Thursday, March 26, 2015

The Art of Passive Aggression, Part One

Ahhh.  Passive Aggression.  One of the NSP's (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath) favorite tools.  He uses it, so I use it too.  I must be passive aggressive in order to navigate the treacherous relationship we have: the forced-to-because-we-have-children-together relationship.  It's an extremely Low-Contact relationship that I am required to have with a psychopath.

Why must I employ Passive Aggressive techniques to deal with the NSP?  Boundaries.  He has no care for boundaries.  In fact, he relishes opportunities to violate boundaries.  Why?  It establishes dominance.  It creates conflict.  It tests the water for future violations (abuse).  It wears the target down.

I have a few options when I (have to) communicate with the NSP.
1.  Routinely establish and restate the boundaries.  (He ignores.)
2.  Deal with the conflict head-on.  (He loves this.)
3.  Be passive aggressive.  (Most effective.)

How does he do Passive Aggression?
1. He "forgets".  Forgetting is so convenient.
2. He was "too busy".  Busy and Forgetting go hand-in-hand.
3. He's "sorry." No he isn't.  He's not "sorry" at all.  He's delighted.  He's laughing.
4. He lies.

See, I'm a straight shot.  I say what I mean.  NSP's love that.  It's so very useful to them.  It's like giving a stalker a map and a key; a map straight to your location and a key to open your door.

My politeness was one of his favorite tools to use against me.  Also, my emotions, my openness and kindness, my forgiveness; these were all weapons he would use in demolishing the solid ground I stood upon.  Next, my anger, disappointment (in him and our life together), my declarations that our relationship was not working out and that I wanted a divorce; these became even better weapons to use in an attempt to destroy me.  WHY would someone go to so much trouble to destroy another?  WHY on earth?  WHY: he is a psychopath, purely and simply.  He enjoyed the process immensely.  It made him feel powerful, in control, omnipotent, God-Like.

I took away his power when I left him; when I said the ultimate "no" by deed and not by word.  Leaving a psychopath makes them really really really really mad.  He lost his toy.

How could he still maintain some control of me?  Through our children.   He fought for custody.  He mistreats them.  He neglects them.  This is where we stand today.

Using The Truth as a weapon,  he'll lie about anything and everything.  Just for sport.  Just because he can.  It played out in the marriage.  It played out in the divorce.  And it plays out now, in shared custody.   He will lie to me.  He will lie to our children.  "I can't" means "I won't."  "I forgot" means "I didn't feel like it."  Questions will be asked of me.  He doesn't really want or need the answer.  He wants to waste my time and engage with me.  He wants attention.

He taught me the Art of Passive Aggression.  It's his currency.  I use Passive Aggression in our dealings.  I don't give him my attention.  I delay my responses.  I give the shortest possible answers.  I ignore.  I ask questions I don't need the answer to, like "What do you mean?" and, "I'm sorry, I don't understand."  I lie and I apologize.  I do what he does.  It is a tool of self defense, and it is 100% necessary.

My clear, concise, well-thought-out responses and communication with an NSP do me no good.  Being honest does me no good.  Being straightforward, accommodating, helpful, and gracious are traits that leave me vulnerable to the disordered person.

In life, with people in general, my tactic is to be who I truly am, EXCEPT with someone who has proved themselves to be a Bully, A Narcissist, a Sociopath.  When I identify a person as having NSP traits, I shut the door.  Oh, man, I shut the door so fast.

By AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

The Art of Passive Aggression, Part Two

When I feel that I must respond, but I want to still avoid the trap he has set, this is how I respond.  

Here are the protocols I use when communicating with the psychopathic father of my children.

1. A Dedicated Mobile Phone, Only For Him.   
2. No Voice Conversations - Texts Only.  
3. A Dedicated Email Account, Only For Him. 
4. Texts Instead of Email Whenever Possible.  
5. Reduce Face-To-Face Contact To Nearly Zero.  
6. Delay. a.k.a. The 24hr Rule.

by Daniela Vladimirova 
"Shut Up, take 2"
Used under Creative Commons license

Here is some interesting further reading about Passive Aggression and the Personality Disordered Person (Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath)


  1. I love your blog. I love your candid writing. I feel less alone when I read stuff like this. I too often feel like I must be manipulative to deal with my ex-narc who has psychopathic traits (but the narc "I'm such a good citizen and need to lovebomb and show off" seems to temper the outward displays of the dark side). It's either play or get's survival. Different rules of engagement for different people. Unfortunately family court and related professionals are still mostly out to lunch about cluster B Personality Disordered people who are making a game of playing puppets with judges across the country. Blogs like this are needed to flood the internet to the point where maybe, just maybe someone will start to pay attention to the billions of dollars NPD/BPD/Psychopathy are costing taxpayers and the economy d/t their favourite "game" called Vexatious Litigation...or something like that...

    1. Thank you so much.

      I would scour the internet looking for insight, trying to feel less alone, trying to figure out how to deal with the horrible mess I was strapped into. So, that is why I share my thoughts. I am so glad to hear that it helps you.

      :) Be Well.

  2. Amazingly accurate. Thank you for your insight and sharing it.

  3. OMG, i feel like you just wrote down my experience! Isn't it uncanny how predictable they all are - we (the victims) are in different parts of the world and all receive the exact same treatment from these NSPs. Great blog!