Sunday, November 8, 2015

Emotional and Verbal Abuse via Email


Emotional abuse via email.


We complain about how the abuser continues to berate us post-divorce.  Despite the passage of time and reduced contact, we still receive his hate via email.  We can't escape reading the incessant and pointless arguments, because we had the grave misfortune of having their children.  But, we can and do choose to not respond to the bait. 

Even though I am many years separated and divorced from the NSP (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath), he routinely sends emotional assaults my way via email and by way of my children.  I have reduced face-to-face contact to nearly zero, so he doesn't come at me that way anymore.

Come at me.  Assault.  Abuse.  I use this language purposely.

The psychopath wants to kick you in the mouth precisely to keep you down.

He wants to knock the wind out of your sails, using all that intimate knowledge of your heart and history, gathered when he was your intimate partner.  If it is special to you, it will be used against you.  Hopefully you held some secrets back.  I did.  He'll use everything and anything to hurt you.   He’ll take achievements that you feel proud of, and twist them into shameful experiences.   And you’ll be left wondering, WTF? 

This is why no contact is the best way to go.  Except, in our case, with dependent children in tow, we must maintain some contact.  In my situation, I currently dance between extreme low contact and controlled contact.  I control the contact.  My terms.  My show.

Recently I attended an event with my children. My exhusband appeared.  Oh, by the way, I looked fabulous (and confident and happy and strong).  Even though the sight of him was so much less-than-pleasant for me, I played it cool.  No biggie.  Yes, yes, yes, much time has passed.  And yes, of course, my cool wore thin as the night wore on - I can only take so much. (He spoke to me after all.  Vomit.)  Compared to years past when a mere glimpse of him would send me into a post-traumatic state --- this is major improvement and cause for celebration.

I try to avoid the face-to-face enounters also, because I believe that it flares the psychopath.  He sees me, and then some bad behavior follows.  He viciously attacks my children with hateful slanderous words about their mother.  (This is child abuse.)  He sends me hateful and slanderous emails accusing me of all manner of nonsense.  His swirl of hate spilling forth, while me and my kids are trying to live our lives.  And we’re like: WTF?  We mustn't be too happy or too comfortable, or daddy will come to destroy our calm, and knock us off center. 

Remember all those years when you were at his whim?  When you had to live in the same house?  They call it ‘walking on eggshells’ but that never resonated with me.  It was more like dodging bullets.  It was more like waiting for the bomb to go off.   Bombs detonating all weekend, and nearly every holiday.  What a life.  

I believe one of the best responses to such a (stupid and spineless) attack is no response at all.  Silence for him.  Oh Look, Daddy throwing a little hissy fit over there! Daddy is a drama queen. Next.

The latest attack on my self comes predictably.   After all, HE SAW ME.  He knows that I am doing great.   I look great.  Happy and calm.   

The shitty things he writes are annoying, but really, they are just stupid lies, and I'm not going to fight with him.  The part that hurts (and makes me feel small) is that I made such a mistake in CHOOSING HIM to be my intimate partner in life, and he turned out to be such a horror.  The sinking feeling of regret that I didn't know how to get away from him sooner.  The pain of wasted time - that it took me as long as it took to escape and untangle.   He got so far into my heart and mind that I am still recovering from his whittling away at my self esteem all these years later.  That sucks!    I didn't jump ship at 6 months, or one year.  I wish I had!  I was still strong back then!   I didn't know the signs, or what those signs meant.  If I had, I would have fled.  I didn’t trust my gut. 

But I didn't know!  Couldn't know!  Unfortunate me.  (This is one of the reasons that I write and share online, to shed some light on the abuse so many of us face.)

In response to the endless hate emotional abuse emails it is super tempting to "set him straight" and "tell him like it is".    No. No no no no no no.  He knows what the facts are.  I don't get it, but clearly he enjoys twisting the truth.  He delights in it.  

Think about that.   Years later.  He is still trying to engage his ex-wife.  Writing hate mail to her.  Seriously?  That is who he IS.   He is so sick and small and deranged that he writes hate mail to a woman who DUMPED HIM.  Who said: See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!    Who said: Later tater.   

He has a NEW WIFE and he is still focused on ME.  SERIOUSLY?????  Are you kidding me?  GET A LIFE man. 

And I'm not gonna actually say that to him.  Because, why?  Why engage?  Don't engage.  He lives for the fight.  The psychopath wants attention.  He is the earth and the sun circles round him.  Or rather, he wishes it did.  

Let it go.

So, my response to his latest version of reality, where I am the target of his hate:  

No response at all.   Let him spin. 

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If you have an example of an emotionally abusive email from your ex, and you would like to share it,  you are welcome to.  Please remove all identifying information.  I will review it and post it.

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Be well,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell









Photograph by Olaf Eichler234/365Used under Creative Commons license



Related Articles: 
How the Emotional Abuse Continues in spite of Extreme Low Contact



5 comments:

  1. Wanted to share a recent email from my ex. I get the same thing as you! I asked him to help pay for braces. PS. He pays $417 a month for two kids.


    Take out my half from the child support I send every month.

    Last I checked I send over $5,300 a year. Where is the money going? Is the money going to support adults in the house? Adult Food bills? Adult vehicles? Adult pleasure drinks? Adult bills? Adult pleasures?

    The disgusting, very sad part is that YOU spend the children's money on your own wants and needs rather than theirs. THEIR MONEY SHOULD BE GOING TO SUPPORT THEIR NEEDS--THEIR NEEDS--THEIR NEEDS!

    Where is my half of their money going? Where is your contribution going?

    SHOW ME WHERE $10,000 DOLLARS WENT TOWARDS THE GIRLS IN the last FISCAL YEAR! Or maybe it would be easier to show me where $10,000 dollars went towards adults in the house, eh?

    Disgusting and low life, shameful behavior! The girl's money should be used for THEM!
    The girl's money should be used for THEM! The girl's money should be used for THEM! The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!Disgusting and low life, shameful behavior! The girl's money should be used for THEM!
    The girl's money should be used for THEM! The girl's money should be used for THEM! The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!Disgusting and low life, shameful behavior! The girl's money should be used for THEM!
    The girl's money should be used for THEM! The girl's money should be used for THEM! The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!Disgusting and low life, shameful behavior! The girl's money should be used for THEM!
    The girl's money should be used for THEM! The girl's money should be used for THEM! The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!Disgusting and low life, shameful behavior! The girl's money should be used for THEM!
    The girl's money should be used for THEM! The girl's money should be used for THEM! The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!Disgusting and low life, shameful behavior! The girl's money should be used for THEM!
    The girl's money should be used for THEM! The girl's money should be used for THEM! The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!The girl's money should be used for THEM!

    WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY?WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY?WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEYWHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY?WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY?WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY?WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEYWHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY?WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY?WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY?WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEYWHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY?WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY?WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY?WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEYWHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY? WHERE IS THEIR MONEY?

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    Replies
    1. Before I published your message, I shared the email from your ex with Agnes, (my friend who contributes to this site occasionally) and she wrote:

      "Did the man write all that repetitive stuff? If so, that's really disturbing. Made my heart skip a beat. Wow. He's a bully & intimidating. I wonder if he ever hit the poor woman. Imagine what he was like in person if that's how he does an e-mail. Yikes.

      Note the control . . . he's demanding that she provide to him receipts for an accounting. I hope this poor woman ignores this ass clown."

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  2. I received this after asking my ex to share in an extraordinary expense cost of a specialty athletic program our daughter was invited to attend (here basic child support isn't supposed to cover the major extras, like year long athletic programs, daycare, etc.). He lied in our last mediation and hid plans to increase income and got major breaks on support. I pay for all the extras, when he should be paying 65%. So I ask him to share a fee, and request his consent to take dd to meets on his weekends. Simple right? A non narcissist would say, "sure, great, I'll split this with you. Sure great, let's both cheer her on on weekends".

    But nope.

    Here's a little snippet of what I get (without prejudice of course….which to me just reinforces WHY I need no contact with this assclown. As soon as he thinks no one is watching or he can get away with it, he starts to play all the games he projects and accuses me of):

    "WITHOUT PREJUDICE
    Your previous diatribe is as ridiculous as it is inaccurate. You should consult with your attorney about the benefits of brevity.
    I am reminded of the awful emails I would receive from you when we were married. You would sit down at the computer in the middle of the night and vomit your post-partum depression delirium at me, blaming me for everything wrong with your life...
    With the benefit of time we now have the opportunity to put that type of insanity behind us but you still seem to stuck in a ‘___ is threat’ mentality. How sad. Despite your pithy rants on Facebook, you appear to still suffering from self delusions about your own mental illness(es).
    1) You do not have the authority to set aside our financial agreement anytime it suits you. We have a schedule (that now apparently disappoints you) that describes how much I contribute for child support. Despite your assertions, this is above the prescribed schedule. You may not like it now. I understand. I don’t like the present custody schedule. It too is out of touch and out of date. I will be patient but our Agreement does not give you authority to determine custody schedules based on your assessment of dd's adaption to kindergarten. I have taken a course on ‘Anxiety Disorders in School Children’ and have discussed many strategies with professionals at ____ school, and in the community. You err in assuming you have the sole authority to make this decision.
    2) You can enrol dd's in gymnastics, ukulele lessons or anything you want. I am contributing for those expenses in my monthly child support payments. These payments should rightly be applied to their activities, not payments for your new SUV, holiday trips or home renovations. I am supportive of Casey doing gymnastics. I am willing to drive her to competitions. As you consistently present as hostile to me (even in front of the girls), I am less than enthusiastic about your presence at these events on my weekends and would ask that you consult with legal counsel regarding the wisdom of this proposal."

    So my email is an example of the same kind of crap the previous commenter shared. It's just modified by him having a degree in journalism with a specialty in public relations.

    Facts: He is underpaying BASIC support by $200/month per tables. He contributes 0$ to the extras. I never had post partum depression (I occasionally called him out on his deadbeatedness after endless nights of baby care with no help). I never sent middle of night emails. There may have been one slightly longer one when I discovered he planned to cheat on me and he refused to discuss it in marital counselling (he was only willing to discuss all the ways that I needed to change).
    I have not been 'hostile' to him;I have evidence and witnesses.
    No idea what he means by pithy FB rants, given he is blocked and I don't post about him anyway.
    And taken a course on childhood anxiety disorders? Pretty strange given how well our kids are doing.
    Ugh.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for sharing this. I will think on it and respond.

      Much Love,

      Rose Lee

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