Monday, January 4, 2016

Moving On

One of my new year resolutions for 2016 is to move on.  Move on from the NSP.  Exorcise the thoughts of the NSP that take up space in my brain.  Exorcise the negative opinions of myself that he planted in me.

So, I will share that journey.

In that vein, I will share some of the work I have already done to recover from the years of toxic exposure to the NSP.   Up to this point, I have mostly shared about custody and the related communication issues, but this blog is about recovery too.

**I deserve to live on planet earth**

I notice that one challenge of recovering from psychopathic abuse is that it is buried deep.  The abuse began with subtlety, and then it grew to monstrous proportions.

The monstrosities can be easy to see.  Loud anger.  Racing heart.  Anxiety.  Fear.  All that big scary stuff in the early stages of leaving the abuser.  It is easy to spot.

I have heard that recovery time is EQUAL to the amount of time one was in the relationship.  Maybe that is true, maybe not.  But I can say that in my personal experience, that time table looks accurate.  The ratio is 1:1.  If one was involved in the relationship for 3 years, then expect 3 years to recover.

I am a little more than half way through my recovery.

When I first heard this recovery estimate, I felt defeated.  I was involved with the NSP for about a decade!  Time was going to march on without me, or all over me!  I was going to be left behind.  A life wasted!

Now I feel like It Is What It Is, and I am grateful to "know" that someday I will be recovered.

That cliche about being made stronger in the broken places - I like that one.

About a year ago, about half way through my recovery, I noticed that I didn't feel like I deserved to be on the planet.  What the....?


My involvement with a NSP, and the subsequent destruction of so much that I held most dear, left me with a feeling that I didn't deserve to BE here on the ever-loving planet.

That's just not right.

But it is the truth.  I felt that way, and it was buried deep.   I hadn't noticed that the feeling was in me.

Telling myself "You deserve to live on planet earth" and "You deserve to be here" made a huge difference in my life.    I would walk around breathing deeply, telling myself in my head "You deserve to be on the planet."  I found it very calming.  It was a practice that I invented for myself.  I don't think I read it anywhere.  I don't think I told anyone about it.

Psychopathic abuse comes with shame.  Many people cannot relate to what the abused person has gone through.  The psychopath does not behave normally.  Most people cannot understand. Trying to explain it to people who could not relate....a very shame-filled experience.

If I were to tell someone that I didn't feel like I deserved to live on planet earth, I expect that person would think I had some sort of mental illness.  I am not mentally ill.  I lived with a psychopath in the most intimate of relationships: Marriage and Children.  I was psychologically pummeled by a psychopath whose main goal was to destroy me and control me.  I was open and vulnerable AND THOSE TRAITS ARE GOOD in an intimate relationship with a beloved.

Openness and vulnerability ARE HORRIBLE WAYS TO BE when dealing with a personality disordered partner.

I don't know why I didn't feel like I deserved to be on planet earth, but I am pretty certain that it was the result of the abuse. It was buried so far down that I couldn't even see that it was operating on me.

I am grateful to report that I can move around in public venues where I am visible, and I feel confident.  I can enter a situation that is justifiably intimidating and do very well.  I can feel like I belong in a new environment, simply because I am a member of humanity.  Why shouldn't I belong?

**Next Steps**

I have some distance to go.  I have lost too much of the courage that I used to have.  I miss the girl I used to be.  I miss her.  I'd like to collect the parts of me that I lost along the way.

The part of me that:
shared openly, had an open heart
had lots of hope for the future
was willing to try
was more carefree
smiled and laughed more
believed it was going to work out for the best

Thanks for reading.

I love hearing from you.

- AKA Rose Lee Mitchell