Sunday, May 3, 2015

Let It Go: The Ever-Present Worry

Nervous.  Upset.  Judgmental.  Self-sacrificing.  Must get it right.

These are traits of so many women I meet.  Mothers my age.

They seem so scared.  Must say the right thing.  Must do the right thing.

Where is the "fuck it"?  Where is the carelessness?

Can we not be careless?  Is it a crime?

These women are so concerned about doing it Right.  I recognize it because I have been one of them.

I want to give up that hyper-vigilance!

I have been so worried about the ever present ominous threat of losing my children to the monster in some epic custody battle.   Yeah.  There was an epic battle.  But it's over.  His threat has ever loomed.  But, ya know what?  I'm freaking tired of it.  I'm over it.


Everything in us is programmed to protect our young.  Fight to the death! Sacrifice!  Stay present to danger!  Keep our babies in our sight!   That's why we have eyes in the back of our head, and ears that hear for a mile or more.  That's right.  We are super-natural.

The crazy man Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath takes this super strength and uses it against the mother/target/victim.  All of a sudden, our beautiful tightly wound cord that binds us to our beautiful babies become a noose used to control us.  Yeah.  Imagery.  Dig it.

Unless you have lived this crazy train shared custody back and forth split personality bullshit lifestyle, it is my belief that you have no earthly idea what I am talking about.

Here's why.

This is not some well deserved respite that you get annually or bi-annually when you have girl's weekend in the mountains and the all-women's retreat at church.  You don't get to come back and gawk at the horrid clothing combos that daddy dressed your babies in when they went to church while you were away.  That's charming.  Shared custody with a sociopath ain't charming.

Or, you are a rockstar awesome power mama career badass and you travel for work A LOT because you have ambition and you bring home major cash.  Woman, you rock it.  Daddy does a good job.  You love him.  You miss your kids so much.  I get it.  But your life functions and your kids are well loved and so are you.  Lucky gal.

It is not the same.

My mothering is put up on a shelf for extended periods of time.  My children are neglected and brainwashed.  They come back damaged.  I have to fix it best I can.  It's impossible to fix.  Our relationship has been purposefully and systematically eroded by a sociopath for the fun of it.  It's great fun for an NSP to weaken, stress and undermine his target.  Yes, his target includes his children.

So, here is my point.

Let Go.

Let it go, as the famous song says.

All this worry.  All his continued control from a far.  All the concern for perfection in motherhood.  Forget it.  All that ---- is killing me.  All that ---- is draining the ever loving LIFE out of me.  All that worry about what so and so might think or say.  Whatever.  They ain't thinking 'bout me!  And if they are?? Why on earth are they thinking about ME????

I have to freaking live my life.

I lived under the psychopath's thumb for years.  In many ways, it got worse when I left.  I lived with the  constant stress and fear of losing my children.  How on earth can that be good for anyone?  A man who loved me, and who loved his children, would NEVER UNDERMINE MY VERY LIFE.  But, that's what has happened.

So, what to do about it?

Ignore the cord that connects me and my children?

Live with the ache?

Mourn the loss of all of it?

Don't tell me it will get better.  It won't.  I've done it for too long, I've done all the right things to soothe the ache.  It's a horrible condition.

I think that living with some abandon is my latest answer. Love the kids, love myself, and live with freedom.  And, live with the loss while mourning what could have been.

Such Complexity.

Thanks for reading.

Do you relate?

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

I want to be more like this woman.  Doing yoga.  Being focused and strong and amazing.   She inspires me.