Thursday, November 10, 2016

Our Country Just Married the Abuser

After dating him for months, learning who he really is, witnessing his abuses past and present, Our Country Married The ABUSER.

He didn't even wear a mask most of the time.  He showed us his true self.  And he was exposed.

But enough of America wanted him anyway.

Plenty of people said he is clearly a narcissist.  Some said he is obviously a sociopath.  And some (very quietly) called him an outright Psychopath.

In my real life, my friends, who did not vote for him, feel sickened and outraged.   They are mostly in absolute shock.  Some are rising up into activism.  Many are falling into hopefulness and prayers that 'everything will be alright'.

In my real life, my now ex-friends who voted for him (I can no longer call them friends), are busy spreading their special forms of magical thinking.  That he has some good in him, and that it will be alright.  These women who voted for him: are engaged in abusive relationships with men.  Totally dominated by her man because of her religion.  Controlled in every aspect of her life.  Dreaming of a someday when it is all going to turn out.

No.  It won't.  It will never 'turn out' with the abuser.  You will either escape the abuser and go no contact, or you will endure and hopefully survive the relationship.  

Those of us who have lived it, in our real life marriages, we see it.  We see the dreamy hopefulness and the way the blinders are on.  We shake our heads.  We are, like, WTF?

The men who voted for him?  Well, clearly, they LIKE the misogyny, the domination and the abuse.

He showed everyone exactly who he is.  America married him anyway.

If I was married to a Trump supporter, I would get a divorce immediately.  No joke.

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Yes, You Are Trapped by the Psychopath

(I wrote this in response to a reader's comment on a recent post.    I am sorry it is a huge downer.  But, it is my truth, as I have lived it.  Those of you who are in a relationship or marriage with a psychopath AND WHO DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN with the psychopath --- you are lucky!  YOU ARE NOT TRAPPED.  Leave.  Leave now.  Go no contact.  If you are PREGNANT, and early in the pregnancy, it is my opinion that you should ABORT the pregnancy immediately and get away from the psychopath immediately.)

Unfortunately, dealing with a NSP requires a lot of STRATEGY.

When we are in the midst of interacting with judges (actual judges in a court setting - or any type of judge, in the form of mediators, custody evaluators, social workers, pediatricians, etc), we have to participate in a way that we might not otherwise bother - since it's a waste of our time.  There is too much 'secret code' conversation coming from the abuser, and only we can see it.  There is too much nonsense to filter through.  Too many lies to defend ourselves from.  Too much to explain, correct, etc.  You know.

And, when the NSP is highly intelligent, highly 'respected/respectable', the NSP will always win.  Always.  Somehow the lies (told by the NSP) are more compelling than the truth (told by the target).

I personally keep one eye on some future where 'someone' might review my communication with the NSP, but mostly, I have learned that NOBODY GIVES A SH-T about me, the NSP, or our children.  As mothers, we like to think that there will be some Savior who Gets It and Helps Us and Our Children, who Delivers Us From This Tragic Union With The Psychopath.  I have never ever found this to be the case (with the exception of some friends - who hold zero power to effect change in the situation).  Most people are just trying to get through the day, get their paycheck and get home to their jammies/pets/wine/netflix.   This goes for Lawyers, Judges, Social Workers, Therapists, Teachers, Pediatricians.

I have slowly learned that nobody gives a crap.  They may have some compassion for us, a listening ear, but no change will come of it.  Kindness and Prayer will keep us afloat.  Reading websites (like this one) will help us navigate the strange path we wander -- I read websites like this VORACIOUSLY before and during and after leaving the NSP, desperate for some sort of sense-making.  No meaningful outward change, like a custody evaluation that rights the wrong, has ever come.  No therapist has ever made any concrete improvement in my life or my childrens' lives.  We soldier on, victim to the psychopath's whim and treachery.  Too dramatic, you say?  No.  Not too dramatic.  Accurate.  If you have lived it, you know.


I wasted so many years of my life SPINNING from the psychopath influence in my life.  I wish I could say that I have stopped SPINNING.  But I have not.  I do my best, but my life is still dominated by him, and in many ways - destroyed - by my inability to escape him BECAUSE HE IS THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN.

I don't waste much time or energy on documentation, or tending to the nonsense waste of communication word salad cognitive dissonant bs that the NSP serves up.  Mostly I blatantly ignore.

Also, my 'fight for what is right for the kids' never ever panned out.  The NSP is living the dream life as the Great White Male who does no wrong.  A lot like Donald Trump.  He can be the most repulsive offensive asshat in the universe, but he prevails because of privilege.  Who am I?  I am only The Mother, The Woman.

I am sorry that this is a downer.  But IT IS THE TRUTH that I have experienced thus far, in my long and wasted fight...

Keep up your fight if you have it in you, if you are compelled, if your gut tells you to fight.  Do that.  Your circumstance may require it.  I felt required and compelled when my kids were much younger than they are now, when they were more vulnerable, when I was less experienced in the ways of the legal system and the ways of the world.

Yes, you feel trapped.  I feel trapped.  I believe we absolutely are trapped.  And we have to do the best we can in our circumstance.

When You Shine

When You Shine you give off a beacon of light.

You dazzle.

Joy radiates from you as share your gift, skill, grace, passion, expertise.

Whatever it is that you do, when you do it well, with full authenticity, with unabashed dignity, You Shine.


Your shining moment, your dazzling light, is a beacon for the NSP.

The NSP simultaneously loves and hates your light, your fortune, your ability, your success.

The NSP wants to consume it, devour you, destroy you.  Be ready.


If you do not know the concept of "Grey Rock", google it.  It is a strategy to avoid the abuse of the NSP.  It works.

Grey Rock works, but it costs you your life.

It gives you a certain freedom, but it is not a long-term strategy, as "Grey Rock" is its own prison.

"Grey Rock" is not a place to LIVE, it is only a place to VISIT.


Look to Hillary Clinton for her how-to-live as a Shining Star in a world of NSP haters, who constantly try to destroy her.  Watch how she has lived to prevail.  Watch how she focuses on What Matters.

She is my Hero.


The NSP comes after me whenever I shine.

The NSP inserts himself into my world, however he is able.  Now that we are divorced, and my boundary walls are so fortified, he usually can only stand on the sidelines, and attempt to distract me by his presence.  (Imagine me a coach for a college sports team.  The NSP sitting right there, in my sightline.  Like that.  Good times.)  It's actually laughable.

The NSP does this the first time, and it rattles me a bit.  But I persist.  I prevail.

The NSP does this the second time, and I have experience handling his nonsense.  So, his attempt is thwarted simply because it isn't a novel approach.

The NSP does this the third time, and I'm annoyed, but LAUGHING at the nonsense.  I talk to God.  "Really, God???? Really???? Is this what it's going to take for me to be AWESOME????"    God Answers, "Yes.  Toughen up.  The world is hard place.  You must be strong to do all that you want to do."  I think, "Okay God.  I'll do what it takes."


The NSP comes after me whenever I shine.  So be it.


First Comes the Flattery.  Next Comes the Threat.


Be Well,


AKA Rose Lee Mitchell