Gray Rock

I have stopped being a gray rock.

For a long time post-divorce, I practiced the Gray Rock Method, in order to protect myself from the NSP (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath).  It couldn't continue forever, because I have to live my life.  I became strong enough to risk it.   I took some baby steps, and had some public success.  It felt good to feel like myself again.  It is an important part of recovery.  I look forward to being fully myself again.

There has been backlash.

Since the NSP has so very little contact with me, he attacked me with character assassination.  He used my children as his punching bag.   When he has abused my children in the past, it would destroy me for days.  The most recent attack took me down for about a day.  It is progress.  (Looking on the bright side, noticing my progress: keeps me emotionally healthy.)

The NSP's goal was to destroy me emotionally and physically.  He aimed to destroy my health, my beauty, my finances, my career, my hopes, my relationships.   When I met him, I was bright and shiny.  I was open and courageous.  I shared myself with him.  He was such a wonderful, kind man.  I thought we would have a good life together.

I am so glad I escaped.

I still am rebuilding the life he tried so hard to destroy.

I can not go through my life pretending to be a Grey Rock, because I AM BRIGHT AND SHINY.   Hiding my beauty and ability and happiness serves No One.  My children need to see their mother happy; I am told this again and again by so many people.

I took off my Grey Rock disguise and lived my life.  It was FUN!!!!


---


I am referencing Skylar's article

"The Gray Rock method of dealing with psychopaths" 

to explain WHY the NSP went on the emotional warpath with me.

"when you leave a psychopath, he becomes determined to punish you even more severely for thinking you could be autonomous."

Yes.  I am autonomous.  He hears from my children about my success.  He must retaliate.   His idea that I am so broken and incapable has been proven false.  He is enraged.  He must lash out.  

"So, how do we escape this parasitical leech without triggering his vindictive rage? "

I think the Grey Rock Method is brilliant.  But it is not a life choice that I can continue long term.  And I don't think she intended it to be.  I think I will just have to learn to live with the vindictive rage from the NSP, because hiding under a Grey Rock is not how I want to live my life.  It's not worth it.  My children will learn that their father has a problem BASED ON HIS BEHAVIOR.  He can badmouth me non-stop.  At some point our children will grow accustomed to it.  Nobody can control the NSP.  

"Drama is a psychopath’s remedy for boredom. For drama, they need an audience and some players"

I think I need to teach my children, that when Daddy goes on the emotional warpath, badmouthing mommy: GREY ROCK. Don't fight, don't argue, don't show emotion.  Respond the way you would respond to a bully on the playground.  

"A psychopath is an addict. He is addicted to power. His power is acquired by gaining access to our emotions. "

I don't respond to his nonsense.  I know better.  There is no reason to write him an email, confronting him about the emotional abuse to which he is subjecting our children.  He wants a drama.  He wants a fight.   I won't give it to him.  I need to teach my children to do the same.  

"He envies everything pretty, shiny and sparkly that you have and he wants whatever you value."

Yes he does.  I value my children above anything.  And they LOVE their mother.  The NSP wants to destroy our bond.  

----

Be well,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell


Photograph 
by eric lynch 
"peacock 18 "
Used under Creative Commons license

How the Emotional Abuse Continues in spite of Extreme Low Contact

During the marriage, the NSP was unrelenting in his tearing down of me.   Every contentious story was skewed to paint me in a bad light.  He was fully invested in me being a broken, helpless, sick and damaged person.

I was no more damaged and broken than any other average person on the planet.

During the divorce process, his attempts to paint me in the worst possible light continued.  I was surprised, but should not have been.  Now the carrot was gone, and it was only the stick.  He made outrageous claims about me, that I was a drunk (in spite of the fact that I almost never drank).  On and on, tear down after tear down.  Details don't matter.

Now, he has so little access to me.  I have him in a little box.  And I don't respond.

The only tool he has to hurt me, is our children.

It isn't new.  He started on them right away.  They would come home so distraught.  The stories he would tell them.  Lies.  Twisted truths.

Time passes.  And our children get older.  And his emotional abuse continues.

He abuses them emotionally in all sorts of ways.  But tearing down their mother seems to be his favorite.

Being abused is traumatic.  Emotional abuse is abuse.  Bullies ruin other people's lives and careers.  Children kill themselves to avoid the bullies wrath.  Women kill themselves to avoid the continued abuse from their husbands.

My abuser, my exhusband, reaches out to me and continues his abuse through my children.  He successfully plants the seeds of doubt about me into my children's hearts and minds.  Bless them.   I experience trauma again when I hear his stories from my children's lips.

My children have no context for the awful things he tells them.  They should never hear such things from a parent.  If I defend or explain, I further the damage he has done to them.

Despite the fact that I do not defend myself or explain the truth, they have lost trust.  In me.  In their father.

They should not trust their father.  And they do not.  It has nothing to do with me.  They do not trust him because they learn, over time, that he is not worthy of their trust.

Their father tears at the trust they have for me.  And breaks it down.  And my children grow distant.

Oh yes, it does break my heart.  And it does hurt me.  And it does cause me pain and worry.  Big points for the abuser.

The bigger victim here is our children.  Who float aimlessly, rudderless.

----

So much time has passed that our children mostly can not remember that we were ever married.   The NSP father fills in their memories with lies.

My children know who I am.  They know their father.

When I look back, and when I talk to myself back then, I say: You should have left sooner.  You should have left right away.  There was nothing to stay for.  There was no hope.  

But I didn't know that then.  I didn't know what was happening to me.  I had hope.  I thought maybe we could fix 'it'.

But I was also terrified of him.  Instinctively knowing how vicious he was.  Knowing the terrible position I was in.

It took me a long time to leave.  Too long.

But I got out as soon as I could.

----

If I had it to do all over again.   I would have left right away.

----

This latest attack of emotional abuse proves again how incredibly right I was about him.

We can not control the NSP.  We can not make him stop.

-----

Please, be well,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell


Photograph 
by Thomas Hawk 
"I Will Never Break Your Heart"
Used under Creative Commons license

The Narcissist's Productivity and Success Comes at Our Expense

Alternate Title:  How does the Narcissist get so much Sh*t Done?

How is he so productive?  So 'successful'?  How does the Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath do it?

How?  HE USES PEOPLE.  He gets sh*t done because he's not the one doing the work.

How does this play out with custody?   Oh, even though we share custody, I am the parent who does most of the work.  That's right.  No shocker there.

Medical, Dental, Vision.  I schedule the appointments, I take the kids to and from, I let the teachers know in advance that the kids will miss, and on and on and on.  Eyeglasses break, and I get them fixed.  Retainers are lost and I get them replaced.  I do at least 95% of the work.  Then, I get to to bill him!  Billing takes time.  He pays a large portion of the expenses, but I have to bill him.  I have to keep track that he actually reimburses me. And then, when he doesn't, I have to re-bill him.  Joy. 

And for all this effort, do I get thanks?   No.  I get criticized.  I get threatened.  I get accused.  He makes demands.  Oh Joy.  

Today, I'm not feeling at all Zen about it.  I'm pissed off.  I'm tired of this sh*t.  I mean, this is NOT what I signed up for when I decided to be a mother.  I expected to be loved and supported and appreciated by my spouse.  Instead, I feel incredibly disappointed and angry.

And, to be sure, he throws in plenty of sabotage.   He knows that neglecting our children's health and hygiene needs will infuriate me.  How does he know this?  Why, because I am a MOTHER.  I am a good, decent, conscientious mother.  I love my children.  I take care of them.  He neglects them in myriad ways, and I put the pieces back together.  

It was like this during the marriage.  Although, I had much more control back then, since he was not around so much, and I had 100 percent custody.   

This is a good time to mention that having 100 percent custody means having zero percent time off.  No time off is a huge bummer.  Shared custody, while not my preference, is not all bad! That will be the subject for another article. 

School Projects are mostly left to me and my time.  (I hate the concept of "my time" and "his time." But, for the sake of this discussion, I will leave it.)  My kids come home with half finished projects, or barely started, or badly done - Due The Next Day.  They had all week, or weekend to do the project.  Typically, they began the project with me.  Or completed half or more, with me.   But they needed to finish it up while with their dad.  They come home tired from staying up late, working on these projects at the last minute.  They have to cram it in at home.  With me.  Last minute.  Stressful.  There are often tears.  There is drama.  (What a waste.  What a shame.  What a childhood.)

School Homework.  Let's not even go there.  Eye roll.  

Parenting.  Even though we share custody.  I feel like I do most of the parenting.  The discipline.  At his house, bad behavior does not reduce privileges.  Excessive allowances are still given and chores are still opportunities to earn more cash.  Sleepovers are still permitted and encouraged, even if the child has been acting inappropriately.  Why?  Well, sleepovers are easier!  Ship the kid off to some other parent to care for. And all the cash given to a child?  Buying love?  Yes, buying love.  

Chores.  I feel like I am the parent who does most, if not all, of the teaching about chores.  I feel like I have taught all the kitchen work, including cooking skills.  I have taught how to clean a bathroom.  How to clean a bedroom.  How to make a list to keep track of what needs to be done.  I spend so much time teaching these skills.  I think he teaches nothing (based on what my children say).  Yet, he reaps the rewards, doesn't he?

Remember, this is an article about how he gets so much sh*t done.  Well, he's getting all that sh*t done because he is ignoring our children.  I KNOW he is ignoring our children because they TELL ME that they are ignored.  He wanted so much custody in order to punish and control me.  He wanted so much custody because he wanted to look good, he wanted to be super-dad.  He wanted so much custody because he felt like it was HIS RIGHT.  Well, okay.  It IS his right.  Good for him!  But is it good for the kids?  No.  Not in this case.  No.  It is not.  So, I raise the kids on way less time than it actually takes to raise kids, and when they are not with me, they are essentially left to their own devices.  

Table Manners.  Oh my GAWD.  Does he teach them table manners?  No!  Was it like this during the marriage?  Yes. Done on purpose to drive me NUTS. 

Hygiene.  OMG.  I am the one who has mostly done the hair cuts.  The teeth brushing?  After I left him, the children got gingivitis.  That's right.  They didn't have to brush with him!  He never checked!  Thankfully, now that they are getting older, this is better.  But, OMG.  On and on I could go!

You get the point.  It takes no time to brush children's teeth, or to do their hair, if you DO NOTHING.  So, he gets a lot done in that time.  Meanwhile, I do EXTRA work making up for the messes that he causes for the kids.  On and on I could go with the messy details.

One can do the math of the time he has saved, not checking those little mouths to make sure the teeth are properly brushed.  15 minutes a day.  Add that up.  

His Harem.  Oh yes, the Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath and his Harem!  When our kids are sick, does he stay home and nurse them back to health?  Heck no!  His harem will do that trick!  The kids are shipped off to some loving woman to do that job!   Harem members help pick out clothes for the kids.  Hats, gloves, shoes, coats, boots.  You name it.   Harem members take kids places and babysit!  How nice!  How nice for him!

Our children would rather be with THEIR MOTHER, but they have learned the hard way to KEEP THAT TO THEMSELVES or there is HELL TO PAY.  Don't make the N/S/P angry.

The harem members help parent.  The harem members help with homework.  The harem members serve as a surrogate mother.   He would explain this by arrogantly saying "It Takes A Village", implying that by using a village, he is the superior parent, and then he would smile that fake psychopathic smile.   My children have actually said to me that they wish their father would just GO AWAY.  That they like being at his house so much better when he is not home.  They prefer the harem.  The harem pays attention to them.  Takes care of them.  Makes sure they go to bed on time.  All that, you know, parenting stuff.

His Minions.  I don't know the depth of this one, but I do know that when we were married, he would align himself with business partners who did the dirty work for him.  A minion did a lot of the work on projects that served him.

Not my problem anymore.

In the marriage, I did a ton of unpaid work for him.  No pay check.  No social security benefit.  Nope.  I just served him.   My effort and energy serviced his goals.  This subject also deserves an article of its own.

Snuggles and Love.  I'll end on a high note.  My purpose as a mother is to love my kids completely with words and deeds.

I was the primary caregiver and primary attachment figure before the marriage. My babies and me, we were like a mama bird and baby birds, snuggled in a nest.  Much love.  Much attention.  Much squawking.  Much squealing.  

After I left.  Aww, Man...Damn.  My baby birds would come home all damaged.  They needed massive mama love to fix them.  They missed me terribly, painfully.  And I missed them.  And we would do EXTRA snuggles.  

And we still do.

Do you know how much time it takes to do all that snuggling?  HOURS.  Dinner dishes do not get washed when we snuggle the babies.  

So, he gets so much sh*t done because he's not snuggling babies.  He is neglecting babies.  He is ignoring babies.  And the babies are waiting until it's time to go back to their Mama Bird, because she will snuggle them in her nest and give them all the love and birds and squawking and singing they need.

I am still their primary attachment figure, but they have to do without me far too much, because, you know, their father has to assert his rights.  Meanwhile, he's completely unavailable to love and care for anyone, since he is out there, getting so much Sh*t Done.

Thanks for reading,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell


Charming Image 
by Bev Sykes "Mama and Baby"
Used by Creative Commons License on Flickr.com

Do Your Due Diligence

The Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath, with whom I share custody of my child(ren) and from whom I am divorced, is remarried.

His New Wife

My friends and I, we have worried for her, and prayed for her.  We have wished there was a way to intervene, to protect her from the hell she unknowingly signed up for when she allowed a psychopath into her life.

I have no contact with her because the man she married is a psychopath.
Her husband is my former husband.
I could not reach out to her without doing damage to myself.

If I could communicate with the current wife, this is what I would say to her.  And to all of the spring chickens out there, who haven't lived enough yet to understand the way the world can work.

Do Your Due Diligence

I know it is hard to do due diligence on a man who has targeted you.  He has you in his sight.  You are his goal, and he is doing everything he can to win.  To win the game.

He uses everything you say, to win you.  Any information you give him will be used.  Pro and Con.

You are impressed by his big professional status, and his big house.  You are impressed by the display of wealth.

You are impressed by my lovely, bright, articulate child(ren).  The child(ren) used as bait.

Your dreams are used as bait.

You have conveyed your dreams to him.  He seems so interested in your dreams.  He compliments  and praises your passion for life.  He promises to help make your dreams come true.  You will be a team.

I have watched from afar this dream of yours come to life.  You didn't need him to accomplish your dream.

Why does he want you so badly?

1. He wants to prove he is not a failure.  In his mind:  His wife left him, therefore, he's a failure.  He couldn't keep me, or control me.  I escaped.  He failed.

2. He wants help with the child(ren).  Raising a child is hard work.  It is work he never did much of when he was married to me, the mother.  He was largely absent from our lives.  He wants you to do the work.  And you do.  You are the unpaid help.  He flatters your mothering skills.  He's all about the flattery.

3. He wants the added income.  You make good money.  Your money offsets the expense of paying my alimony and child support.   I was a stay-at-home mom.  I didn't work.  You work.  He enjoys the financial damage control and the bonus to his lifestyle.

4. Sex?  I guess he wants you for sex.  But, there probably isn't much sex.

5. His House.  He wants to share the expenses and household chores.  It's a big house.  It takes a lot to heat and cool that monstrosity.   You help pay for the maid?  The gardener?

6. He wants a toy.  You are it.  He messes with your mind.  Dominates you.  Controls you.  Wear and Tear you down.  Good times.  Am I right?



How You Could Have Done Due Diligence

1. You could have dated him for longer.

Much longer.  You didn't date him nearly long enough, and you agreed to marry him much too soon.   You met him and married him within a year.  Not nearly long enough.

However, he kept up his act with me for nearly three years, so, if an N/S/P wants you badly enough, they can keep up the act for longer.  And, he may be on better behavior with you for longer, because you haven't gotten pregnant.  You are employed.  You could still walk out pretty easily.

Is he showing his true colors to you yet?  I know he has shown you some, but can you see it? Maybe they are still too subtle?  Is he wearing you down slowly?

2. Financial Audit.

You could have asked to see his tax returns, and an accounting of his assets/liabilities.  Not so romantic.  And he is such a liar that he would have done a reasonable job obfuscating the truth.  Obfuscation is one of his favorite communication techniques.  Have you discovered that yet?  Surely, you have.

It would have been difficult to see the truth since he was still involved in divorcing me.  Also, not so romantic.  Maybe that should have been part of the due diligence process for you.  A clue.  Like, don't agree to marry anyone who is divorcing.  Let the dust settle.  Let the cards and finances fall where they may.  Because, I don't see how you could have not gotten screwed in the process of him screwing me during our property settlement.

Why on earth would you sign up to participate with a man who is financially still entangled with his ex-wife?  I truly don't want to be mean, but, isn't that sorta Dumb?

3. Talk to the Family.

Ugh.  This one is tough because you were getting snowed from all angles.   I assume that his family was desperate for things to be made right for their darling angel.  He is the crown prince of the family, can't you see?  His mother is desperate for a daughter-in-law who will cow-tow, and whose boundaries she can violate, and on whom she can dote/smother.   I know you are aware of this by now.

I know you tended to her at the beginning and I know you are worn out with her already.

4. Snooping.

If you had snooped in his email, that would have helped.  You would have seen all the crazy emails he wrote to me.  Snooping is also extremely unromantic.  Not the foundation of trust one wants in a new marriage.  But, shouldn't trust be earned rather than freely given? 

You gave your trust to an untrustworthy person.

( Side note to my self: ALERT!  Ethical Dilemma! After being in a relationship with a psychopath, will I snoop around in a romantic partner's email account?  Horror.  That's not who I want to be!  But, that is what it takes to be in a relationship with a psycho.  Strategy.  Deception.  No Thanks!  And this is why I maintain Extremely Limited Contact with the psychopathic father of my child(ren).)

5. Steer Clear of the Man With the "Crazy" Ex-wife.

Calling me crazy was the name of his game.  By now, however, you have probably started to wonder: How Crazy Can She Be?  His argument is worn out.  Time marches on, and no sign of Crazy Ex-Wife have you seen. Maybe the fact that I won't talk to him, see him, come near him, sit with him, participate in any way with him or his family....maybe that looked crazy or questionable to you, back then.  But, maybe by now, you have seen enough of his crazy behavior, and the way he treats his child(ren) and your pet(s)...that my avoidance of him is starting to make sense?

Calling the target "crazy" is typical of an abuser.  He used his "Crazy" Ex-wife as a marketing tool to win you.  He flattered you by telling you how much better you were than me.  I don't know this for sure, but I can hear him now, complimenting you about how good you are with his child(ren).  So much better than his crazy ex-wife.  Flattery.

He's a Really Good Psychopath

You were his target.

He wanted you, and he got you.  You were easy.  You married him too soon.  You asked too few questions.  You didn't press for the hard answers.   You didn't walk away when he gave you a reason, and I know he gave you reason.

I expect that he is desperate to keep you.  I expect he doesn't want the stain of another divorce.  I expect that his game has improved, which may keep you around longer.

If you leave him, he will find another woman asap.  We are utterly replaceable.

He doesn't see us for ourselves, just for the services that we provide.  We fill in the blank.



by AKA Rose Lee Mitchell


Further reading for the spring chickens: Here is how life really does work, when one is dealing with an entitled, abusive, narcissistic spouse.  
From the New York Times:  Divorce Funding Firms Help Spouses Expecting Big Payouts

Binocular Photograph by "Daniele Zanni" on flickr. 

Title "A sort of birdwatching"
Used under the Creative Commons License

Target Photograph by "Pete" on flickr. 

Title "Stay On Target"
Used under the Creative Commons License

On the Other Side

A Ruined Life

It wasn't that long ago, that I feared I had ruined my life.

After I left my husband, I would wake up with such a profound sense of dread, that I felt like I was sinking into the ground to be swallowed whole.  Ruin.  Mistake.  No turning back.

His psychopathic, veiled and overt threats, emotional manipulations and lies, did not stop after I left.  They increased.

The carrots were fewer.  The stick was bigger.

One major improvement was that he was no longer in my personal space.  My home became my sanctuary.  He was not allowed.

He tried, of course, to get in.  He complained that I wouldn't let him come over, that my insistence to meet in a public place for custody exchanges was bad for our child(ren) and was evidence that I was mentally unstable.  He implied that I was a liar for being afraid of him.  He outright said that I was a liar, and that he was the victim.  He said anything that pleased him.

He mostly said it in emails, since I quickly learned to never ever speak to him in person or on the phone.  The fact that I had an email-only boundary became more evidence that I was mentally unwell.  He insisted that we should have meals together with our child(ren), as a family, even though we were separated.  For the sake of the child(ren).

He said worse things in court documents.  Accused me of things so far from the truth that I was terrified of what he was capable of doing or saying.  Clearly, he would do and say anything to destroy me.  And he tried.

The financial abuse was bad during the marriage.  The financial abuse continued after I left.

You know what unrelenting stress does to a living being?  The stress was unrelenting.  Years and years of stress.  Purposeful stress from a Psychopath to his target.

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I felt that there was no light at the end of the tunnel.  No light at all.
I feared that I would remain in darkness forever.

It occurred to me that perhaps there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
Perhaps this tunnel was so long, that I would have to act on faith,
act as if there was a light out there.

So, I pretended.

That country song:  If you're going through hell, keep on movin'.

After a long while, I could see that there was a dim light at the other end of the tunnel.

After another long while, I could see I was almost there.

Another long while, and I was outside the tunnel, in the light.   But the tunnel was right there next to me, a big open gaping mouth of darkness.

Now, finally, years and years later, I'm on the other side.  And I know that there is a tunnel.  But I'm not sure where it is.  It's over there.  Or back that way.

Let me be clear.  The Tunnel is not Depression.
The Tunnel is the Hellish Escape from the Psychopath.

The Problem With Marriage

If he had just been a boyfriend, and not a husband,
I could have walked away, and would have, many many times.
If I had just been married, with no child(ren),
I could have walked away, and I would have.
If he had not made my life so incredibly difficult,
undermining me in so many ways, I could have walked away.
If my child(ren) had been older.

Mercifully, Children grow older.  Less fragile.  Less dependent.
They have voices.  They can speak up.
They can wash their own hair.
They can wipe their own bottom.
They can report if someone touches them in a private place...

Mercifully, the bonds of marriage finally do break after so much wear and tear.
Hope dies away after so much disappointment.
No matter how hopeful we once were, we finally do read the writing on the wall:
Something is very much the matter with the marriage, and
No, it will not improve
and
Yes, I must leave.

Mercifully, life made impossible to live with a psychopath
becomes so unbearable
that it is suddenly "easy" to leave.
Fears of being penniless are so much better than the alternative of having to live with a monster.
Fears of being murdered by him outweigh the fear of leaving him.
So, fine, yes please, I will gladly be penniless and live in a tiny apartment if it means I am free.
The confines of the gilded cage are so miserable, why not go out into the wild?

Mercifully, the psychopath grows so power hungry and out of control
that we see his madness for what it is.
Madness. Cruelty.
His threats and abuse are so obviously inexcusable.
So obviously abuse.
Once upon a time we excused his misbehavior for reasons x, y, or z.
Now we have lived through so much of it, for so long, we know enough to say "No".

Mercifully, our newfound spirit of "No" drives him over the edge,
and his mask falls off so often and so profoundly
that we realize the Monster is the Man.

Connected By Our Child(ren)

If I didn't have child(ren) with him, I would have healed up long ago.
I would have left him in the dust.  He would be forgotten, mostly.
A bad episode, a bad era, a bad memory.

Because of our child(ren), he has exercised
his opportunities to continue to punish, threaten, manipulate, bully.
Because of our child(ren), I must stay nearby for shared custody.
I can not flee to another town or state or country.  I'm planted.
This gives him endless opportunities to reinsert himself into my life.
It's been a wound that wants to fester, instead of heal.
Re-exposed again and again to the trauma.

His ongoing neglect and abuse of our child(ren),
his continued threats and unwelcome (and illegal) appearances at my house,
his continued financial abuses, his manipulations :
Repeated exposure to his psychopathic behavior slowed my recovery from the abusive relationship.
Repeated exposure to his psychopathic behavior slowed my recovery from the abusive relationship.

Repeated exposure to his psychopathic behavior slowed my recovery from the abusive relationship.  

My child(ren)'s upset about Daddy's Lies, not wanting to be with him, missing Mommy :
Tore me apart.

But we all grow up.  I grow up.  My child(ren) grow up.
Daddy's Problems stay the same, and we all get wise to it.
Daddy's Problem gets worse as time passes.
We stop circling around and around Daddy's Disorder,
and we move on with our lives.

On the Other Side

On the other side, there is peace.  There is happiness.

On the other side, my home is a safe place.  Every day, I become more settled.  I have peace.

I have more financial security than I ever did in the marriage.

On the other side, my time is my own.

It took a long time, but I made it through the tunnel.  Life is good on the other side.


written by AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

Photograph by "Swift Photography Company " on flicker. 

Title "Light at the End of the Tunnel 2"
Used under the Creative Commons License

Anatomy of the Overt Email Threat

Anatomy of the Overt Email Threat From the Psychopathic or Narcissistic Ex-husband With Whom One Shares Child Custody

This is a breakdown of threatening emails I typically receive from my Ex-Husband. He will

a. Present a kind, decent and professional tone.

b. Pretend Helpfulness. 

c. Lie about me as if it were a fact.  

d. Pose as a righteous, good, upstanding man.  

e. Slather on the drama.

f.  THIS ONE IS VERY IMPORTANT: State that it’s not just HIM that sees it HIS way.  It’s EVERYONE.  It’s THEM against me.  Make it seem that I am outnumbered and alone. EVERYONE is on his side.  

g. Tell me what I should be doing if I were being Right and Good and Worthy, like him.

h. OVERTLY THREATEN to sue for full custody if I don’t do his will.   

i. Try to induce guilt with a lie couched as fact.

j. Demand answers to questions he asks about vague issues that he made up.   

Item j. doesn’t make sense.  That’s right.  It doesn’t make sense.  It’s crazy making.  That’s what it’s like to deal with a Psychopath or Narcissist.  Nothing makes sense.  It’s a red flag that you are dealing with a Psychopathic or Narcissistic person.  Get away quickly.  

An important part of the threat is that He Created This Issue.  

It’s a non-issue that he has made into an issue in order to ATTEMPT to:

1. Scare Me

2. Control Me I know what he is capable of.  He is reminding me of his viciousness.  He is saying: don’t mess with me. I’m more powerful than you. 

3. Destroy My Happiness Good things are happening in my life.  He hears about it.   He wants me destroyed.   He thinks: I have failed at destroying my ex-wife? Quick, let me do something to mess with her head.  

4. Engage with the Target I’m the target.  He used to control me.  He doesn’t control me anymore. This makes him mad.  He wants me back UNDER HIS CONTROL.  Even though it looks as if he has moved on, he wants me back UNDER HIS CONTROL.  

When he sends the email he: 

5. Releases Tension Something is not right in his life.  I’m the dog that he kicks when he’s down.  Money

trouble?  Relationship trouble?  Anything.  Stress?  He kicks the target with a threatening email, and he feels better.  

6. Engages With the Target Even if I don’t respond, he engaged by pressing send.  It’s like he’s using porn.  He had sex with himself.    

7. Gets Off On It  Yes I do mean sexually.  I think he gets sexual pleasure from writing the email and sending it to me.   And if he doesn’t get sexual pleasure, then he gets some sort of pleasure.  Like a child tearing the wings off of butterflies. 

My tactics: 

Plan A:  Ignore the hell out of him. 

Sometimes this works, but N/P’s hate being ignored, so it can make it worse.  

Plan B: Write a very pleasant email where I say something to soothe the dragon.  

This usually works, and he goes away for a while. 

Plan C: Let the cards fall where they may.   (also a general life strategy)

I’m not in charge of the universe.  If he wants to actually go to court to fight for custody, there’s nothing I can do to control him.  So, I’m not gonna worry bout it one lil bit.  I’m gon go have some fun, make some dough, get some sleep, enjoy my life, and relish the fact that I am no longer married to a Psychopathic Ass.  

Be Well People.


http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2013/03/anatomy-of-overt-email-threat.html

         

Beautiful Photograph by S-A-M on flicker.
Title "Strength"
http://www.flickr.com/photos/s-a-m/372459311/
Used under the Creative Commons License


More reading: Grey Rock
http://180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/