Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Narcissist's Productivity and Success Comes at Our Expense

Alternate Title:  How does the Narcissist get so much Sh*t Done?

How is he so productive?  So 'successful'?  How does the Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath do it?

How?  HE USES PEOPLE.  He gets sh*t done because he's not the one doing the work.

How does this play out with custody?   Oh, even though we share custody, I am the parent who does most of the work.  That's right.  No shocker there.

Medical, Dental, Vision.  I schedule the appointments, I take the kids to and from, I let the teachers know in advance that the kids will miss, and on and on and on.  Eyeglasses break, and I get them fixed.  Retainers are lost and I get them replaced.  I do at least 95% of the work.  Then, I get to to bill him!  Billing takes time.  He pays a large portion of the expenses, but I have to bill him.  I have to keep track that he actually reimburses me. And then, when he doesn't, I have to re-bill him.  Joy. 

And for all this effort, do I get thanks?   No.  I get criticized.  I get threatened.  I get accused.  He makes demands.  Oh Joy.  

Today, I'm not feeling at all Zen about it.  I'm pissed off.  I'm tired of this sh*t.  I mean, this is NOT what I signed up for when I decided to be a mother.  I expected to be loved and supported and appreciated by my spouse.  Instead, I feel incredibly disappointed and angry.

And, to be sure, he throws in plenty of sabotage.   He knows that neglecting our children's health and hygiene needs will infuriate me.  How does he know this?  Why, because I am a MOTHER.  I am a good, decent, conscientious mother.  I love my children.  I take care of them.  He neglects them in myriad ways, and I put the pieces back together.  

It was like this during the marriage.  Although, I had much more control back then, since he was not around so much, and I had 100 percent custody.   

This is a good time to mention that having 100 percent custody means having zero percent time off.  No time off is a huge bummer.  Shared custody, while not my preference, is not all bad! That will be the subject for another article. 

School Projects are mostly left to me and my time.  (I hate the concept of "my time" and "his time." But, for the sake of this discussion, I will leave it.)  My kids come home with half finished projects, or barely started, or badly done - Due The Next Day.  They had all week, or weekend to do the project.  Typically, they began the project with me.  Or completed half or more, with me.   But they needed to finish it up while with their dad.  They come home tired from staying up late, working on these projects at the last minute.  They have to cram it in at home.  With me.  Last minute.  Stressful.  There are often tears.  There is drama.  (What a waste.  What a shame.  What a childhood.)

School Homework.  Let's not even go there.  Eye roll.  

Parenting.  Even though we share custody.  I feel like I do most of the parenting.  The discipline.  At his house, bad behavior does not reduce privileges.  Excessive allowances are still given and chores are still opportunities to earn more cash.  Sleepovers are still permitted and encouraged, even if the child has been acting inappropriately.  Why?  Well, sleepovers are easier!  Ship the kid off to some other parent to care for. And all the cash given to a child?  Buying love?  Yes, buying love.  

Chores.  I feel like I am the parent who does most, if not all, of the teaching about chores.  I feel like I have taught all the kitchen work, including cooking skills.  I have taught how to clean a bathroom.  How to clean a bedroom.  How to make a list to keep track of what needs to be done.  I spend so much time teaching these skills.  I think he teaches nothing (based on what my children say).  Yet, he reaps the rewards, doesn't he?

Remember, this is an article about how he gets so much sh*t done.  Well, he's getting all that sh*t done because he is ignoring our children.  I KNOW he is ignoring our children because they TELL ME that they are ignored.  He wanted so much custody in order to punish and control me.  He wanted so much custody because he wanted to look good, he wanted to be super-dad.  He wanted so much custody because he felt like it was HIS RIGHT.  Well, okay.  It IS his right.  Good for him!  But is it good for the kids?  No.  Not in this case.  No.  It is not.  So, I raise the kids on way less time than it actually takes to raise kids, and when they are not with me, they are essentially left to their own devices.  

Table Manners.  Oh my GAWD.  Does he teach them table manners?  No!  Was it like this during the marriage?  Yes. Done on purpose to drive me NUTS. 

Hygiene.  OMG.  I am the one who has mostly done the hair cuts.  The teeth brushing?  After I left him, the children got gingivitis.  That's right.  They didn't have to brush with him!  He never checked!  Thankfully, now that they are getting older, this is better.  But, OMG.  On and on I could go!

You get the point.  It takes no time to brush children's teeth, or to do their hair, if you DO NOTHING.  So, he gets a lot done in that time.  Meanwhile, I do EXTRA work making up for the messes that he causes for the kids.  On and on I could go with the messy details.

One can do the math of the time he has saved, not checking those little mouths to make sure the teeth are properly brushed.  15 minutes a day.  Add that up.  

His Harem.  Oh yes, the Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath and his Harem!  When our kids are sick, does he stay home and nurse them back to health?  Heck no!  His harem will do that trick!  The kids are shipped off to some loving woman to do that job!   Harem members help pick out clothes for the kids.  Hats, gloves, shoes, coats, boots.  You name it.   Harem members take kids places and babysit!  How nice!  How nice for him!

Our children would rather be with THEIR MOTHER, but they have learned the hard way to KEEP THAT TO THEMSELVES or there is HELL TO PAY.  Don't make the N/S/P angry.

The harem members help parent.  The harem members help with homework.  The harem members serve as a surrogate mother.   He would explain this by arrogantly saying "It Takes A Village", implying that by using a village, he is the superior parent, and then he would smile that fake psychopathic smile.   My children have actually said to me that they wish their father would just GO AWAY.  That they like being at his house so much better when he is not home.  They prefer the harem.  The harem pays attention to them.  Takes care of them.  Makes sure they go to bed on time.  All that, you know, parenting stuff.

His Minions.  I don't know the depth of this one, but I do know that when we were married, he would align himself with business partners who did the dirty work for him.  A minion did a lot of the work on projects that served him.

Not my problem anymore.

In the marriage, I did a ton of unpaid work for him.  No pay check.  No social security benefit.  Nope.  I just served him.   My effort and energy serviced his goals.  This subject also deserves an article of its own.

Snuggles and Love.  I'll end on a high note.  My purpose as a mother is to love my kids completely with words and deeds.

I was the primary caregiver and primary attachment figure before the marriage. My babies and me, we were like a mama bird and baby birds, snuggled in a nest.  Much love.  Much attention.  Much squawking.  Much squealing.  

After I left.  Aww, Man...Damn.  My baby birds would come home all damaged.  They needed massive mama love to fix them.  They missed me terribly, painfully.  And I missed them.  And we would do EXTRA snuggles.  

And we still do.

Do you know how much time it takes to do all that snuggling?  HOURS.  Dinner dishes do not get washed when we snuggle the babies.  

So, he gets so much sh*t done because he's not snuggling babies.  He is neglecting babies.  He is ignoring babies.  And the babies are waiting until it's time to go back to their Mama Bird, because she will snuggle them in her nest and give them all the love and birds and squawking and singing they need.

I am still their primary attachment figure, but they have to do without me far too much, because, you know, their father has to assert his rights.  Meanwhile, he's completely unavailable to love and care for anyone, since he is out there, getting so much Sh*t Done.

Thanks for reading,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

Charming Image 
by Bev Sykes "Mama and Baby"
Used by Creative Commons License on


  1. Dear Rose Lee,

    This brought tears to my eyes. I love my son so much and it hurts that he has to endure mind warping neglect and bad character development from his father. "Do you know how much time it takes to do all that snuggling? HOURS. Dinner dishes do not get washed when we snuggle the babies." I can relate too well. I give my son my undivided attention when he is with me. He knows he can count on me. He does not see his father's flaws, and I don't point them out anymore. I tried to a few times, but I was rejected for doing that. Even though I stay quiet now, I am ready to pick up the pieces if my son ever gets discarded by his father. Some psychopaths keep their kids fooled forever, so there's no telling how it will go. Thank you for sharing.


  2. Dear Tina,

    A lot of the time, I feel like I am the only person in the world with this problem; so isolating this experience can be. The fact that this is also your reality makes me realize that I am not alone, which brings it's own sadness with the realization that there are so many of us who suffer needlessly at the hand of the psychopath.

    I wonder if your son has reached a maturity yet where he can see the truth of his dad. It took time for my children to see, but now they do.

    Big hugs,


    1. Rose,
      My son is 18. He could see the truth if he wanted to, but nobody wants to see that. I grew up in a family of psychopaths, that's why I fell victim to many - I was taught to accept dysfunctional behavior as normal. There are a few non-psychopaths in my family tree, but they accept their parents as is. There is no way for me to make them see the toxicity clearly.

      I expect this will be the way with my son, if his father never discards, there is no way for him to see what I have seen. Even if I had recordings of the offensiveness, I would not show my son. He still sees his father the way I used to before. Remember that? When you thought you were the luckiest person to have such a great guy in your life. Barf.


    2. Ugh. I understand. All of it.

      My kids are younger, and they DO see who their dad is, and it causes them pain, annoyance and disappointment. I try to point out the difference between Functional and Dysfunctional behaviors so that they have some frame of reference, since they are growing up with a father who is so very psychopathic. But I try not to tell them that their FATHER is screwed up directly.

      He has mistreated them. They don't trust him. Or like him.

      I am concerned that as they get older, that he will be able to buy them with fancy stuff, and that they will prefer to be at his house more because of the lack of supervision. So far, this has not been an issue, but it is hard not to worry.

      So far, they absolutely prefer me, and think their dad is screwed up. He's pretty bad at the interpersonal stuff, lacks charm.

      I am sorry for your suffering.