The Perpetual Lie, Part 1

Today I coin a phrase:  The Perpetual Lie
definition:  The NSP generates lies perpetually in order to diminish, destroy and control.  

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It has been many years since I have spent any time with my NSP ex-husband.  Let’s say, between 4-7 years.  (Why the ambiguity?) 

We rarely have face-to-face encounters.  We almost never speak on the phone.  I withhold personal information from him.   When I do see him in person, it is from a distance.   I practice extreme low-contact. 

Despite his profound lack of current knowledge about me, the Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath perpetuates his lies about me.   These lies are the same sort he generated during our marriage and divorce.   General lies meant to control and diminish me.   Lies meant to diminish me in the minds of our children, to confuse and control them, and to separate them from me.  

How do I know?  Well, my children tell me!  They come to me confused and concerned about the nonsense Daddy says.  

My reactions are confused as well.  In a high pitched, slightly silly voice I respond, wide eyed:  Really?  Daddy said that?  What could he possibly mean?  How could he possibly have that opinion?  Is he here?  Is he watching me?

And we wonder. 

I make a little joke of it all.  How Silly that he thinks he knows me!

When we were married, he would tell me I was lazy, and I would react.  I would become upset and worried.  I would reflect on my day and how I spent it.  I would justify all the work I had done.  I would point out all the wonderful things I had done with and for our children; wonderful food, projects, spent quality time, and on and on. 

We would argue about it.  The NSP loves a good argument.

He would tell me I was broken.  He would tell me I was wrong.   He had his lists and stories and evidence. 

I would defend myself.  The NSP loves the engagement.  Ooooh, he had me where he wanted me!  He had my full attention!  Mind, body and soul.

None of it matters.  
Not then.  Not Now.  
His opinion doesn’t matter.  
He doesn’t matter.   

The only reason he ever got any traction with those lies is because I was invested in a relationship with him.  I was married to him.  I had children with him.  My mistake.  My great and grave mistake. 

But I am out now.  And really, his comments to me and about me are of no consequence.  Sure, they can be annoying.  Sure, they could be damaging our children.

If:
I can not control him.  
Then: 
Why bother trying?  
Why bother caring? 

My job then should have been to ignore him, to get away from him.  As soon as possible.  

My job now is to ignore him, and stay away from him.  And I do, as much as possible.  

My job is to live my life, love my kids, be healthy, be happy.  Live.

Worrying about the psychopath and the stupid things he says and does, is like focusing on the alcoholic….  Don’t.   When we focus on the disordered person, we become like them.  We lose our own moments, and we are sucked into Their Disordered World.

The NSP lives in a horrible world.  From the outside, his world looks shiny and fancy and it is decorated with public acknowledgement of his awesomeness.  The reality is, that the NSP is hollow and cold and his world is built on lies.  It is no place for a real human to live.  

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I can’t control him.  I can’t make him stop.   So I don't try....

Be Well, 

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell




Upper Image

Thomas Hawk "Some Folks Say I Drink Too Much"  

Creative Commons License via Flickr

Lower Image
Leo-seta "Drinking bird"
Creative Commons License via Flickr



These AlAnon Speaker recordings on youtube have been very helpful to me.