighting

This post is a reader comment, in response to Yes, You Are Trapped By The Psychopath 

https://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2016/11/yes-you-are-trapped-by-psychopath.html

It is a perfect example of what we have to deal with.  

Her experience and strategy is so similar to mine.  

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.  

- AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

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AnonymousNovember 6, 2016 at 10:31 AM

I have not commented in a while but I have been reading! I agree with you 100%. The court does NOT care, nor do the lawyers, mediators, etc. I stopped writing down every time he violated the judgement because I realized that no one cares! I tracked his violations during the court proceeding. We put all his errors into a nice little easy to read spreadsheet. The judge didn't care. His attorney would rant and rave, he would look like a scared sheep and the judge would give him MORE.

The only women, and I don't mean to be gender specific but I haven't seen a man do this, the only women that are even slightly successful are the ones that represent themselves. Maybe it's because they are willing to fight harder. But the toll that I've seen it take on them is immeasurable. The years continue to roll by. Their former spouses go on with their material goods and new girlfriends, insist on the custody schedule and cause problems whenever and wherever they can, and don't give a dime more than is taken from their paychecks. While the women are going to court to try and get a hospital bill paid, and they are battling his lawyer because he'd rather pay a lawyer than hand over another penny.

I have personally reached the conclusion that the best we can do is to monitor our children, give guidance and support when we can, and live a parallel parenting lifestyle as much as possible. Of course it isn't completely possible as the judgement makes sure of that.

So what can we do? Your posts about ignoring, isolating, letting go have been tremendously helpful to me. For the most part, I have stopped fighting. I do enforce my boundaries with him. I isolate his intrusion into my life and my children's as much as possible, but I still get triggered. There is still the tiniest part of me that wants to believe the fantasy could have been real, but the realist knows that even the minuscule good times were manipulations for the evil side of his nature. So I limit the chances he has to set me up for the "aha! I got you!!" moments that they thrive on. I still slip, but not often anymore.

I have been dealing with family court and lawyers for 6 years. I've been out of court for a couple, but never completely out because you never know when you'll have to return at their bidding, or possibly your own. I have friends who think I should return now. I say no. I say no because I can't go there. I haven't recovered from the first rounds, and I am slowly, oh so slowly, taking back my life.

If you have children, there are only two documents needed to divorce. One about custody and one about finances. The court and the lawyers drag this process out a long, long time when they realize one of the spouses is high conflict. Why? Because they can, and because it's more money for them.

I feel trapped by the schedule, and by my job that I'd like to leave but can't. I feel trapped by his endless games with the schedule, and by the way that every date I've had since them has to be run through my red flag radar. I think having a good relationship would help, but I haven't been able to go there. I am trapped. However, I am slowly, and I see this happening at a snail's pace, crawling my way out of his abyss. I am slowly rebuilding my life, my social network, and forging a strong relationship as a parent. In the end, I want to be trapped by nothing more than the schedule, because really, as we all know, that's hard enough.

Thanks for writing. It helps to know I'm not alone.

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Gray Rock

I have stopped being a gray rock.

For a long time post-divorce, I practiced the Gray Rock Method, in order to protect myself from the NSP (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath).  It couldn't continue forever, because I have to live my life.  I became strong enough to risk it.   I took some baby steps, and had some public success.  It felt good to feel like myself again.  It is an important part of recovery.  I look forward to being fully myself again.

There has been backlash.

Since the NSP has so very little contact with me, he attacked me with character assassination.  He used my children as his punching bag.   When he has abused my children in the past, it would destroy me for days.  The most recent attack took me down for about a day.  It is progress.  (Looking on the bright side, noticing my progress: keeps me emotionally healthy.)

The NSP's goal was to destroy me emotionally and physically.  He aimed to destroy my health, my beauty, my finances, my career, my hopes, my relationships.   When I met him, I was bright and shiny.  I was open and courageous.  I shared myself with him.  He was such a wonderful, kind man.  I thought we would have a good life together.

I am so glad I escaped.

I still am rebuilding the life he tried so hard to destroy.

I can not go through my life pretending to be a Grey Rock, because I AM BRIGHT AND SHINY.   Hiding my beauty and ability and happiness serves No One.  My children need to see their mother happy; I am told this again and again by so many people.

I took off my Grey Rock disguise and lived my life.  It was FUN!!!!


---


I am referencing Skylar's article

"The Gray Rock method of dealing with psychopaths" 

to explain WHY the NSP went on the emotional warpath with me.

"when you leave a psychopath, he becomes determined to punish you even more severely for thinking you could be autonomous."

Yes.  I am autonomous.  He hears from my children about my success.  He must retaliate.   His idea that I am so broken and incapable has been proven false.  He is enraged.  He must lash out.  

"So, how do we escape this parasitical leech without triggering his vindictive rage? "

I think the Grey Rock Method is brilliant.  But it is not a life choice that I can continue long term.  And I don't think she intended it to be.  I think I will just have to learn to live with the vindictive rage from the NSP, because hiding under a Grey Rock is not how I want to live my life.  It's not worth it.  My children will learn that their father has a problem BASED ON HIS BEHAVIOR.  He can badmouth me non-stop.  At some point our children will grow accustomed to it.  Nobody can control the NSP.  

"Drama is a psychopath’s remedy for boredom. For drama, they need an audience and some players"

I think I need to teach my children, that when Daddy goes on the emotional warpath, badmouthing mommy: GREY ROCK. Don't fight, don't argue, don't show emotion.  Respond the way you would respond to a bully on the playground.  

"A psychopath is an addict. He is addicted to power. His power is acquired by gaining access to our emotions. "

I don't respond to his nonsense.  I know better.  There is no reason to write him an email, confronting him about the emotional abuse to which he is subjecting our children.  He wants a drama.  He wants a fight.   I won't give it to him.  I need to teach my children to do the same.  

"He envies everything pretty, shiny and sparkly that you have and he wants whatever you value."

Yes he does.  I value my children above anything.  And they LOVE their mother.  The NSP wants to destroy our bond.  

----

Be well,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell


Photograph 
by eric lynch 
"peacock 18 "
Used under Creative Commons license

How the Emotional Abuse Continues in spite of Extreme Low Contact

During the marriage, the NSP was unrelenting in his tearing down of me.   Every contentious story was skewed to paint me in a bad light.  He was fully invested in me being a broken, helpless, sick and damaged person.

I was no more damaged and broken than any other average person on the planet.

During the divorce process, his attempts to paint me in the worst possible light continued.  I was surprised, but should not have been.  Now the carrot was gone, and it was only the stick.  He made outrageous claims about me, that I was a drunk (in spite of the fact that I almost never drank).  On and on, tear down after tear down.  Details don't matter.

Now, he has so little access to me.  I have him in a little box.  And I don't respond.

The only tool he has to hurt me, is our children.

It isn't new.  He started on them right away.  They would come home so distraught.  The stories he would tell them.  Lies.  Twisted truths.

Time passes.  And our children get older.  And his emotional abuse continues.

He abuses them emotionally in all sorts of ways.  But tearing down their mother seems to be his favorite.

Being abused is traumatic.  Emotional abuse is abuse.  Bullies ruin other people's lives and careers.  Children kill themselves to avoid the bullies wrath.  Women kill themselves to avoid the continued abuse from their husbands.

My abuser, my exhusband, reaches out to me and continues his abuse through my children.  He successfully plants the seeds of doubt about me into my children's hearts and minds.  Bless them.   I experience trauma again when I hear his stories from my children's lips.

My children have no context for the awful things he tells them.  They should never hear such things from a parent.  If I defend or explain, I further the damage he has done to them.

Despite the fact that I do not defend myself or explain the truth, they have lost trust.  In me.  In their father.

They should not trust their father.  And they do not.  It has nothing to do with me.  They do not trust him because they learn, over time, that he is not worthy of their trust.

Their father tears at the trust they have for me.  And breaks it down.  And my children grow distant.

Oh yes, it does break my heart.  And it does hurt me.  And it does cause me pain and worry.  Big points for the abuser.

The bigger victim here is our children.  Who float aimlessly, rudderless.

----

So much time has passed that our children mostly can not remember that we were ever married.   The NSP father fills in their memories with lies.

My children know who I am.  They know their father.

When I look back, and when I talk to myself back then, I say: You should have left sooner.  You should have left right away.  There was nothing to stay for.  There was no hope.  

But I didn't know that then.  I didn't know what was happening to me.  I had hope.  I thought maybe we could fix 'it'.

But I was also terrified of him.  Instinctively knowing how vicious he was.  Knowing the terrible position I was in.

It took me a long time to leave.  Too long.

But I got out as soon as I could.

----

If I had it to do all over again.   I would have left right away.

----

This latest attack of emotional abuse proves again how incredibly right I was about him.

We can not control the NSP.  We can not make him stop.

-----

Please, be well,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell


Photograph 
by Thomas Hawk 
"I Will Never Break Your Heart"
Used under Creative Commons license

Fighting a Psychopath for Child Custody

A reader named Veronica is in the middle of a custody fight with an NSP.   Her struggle sounds so similar to what I lived through.  Here are my thoughts about her post.

Dear Veronica,

I can not offer you any Advice.  I do not know you.  I am not a counselor or a lawyer.  But, what I can do is reply to your post/questions in the following way:  Your story, struggle, worry, etc is all so familiar to me – from both my personal experience and also the stories I have heard from others (in Real Life and Online).  I will address your comments by sharing my personal experiences and thoughts. 

VERONICA:  His emails upset me so much but people can't read them like I can.

RLM: In my situation, the NSP’s emails are mostly written in a code of politeness. One thing the NSP continues to do (as he did in our marriage and divorce) is to REWRITE HISTORY.  He cannot (does not) keep track of his lies/stories, so I have Conflicting Versions of Reality in HIS EMAILS TO ME.   I do not bring this to his attention.  I do not argue.  It is a trap.  I ignore it. 

VERONICA:  His are exactly as you said--the implied threat. My threats are like the other gal who commented--more subtle and covert--like everything else with this SOB.

RLM:  In response to the implied threat, the overt threat, the covert threat --- I choose to IGNORE.  He wants a fight.  I give him no fight.  This was particularly hard for me to do when we were ACTIVELY FIGHTING WITH LAWYERS BETWEEN US, and when custody and child-support were not yet settled.  But I also didn’t have the skill set yet developed to appropriately deal with a Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath.  My experience has taught me to not respond. 

VERONICA:  But he has me to a point where I cannot read my own emails—

RLM:  I would have an anxiety mini-attack/moment whenever I had to open my email account, because: would an awful email from him be there, waiting?  It was like he could reach through the internet and grab me, shout at me, etc.  I was advised by Experienced Women to sequester his emails to an account especially for him.  I have a post that addresses this issue in detail.  +LINK+

VERONICA:  then he takes me to court and said that I am not working together with him to provide the best care for my kids!! He is winning the war on winning people over. :( He used the "I only want my kids to be cared for and safe".

RLM:  The NSP used this line on me also, and anyone willing to listen.  “wanting what is best for the children”  “in the children’s best interest”   In time, however, his argument has become thin.  I find that most people don’t give a damn about my personal struggle with my ex-husband.  It is my burden.  Other people have their own burdens.  The court system is dealing with the types of abuse and neglect that makes my middle-class problems look ideal.  This is what I have come to learn after many years of struggle. 

VERONICA:  Then he set about showing that I was mentally unbalanced!! Then he got a professional to say that I what poor judgment.

RLM:  There are so many versions of this abuse.  The crazy ex-wife.  The mentally ill woman.  Women refuse to be controlled, refuse to endure the abuse any longer, fight back, are driven crazy by the crazy maker.  It is a tactic of the abuser to say that the target is mentally ill.  Some abusers are better at perpetrating this crime than others.  Plenty of professionals are taken in by the NSP, especially when the NSP is smart, educated, successful. 

VERONICA:  Then he parlayed that into a judge taking legal custody away from me--after the narcopath lied about me in court. Now he has all kinds of "evidence" that I am a bad mom and that I am damaging to my kids. Now he uses this evidence that he manufactured by parlaying bulshit into reality. Now he is seeking full custody because of those lies nd because the kids hate him--also MY fault.

RLM:  This is tragic.  I am sorry.  I have seen this in real life with women who were married to high functioning, brilliant and successful NSPs.  One woman who I know personally and in real life, had been a full-time stay at home mother.  The kind of mother who volunteers at the school constantly, who packs beautiful organic lunches, who makes sure her children are beautifully dressed.  This mother looked like an angel, she was kind and engaged, and her children were happy and healthy and smart.  Clearly, nothing was wrong.  Her highly successful and constantly working NSP-husband orchestrated the divorce process to paint her as mentally unwell and unfit to parent.  He extracted all sorts of WORK from her to benefit his lifestyle just before the divorce was sprung on her, and then he kicked her to the curb.  He got full custody of the children.  He did this by getting an expensive, experienced and cut-throat lawyer.  She got a moderate and less-experienced lawyer who apparently did not know how to go to battle for her.  The NSP and his lawyer intimidated her until she acquiesced.  The NSP still works unreasonable hours, and A NANNY cares for her children.  But, I can tell you, that this woman has made incredible good out of her life, and several years later, she is living her dream in business, and has an amazing house.  And every time I see her in real life, she is happy.  The kind of happy that oozes out of her pores.  She is an example of how to thrive.  So, yes, horrible things happen, and we can rebound from them. 

VERONICA:  Either I have one of the most cunning narcopaths ever--or I am the stupidest person ever because I have somehow gotten completely destroyed by him--money, reputation, house, credit, life, and now kids are the last to be taken from me totally.

RLM:  You may have one of the most cunning narcopaths ever.  I don’t think it is our stupidity that gets us conned.  I think it is a result of a good heart, a lack of training in the realities of the world, and in my case: being primed for abuse by a parent…  Another story for another day (or year, or decade). 

Veronica:  Can't seem to ever fight back as he is a million steps ahead of me

RLM:  I find that fighting back was, and is, pointless.  Because, yes, the NSP is always too far ahead, and too practiced in evil.  He has had years of experience in being a disordered, lying, cheating Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath.  I found (and find) that it is better to avoid and ignore than to engage.  The NSP THRIVES on the nonsense.  The nonsense makes me Literally Ill.  During my custody fight, I held on for dear life.  I still didn’t get what was best for my children, or for me, but I did the best I could.  It has been, in so many ways, consuming and intolerable.  But, I have had to tolerate the situation, as my children have also had to tolerate.  It is hard on us.   During the acute stage of custody fighting, I found that holding my ground was my best defense (looking back). 

Veronica:  They will never survive the onslaught of boundary issues and gas lighting that they will encounter. How do I stop this and how do I save them???

RLM:  I felt similarly.  I worried similarly.  I can say that my children HAVE survived, so far.  They have suffered, but they are ok.   Many people told me that my children would be okay, as long as they had me in their lives.  I didn’t believe this for the longest time.  I worried so much about their health, well-being, safety…  They are ok, and I finally believe that they will be okay.  Because. They. Have. Me.   For so many years, the NSP made me feel as if I was of no consequence.  And then, after I left, I felt so desperate and scared.  For myself.  And for my children.  Time has passed, and I can see areas where my children would be happier and stronger and more successful if the NSP had less power and influence over their lives.  Yes.  It is true.  But it is what it is.  This is what we have.  This is the culture that we currently live in.  And we do the best we can do.  And, someone who I trust, who has tons of experience, and who knows me and my children TOLD ME THAT MY KIDS WOULD BE OKAY BECAUSE THEY HAVE ME.  And because of this, I feel much more peace. 

Veronica:  I have has 6 attorneys and NONE of them got what he was doing and all were "won" over to his side with something that nobody will share with me. When I meet them--the yare all abou t me getting justice. Buy the time they have talked with or met his attorney--the yare telling me that I am lucky if I would get custody in a trail..... All I have done--ever--was love and care for my boys. However---he has done something to my name that just completely helps him get whatever he wasn't. I have been"set up" with co-parenting classes that HIS attorney picked and now "family therapy" that the coparenting attorney and his attorney picked. I smell the same set-up I smelled when his attorney got to pick th psychologist.!!! They are only meeting wit hme and the boys which at first I thought was a good thing. Now I realize it is to say what he accuses me of--tht I smother, tell them too much, rely on them for emotional support..... None of ha tis true but so ealily provable with a few well placed questions. My son told the therapist tha he helps by hugging me when Icry. That is normal for a boy t odo and I just lose my young nephew and ws crying a lot--but didn't react fast enough in the sessin to say that was why I was crying so they implied thatI am suing him and trying to put him in the "mans role " of the house!!! I am supposedly the one who also treats them like babies--so which his it, right?? Why can't a mom get a hug from her son when he sees her crying an why isn't seen as a good thing-- I have taught them empathy.

They don't ask how often that happens or why that happened--the only tape the sessions and make me feel like I am about to be executed. Really they make me feel like I have been a bad mom and that I will lose custody because of this. He gets off on keeping me in this state of panic.My first nightmare came true--they believe hm all the time. Then I lost 50% custody. Now he is shooting for the rest of the pie. The 50% custody I have and the house and the money and the lack of debt to him.... I have failed miserably to protect my children and made every mistake that I could. I am the poster child for how NOT to deal with a narcopath. My children will suffer. I am out of ideas and options. I was stupid. I lost it for me and now for them. :(

RLM:  I have felt that the professionals involved in our situation often sided with the NSP.  His credentials and professional (psychopathic) demeanor often won them over.    This caused me great pain and worry.  I held on for dear life, and held my breath, and prayed and worried.  I shook internally for years.  I made lots of mistakes that cost me dearly.  I fought too hard at times, during the divorce.  I was weary of professionals who bought his nonsense and labeled me incorrectly, who didn’t listen, and didn’t notice, and ultimately didn’t care.  But I did find a few professionals who did care, who did give good advice, and who ultimately did the best they could. 

I wish you the best of luck. 

Be well,

A.K.A. Rose Lee Mitchell


---

Veronica posted a response at
http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2013/03/anatomy-of-overt-email-threat.html

The Art of Passive Aggression, Part One

Ahhh.  Passive Aggression.  One of the NSP's (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath) favorite tools.  He uses it, so I use it too.  I must be passive aggressive in order to navigate the treacherous relationship we have: the forced-to-because-we-have-children-together relationship.  It's an extremely Low-Contact relationship that I am required to have with a psychopath.

Why must I employ Passive Aggressive techniques to deal with the NSP?  Boundaries.  He has no care for boundaries.  In fact, he relishes opportunities to violate boundaries.  Why?  It establishes dominance.  It creates conflict.  It tests the water for future violations (abuse).  It wears the target down.

I have a few options when I (have to) communicate with the NSP.
1.  Routinely establish and restate the boundaries.  (He ignores.)
2.  Deal with the conflict head-on.  (He loves this.)
3.  Be passive aggressive.  (Most effective.)

How does he do Passive Aggression?
1. He "forgets".  Forgetting is so convenient.
2. He was "too busy".  Busy and Forgetting go hand-in-hand.
3. He's "sorry." No he isn't.  He's not "sorry" at all.  He's delighted.  He's laughing.
4. He lies.

See, I'm a straight shot.  I say what I mean.  NSP's love that.  It's so very useful to them.  It's like giving a stalker a map and a key; a map straight to your location and a key to open your door.

My politeness was one of his favorite tools to use against me.  Also, my emotions, my openness and kindness, my forgiveness; these were all weapons he would use in demolishing the solid ground I stood upon.  Next, my anger, disappointment (in him and our life together), my declarations that our relationship was not working out and that I wanted a divorce; these became even better weapons to use in an attempt to destroy me.  WHY would someone go to so much trouble to destroy another?  WHY on earth?  WHY: he is a psychopath, purely and simply.  He enjoyed the process immensely.  It made him feel powerful, in control, omnipotent, God-Like.

I took away his power when I left him; when I said the ultimate "no" by deed and not by word.  Leaving a psychopath makes them really really really really mad.  He lost his toy.

How could he still maintain some control of me?  Through our children.   He fought for custody.  He mistreats them.  He neglects them.  This is where we stand today.

Using The Truth as a weapon,  he'll lie about anything and everything.  Just for sport.  Just because he can.  It played out in the marriage.  It played out in the divorce.  And it plays out now, in shared custody.   He will lie to me.  He will lie to our children.  "I can't" means "I won't."  "I forgot" means "I didn't feel like it."  Questions will be asked of me.  He doesn't really want or need the answer.  He wants to waste my time and engage with me.  He wants attention.

He taught me the Art of Passive Aggression.  It's his currency.  I use Passive Aggression in our dealings.  I don't give him my attention.  I delay my responses.  I give the shortest possible answers.  I ignore.  I ask questions I don't need the answer to, like "What do you mean?" and, "I'm sorry, I don't understand."  I lie and I apologize.  I do what he does.  It is a tool of self defense, and it is 100% necessary.

My clear, concise, well-thought-out responses and communication with an NSP do me no good.  Being honest does me no good.  Being straightforward, accommodating, helpful, and gracious are traits that leave me vulnerable to the disordered person.

In life, with people in general, my tactic is to be who I truly am, EXCEPT with someone who has proved themselves to be a Bully, A Narcissist, a Sociopath.  When I identify a person as having NSP traits, I shut the door.  Oh, man, I shut the door so fast.

By AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

The Art of Passive Aggression, Part Two

When I feel that I must respond, but I want to still avoid the trap he has set, this is how I respond.  


Here are the protocols I use when communicating with the psychopathic father of my children.
http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2015/01/how-do-i-get-along-with.html

1. A Dedicated Mobile Phone, Only For Him.   

2. No Voice Conversations - Texts Only.  

3. A Dedicated Email Account, Only For Him. 

4. Texts Instead of Email Whenever Possible.  

5. Reduce Face-To-Face Contact To Nearly Zero.  

6. Delay. a.k.a. The 24hr Rule.

Photograph 
by Daniela Vladimirova 
"Shut Up, take 2"
Used under Creative Commons license


Here is some interesting further reading about Passive Aggression and the Personality Disordered Person (Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath)

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2005/10/passive-aggressive-personality.html

http://imfindingmyownwings.blogspot.com/2014/03/passive-aggressive-personality-disorder.html

http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=31053.0

Do Your Due Diligence

The Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath, with whom I share custody of my child(ren) and from whom I am divorced, is remarried.

His New Wife

My friends and I, we have worried for her, and prayed for her.  We have wished there was a way to intervene, to protect her from the hell she unknowingly signed up for when she allowed a psychopath into her life.

I have no contact with her because the man she married is a psychopath.
Her husband is my former husband.
I could not reach out to her without doing damage to myself.

If I could communicate with the current wife, this is what I would say to her.  And to all of the spring chickens out there, who haven't lived enough yet to understand the way the world can work.

Do Your Due Diligence

I know it is hard to do due diligence on a man who has targeted you.  He has you in his sight.  You are his goal, and he is doing everything he can to win.  To win the game.

He uses everything you say, to win you.  Any information you give him will be used.  Pro and Con.

You are impressed by his big professional status, and his big house.  You are impressed by the display of wealth.

You are impressed by my lovely, bright, articulate child(ren).  The child(ren) used as bait.

Your dreams are used as bait.

You have conveyed your dreams to him.  He seems so interested in your dreams.  He compliments  and praises your passion for life.  He promises to help make your dreams come true.  You will be a team.

I have watched from afar this dream of yours come to life.  You didn't need him to accomplish your dream.

Why does he want you so badly?

1. He wants to prove he is not a failure.  In his mind:  His wife left him, therefore, he's a failure.  He couldn't keep me, or control me.  I escaped.  He failed.

2. He wants help with the child(ren).  Raising a child is hard work.  It is work he never did much of when he was married to me, the mother.  He was largely absent from our lives.  He wants you to do the work.  And you do.  You are the unpaid help.  He flatters your mothering skills.  He's all about the flattery.

3. He wants the added income.  You make good money.  Your money offsets the expense of paying my alimony and child support.   I was a stay-at-home mom.  I didn't work.  You work.  He enjoys the financial damage control and the bonus to his lifestyle.

4. Sex?  I guess he wants you for sex.  But, there probably isn't much sex.

5. His House.  He wants to share the expenses and household chores.  It's a big house.  It takes a lot to heat and cool that monstrosity.   You help pay for the maid?  The gardener?

6. He wants a toy.  You are it.  He messes with your mind.  Dominates you.  Controls you.  Wear and Tear you down.  Good times.  Am I right?



How You Could Have Done Due Diligence

1. You could have dated him for longer.

Much longer.  You didn't date him nearly long enough, and you agreed to marry him much too soon.   You met him and married him within a year.  Not nearly long enough.

However, he kept up his act with me for nearly three years, so, if an N/S/P wants you badly enough, they can keep up the act for longer.  And, he may be on better behavior with you for longer, because you haven't gotten pregnant.  You are employed.  You could still walk out pretty easily.

Is he showing his true colors to you yet?  I know he has shown you some, but can you see it? Maybe they are still too subtle?  Is he wearing you down slowly?

2. Financial Audit.

You could have asked to see his tax returns, and an accounting of his assets/liabilities.  Not so romantic.  And he is such a liar that he would have done a reasonable job obfuscating the truth.  Obfuscation is one of his favorite communication techniques.  Have you discovered that yet?  Surely, you have.

It would have been difficult to see the truth since he was still involved in divorcing me.  Also, not so romantic.  Maybe that should have been part of the due diligence process for you.  A clue.  Like, don't agree to marry anyone who is divorcing.  Let the dust settle.  Let the cards and finances fall where they may.  Because, I don't see how you could have not gotten screwed in the process of him screwing me during our property settlement.

Why on earth would you sign up to participate with a man who is financially still entangled with his ex-wife?  I truly don't want to be mean, but, isn't that sorta Dumb?

3. Talk to the Family.

Ugh.  This one is tough because you were getting snowed from all angles.   I assume that his family was desperate for things to be made right for their darling angel.  He is the crown prince of the family, can't you see?  His mother is desperate for a daughter-in-law who will cow-tow, and whose boundaries she can violate, and on whom she can dote/smother.   I know you are aware of this by now.

I know you tended to her at the beginning and I know you are worn out with her already.

4. Snooping.

If you had snooped in his email, that would have helped.  You would have seen all the crazy emails he wrote to me.  Snooping is also extremely unromantic.  Not the foundation of trust one wants in a new marriage.  But, shouldn't trust be earned rather than freely given? 

You gave your trust to an untrustworthy person.

( Side note to my self: ALERT!  Ethical Dilemma! After being in a relationship with a psychopath, will I snoop around in a romantic partner's email account?  Horror.  That's not who I want to be!  But, that is what it takes to be in a relationship with a psycho.  Strategy.  Deception.  No Thanks!  And this is why I maintain Extremely Limited Contact with the psychopathic father of my child(ren).)

5. Steer Clear of the Man With the "Crazy" Ex-wife.

Calling me crazy was the name of his game.  By now, however, you have probably started to wonder: How Crazy Can She Be?  His argument is worn out.  Time marches on, and no sign of Crazy Ex-Wife have you seen. Maybe the fact that I won't talk to him, see him, come near him, sit with him, participate in any way with him or his family....maybe that looked crazy or questionable to you, back then.  But, maybe by now, you have seen enough of his crazy behavior, and the way he treats his child(ren) and your pet(s)...that my avoidance of him is starting to make sense?

Calling the target "crazy" is typical of an abuser.  He used his "Crazy" Ex-wife as a marketing tool to win you.  He flattered you by telling you how much better you were than me.  I don't know this for sure, but I can hear him now, complimenting you about how good you are with his child(ren).  So much better than his crazy ex-wife.  Flattery.

He's a Really Good Psychopath

You were his target.

He wanted you, and he got you.  You were easy.  You married him too soon.  You asked too few questions.  You didn't press for the hard answers.   You didn't walk away when he gave you a reason, and I know he gave you reason.

I expect that he is desperate to keep you.  I expect he doesn't want the stain of another divorce.  I expect that his game has improved, which may keep you around longer.

If you leave him, he will find another woman asap.  We are utterly replaceable.

He doesn't see us for ourselves, just for the services that we provide.  We fill in the blank.



by AKA Rose Lee Mitchell


Further reading for the spring chickens: Here is how life really does work, when one is dealing with an entitled, abusive, narcissistic spouse.  
From the New York Times:  Divorce Funding Firms Help Spouses Expecting Big Payouts

Binocular Photograph by "Daniele Zanni" on flickr. 

Title "A sort of birdwatching"
Used under the Creative Commons License

Target Photograph by "Pete" on flickr. 

Title "Stay On Target"
Used under the Creative Commons License

On the Other Side

A Ruined Life

It wasn't that long ago, that I feared I had ruined my life.

After I left my husband, I would wake up with such a profound sense of dread, that I felt like I was sinking into the ground to be swallowed whole.  Ruin.  Mistake.  No turning back.

His psychopathic, veiled and overt threats, emotional manipulations and lies, did not stop after I left.  They increased.

The carrots were fewer.  The stick was bigger.

One major improvement was that he was no longer in my personal space.  My home became my sanctuary.  He was not allowed.

He tried, of course, to get in.  He complained that I wouldn't let him come over, that my insistence to meet in a public place for custody exchanges was bad for our child(ren) and was evidence that I was mentally unstable.  He implied that I was a liar for being afraid of him.  He outright said that I was a liar, and that he was the victim.  He said anything that pleased him.

He mostly said it in emails, since I quickly learned to never ever speak to him in person or on the phone.  The fact that I had an email-only boundary became more evidence that I was mentally unwell.  He insisted that we should have meals together with our child(ren), as a family, even though we were separated.  For the sake of the child(ren).

He said worse things in court documents.  Accused me of things so far from the truth that I was terrified of what he was capable of doing or saying.  Clearly, he would do and say anything to destroy me.  And he tried.

The financial abuse was bad during the marriage.  The financial abuse continued after I left.

You know what unrelenting stress does to a living being?  The stress was unrelenting.  Years and years of stress.  Purposeful stress from a Psychopath to his target.

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I felt that there was no light at the end of the tunnel.  No light at all.
I feared that I would remain in darkness forever.

It occurred to me that perhaps there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
Perhaps this tunnel was so long, that I would have to act on faith,
act as if there was a light out there.

So, I pretended.

That country song:  If you're going through hell, keep on movin'.

After a long while, I could see that there was a dim light at the other end of the tunnel.

After another long while, I could see I was almost there.

Another long while, and I was outside the tunnel, in the light.   But the tunnel was right there next to me, a big open gaping mouth of darkness.

Now, finally, years and years later, I'm on the other side.  And I know that there is a tunnel.  But I'm not sure where it is.  It's over there.  Or back that way.

Let me be clear.  The Tunnel is not Depression.
The Tunnel is the Hellish Escape from the Psychopath.

The Problem With Marriage

If he had just been a boyfriend, and not a husband,
I could have walked away, and would have, many many times.
If I had just been married, with no child(ren),
I could have walked away, and I would have.
If he had not made my life so incredibly difficult,
undermining me in so many ways, I could have walked away.
If my child(ren) had been older.

Mercifully, Children grow older.  Less fragile.  Less dependent.
They have voices.  They can speak up.
They can wash their own hair.
They can wipe their own bottom.
They can report if someone touches them in a private place...

Mercifully, the bonds of marriage finally do break after so much wear and tear.
Hope dies away after so much disappointment.
No matter how hopeful we once were, we finally do read the writing on the wall:
Something is very much the matter with the marriage, and
No, it will not improve
and
Yes, I must leave.

Mercifully, life made impossible to live with a psychopath
becomes so unbearable
that it is suddenly "easy" to leave.
Fears of being penniless are so much better than the alternative of having to live with a monster.
Fears of being murdered by him outweigh the fear of leaving him.
So, fine, yes please, I will gladly be penniless and live in a tiny apartment if it means I am free.
The confines of the gilded cage are so miserable, why not go out into the wild?

Mercifully, the psychopath grows so power hungry and out of control
that we see his madness for what it is.
Madness. Cruelty.
His threats and abuse are so obviously inexcusable.
So obviously abuse.
Once upon a time we excused his misbehavior for reasons x, y, or z.
Now we have lived through so much of it, for so long, we know enough to say "No".

Mercifully, our newfound spirit of "No" drives him over the edge,
and his mask falls off so often and so profoundly
that we realize the Monster is the Man.

Connected By Our Child(ren)

If I didn't have child(ren) with him, I would have healed up long ago.
I would have left him in the dust.  He would be forgotten, mostly.
A bad episode, a bad era, a bad memory.

Because of our child(ren), he has exercised
his opportunities to continue to punish, threaten, manipulate, bully.
Because of our child(ren), I must stay nearby for shared custody.
I can not flee to another town or state or country.  I'm planted.
This gives him endless opportunities to reinsert himself into my life.
It's been a wound that wants to fester, instead of heal.
Re-exposed again and again to the trauma.

His ongoing neglect and abuse of our child(ren),
his continued threats and unwelcome (and illegal) appearances at my house,
his continued financial abuses, his manipulations :
Repeated exposure to his psychopathic behavior slowed my recovery from the abusive relationship.
Repeated exposure to his psychopathic behavior slowed my recovery from the abusive relationship.

Repeated exposure to his psychopathic behavior slowed my recovery from the abusive relationship.  

My child(ren)'s upset about Daddy's Lies, not wanting to be with him, missing Mommy :
Tore me apart.

But we all grow up.  I grow up.  My child(ren) grow up.
Daddy's Problems stay the same, and we all get wise to it.
Daddy's Problem gets worse as time passes.
We stop circling around and around Daddy's Disorder,
and we move on with our lives.

On the Other Side

On the other side, there is peace.  There is happiness.

On the other side, my home is a safe place.  Every day, I become more settled.  I have peace.

I have more financial security than I ever did in the marriage.

On the other side, my time is my own.

It took a long time, but I made it through the tunnel.  Life is good on the other side.


written by AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

Photograph by "Swift Photography Company " on flicker. 

Title "Light at the End of the Tunnel 2"
Used under the Creative Commons License

Peace

The N/P* tries to lure me into a fight.
He wants my time, and my attention.
He wants contact.

No.

The Art of Ignoring

It is only recently that I have realized how much intentionality it takes to IGNORE someone.

Effort.
No Contact or Limited Contact takes practice and skill.
Restraint.

I have Policies and Procedures to manage communication.

All the self-help literature says that buy Ignoring the N/P, we Punish the N/P.
I have moved past a desire to Punish.
I simply do not care.

My life is worth more than that.

Less is More

Less Contact = More Peace, Sanity, Time, Happiness...

Contact = Drama. Arguing. Fighting. Confusion. Debates. Explaining. Repeating. Upset...

No Contact = Rainbows. Sunshine. Peace. Quiet. Loveliness. Kittens. Hearts. Smiles...

I can think about what matters to me.
My finances, my retirement funds, the stock market.
My future.  Dating.
Maybe I could buy a farm out in the country.
I get to stare off into space and breathe deeply and think about nothing.


Peace


The N/P wants a fight.  He wants Drama.

I want a peaceful, happy life.  Filled with Joy.

I have no interest in fighting.  I never did.

I wanted a peaceful life, with a good and decent husband, love, security, a happy home.
I wanted to care for my children.
I wanted to flourish in my career.
I wanted a sanctuary.
I wanted to make a lot of love.
I wanted health.
I wanted good sleep.
I wanted money in the bank.

What I wanted, I could not have in a marriage with the N/P.

Getting out of the marriage took a long, long time.

Years.

And now, I am out.
I focus on what is important.
I focus on my life.

I do not focus on his disorder.


Not My Problem


He will be disordered forever.
I sincerely do not care.
It is not my problem.

One can argue that the N/P is still my problem, because I have children with him.
Well, sure, okay.
If I want it to be a problem, it is.
But, I don't want it to be a problem.
And it certainly isn't a problem today.
Right now, the N/P is meaningless.
Today, the sun shines.
The N/P is not here.
The house is warm and lovely.
The children play happily.
Food cooks on the stove.
I have no worries today.

I stopped fighting with the N/P.
He is always right.  He is never wrong. 
Okay.
What is there to discuss?
Nothing. 
He wants to renegotiate such and such.
No thanks. Ignore. 
He wants to exchange information about this and that.
No thanks. Ignore.

I languished in the marriage, wishing for things to be better and different.
Because, if only xyz, we could have had such a nice life, etc. etc. etc.   

I languished after the divorce, trying to make things better and different.
Because, things could have been so much better, if only xyz.  

NO. 

The N/P wants things (and people) to be broken, damaged, exhausted, difficult, confusing, etc.

My children have a relationship with their disordered parent.  I don't.
They will grow up and choose if they want to continue the relationship with the N/P.  Their choice.
The choice, is their choice.
I can move halfway around the world, if I choose.
Or, I can get that place in the country, down the road about 30 miles.

Ya know?
The N/P has no say.

Moving On

Moving on from the wreckage of the life once lived with the N/P seems to be the ultimate goal.
To heal our past.  To reclaim ourselves.
To put a new sheen on what happened.
To find redemption.
To see the silver lining.
To create something of value from waste.
To become the person we were meant to become, before a disordered con-artist came and sucked us into the swirling vortex of nonsense, pain, debt and destruction.

It's no longer about the Fight with the N/P.
The N/P no longer matters.

We matter.


by A.K.A. Rose Lee Mitchell


(N/P = Narcissist/Psychopath)

http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2015/02/peace.html

Photograph by "A" on flicker. 

Title "JOY"
Used under the Creative Commons License

Write for the Observer

For a long time, I felt helpless when I had to communicate with my child(ren)'s father during and after our divorce.   He sent long, crazy, twisted emails.  I felt that I needed to respond to these 1000-3000 word attacks and set the record straight.  I felt that I needed to reason with him, defend myself, and share information to be a good co-parent.

I eventually learned that I was dealing with a Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath.  I learned the concepts of No Contact and Limited Contact.

Limited Contact is required when we share child custody with a disordered person.

I have strict Rules of Non-Engagement, which include short emails.  From time to time, I purposely deviate from my rule of non-engagement, and I write a lengthy email to the narcissist-psychopath.  

Why do I engage? 

I write to give AN OBSERVER a picture of the lifestyle and mothering I provide for my child(ren).  The purpose of the lengthy email is NOT to communicate facts to the disordered father.  No, no, no. A short email or text would do that.  The lengthy email is an advertisement for my general awesomeness, and a weapon of defense for my lawyer to use should we ever need it.  Anyone reading the lengthy email can see that I love my kids, that I am thoughtful, intelligent, insightful.

The psychopath doesn't care what I have to say, not in terms of collaboration that would help us to better care for our child(ren).  That would be CO-PARENTING.  He doesn't want to CO-PARENT.  He doesn't want to have normal, decent communication.  No.  He is looking for information to USE and ABUSE in order to MANIPULATE, CONTROL, TORMENT, etc.

Why does he do that?   He is a PSYCHOPATH.

I give him the information that I want him to have, and no other.

Since he lies pathologically, I no longer believe anything he says.  Not one single word.

If he were to say that the color of the sky is blue, I would not believe him.

Likewise, if I remark about the color of the sky, he will argue with my assessment.  I do not argue.

I think of it like this:
It's a game of Tennis, and all I do is SERVE.
I do not care if he hits the ball back.
I have no intention of volleying that ball.
We are not having a conversation about our children.
It is NOT a collaboration.  
A person can not converse nor collaborate with a PSYCHOPATH.

When I write him a lengthy email, I have archived my awesomeness.  It becomes part of the Record.  Someday, maybe, someone might actually care to read our emails.  Probably not, but maybe.  I want every single communication I have sent to the Psychopath to reflect my general Goodness, Sanity, Reasonableness, etc.  There is no reason for me to express my FEELINGS to the PSYCHOPATH, unless, I have carefully considered the BENEFIT to my child(ren) in doing so.  Someday, the psychopath may go to court, and try to prove to a judge that I am a horrible human being, unfit to raise his child(ren).  Why would I give the Psychopath any ammunition?  I don't.   In fact, I think of the lengthy emails as a little insurance policy for my protection.  

SUMMARY:

Occasional Emails to the Psychopathic Father Are Designed to Demonstrate My
1. Love for My Child(ren)
2. Intelligence
3. Thoughtfulness
4. Insight
5. General Maternal Awesomeness

by A.K.A. Rose Lee Mitchell

http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2015/02/write-for-observer.html



Beautiful Photograph by torbakhopper on flicker. 
Title "use your words" ishootwindows san francisco (2014)
Used under the Creative Commons License

How Do I "get along" with the narcissist/sociopath/psychopath?

DO NOT ENGAGE. 

Communication Protocols

In this post, I aim to describe how I "get along" with the narcissistic/sociopathic/psychopathic ex-husband with whom I must share child custody.

With shared custody, one must participate with the other parent. "No Contact" is not possible.   But, how much participation must we actually have?   There is a rock-solid custody agreement.  There is very little to discuss. 

The disordered person wants engagement, drama, entanglement, confusion, details, discussion, attention, accusations, defenses, explanation….and on and on.   Give an inch, and he'll try to take a mile.  Therefore, the rule of the game is to Reduce Engagement With The Disordered Person As Much As Possible. 

I have a set of policies and procedures that I practice to reduce engagement with the disordered father of my child(ren). 

The Short List 

1. A Dedicated Mobile Phone, Only For Him.  

2. No Voice Conversations - Texts Only. 

3. A Dedicated Email Account, Only For Him.

4. Texts Instead of Email Whenever Possible. 

5. Reduce Face-To-Face Contact To Nearly Zero. 

6. Delay. a.k.a. The 24hr Rule.

Here's a little more detail.

1. A Dedicated Mobile Phone, Only For Him.  

My child(ren) always have access to this phone to contact their father. 

We have a spot where the phone lives in the house.

We have given the phone a name.  (Example: We named the Daddy-Phone "Peanut.")  
I think this helps reduce the drama for my child(ren). 

He may contact them on this phone. 

We do not call Daddy from Mommy's Phone.  

Daddy is not allowed to call Mommy's Phone.  

Daddy is only allowed to call The Daddy-Phone. 

2. No Voice Conversations - Texts Only. 

I do not talk to him on the phone. 

I text, and only from The Daddy-Phone. 

I don’t need the psychopath to reach out and touch me via my personal phone.  

He needs to be sequestered. 

I check the Daddy-Phone at least once per day. 

I do not check it at night, close to bedtime, because I don't need to get upset/rattled/energized. 

But, he doesn't text very much, because I don’t engage.

3. A Dedicated Email Account, Only For Him.

I used to check this once a day. 

Then, I checked it 2 times a week. 

Then, I checked it once a week. 

Nowadays, I check it about 2 times a month.  Or whenever I need to send something. 

4. Texts Instead of Email Whenever Possible. 

Texts are preferable to email. 

The shorter, the better. 

The less engagement, the better. 

The less I say, the less there is to say. 

Texting tends to keep his responses short.

5. Reduce Face-To-Face Contact To Nearly Zero. 

Custody exchanges happen at school.  Sometimes, when there is a holiday, or a teacher workday, we exchange the kid(s) in a public location.  I often have a friend do this for me.   I find that the more face-time he gets, the more agitated/enraged/interested he becomes.

6. Delay. a.k.a. The 24hr Rule.

When it seems like there is a need to respond to an email, I have a 24 hr rule.  There is usually nothing so important/urgent that demands a quick response.  I find that by giving myself a cushion of time, I give myself peace.   Often, I find that I can wait even longer.  A two or three day cushion lets me really measure my response.  Best case: an entire week.   Often, after waiting a week, I find that I don’t need to respond at all. 

More than anything, the psychopath (narcissist, sociopath) wants your attention. 

He wants your time, your energy and your pain. 

Don't give it.

http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2015/01/how-do-i-get-along-with.html

Photograph by Mark Nockleby on flicker. 
Title "Denver Roller Dolls Mile High Club roll out before the championship bout"
Used under the Creative Commons License