Reader Response: I Have Stopped Fighting

This post is a reader comment, in response to Yes, You Are Trapped By The Psychopath 

https://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2016/11/yes-you-are-trapped-by-psychopath.html

It is a perfect example of what we have to deal with.  

Her experience and strategy is so similar to mine.  

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.  

- AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

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AnonymousNovember 6, 2016 at 10:31 AM

I have not commented in a while but I have been reading! I agree with you 100%. The court does NOT care, nor do the lawyers, mediators, etc. I stopped writing down every time he violated the judgement because I realized that no one cares! I tracked his violations during the court proceeding. We put all his errors into a nice little easy to read spreadsheet. The judge didn't care. His attorney would rant and rave, he would look like a scared sheep and the judge would give him MORE.

The only women, and I don't mean to be gender specific but I haven't seen a man do this, the only women that are even slightly successful are the ones that represent themselves. Maybe it's because they are willing to fight harder. But the toll that I've seen it take on them is immeasurable. The years continue to roll by. Their former spouses go on with their material goods and new girlfriends, insist on the custody schedule and cause problems whenever and wherever they can, and don't give a dime more than is taken from their paychecks. While the women are going to court to try and get a hospital bill paid, and they are battling his lawyer because he'd rather pay a lawyer than hand over another penny.

I have personally reached the conclusion that the best we can do is to monitor our children, give guidance and support when we can, and live a parallel parenting lifestyle as much as possible. Of course it isn't completely possible as the judgement makes sure of that.

So what can we do? Your posts about ignoring, isolating, letting go have been tremendously helpful to me. For the most part, I have stopped fighting. I do enforce my boundaries with him. I isolate his intrusion into my life and my children's as much as possible, but I still get triggered. There is still the tiniest part of me that wants to believe the fantasy could have been real, but the realist knows that even the minuscule good times were manipulations for the evil side of his nature. So I limit the chances he has to set me up for the "aha! I got you!!" moments that they thrive on. I still slip, but not often anymore.

I have been dealing with family court and lawyers for 6 years. I've been out of court for a couple, but never completely out because you never know when you'll have to return at their bidding, or possibly your own. I have friends who think I should return now. I say no. I say no because I can't go there. I haven't recovered from the first rounds, and I am slowly, oh so slowly, taking back my life.

If you have children, there are only two documents needed to divorce. One about custody and one about finances. The court and the lawyers drag this process out a long, long time when they realize one of the spouses is high conflict. Why? Because they can, and because it's more money for them.

I feel trapped by the schedule, and by my job that I'd like to leave but can't. I feel trapped by his endless games with the schedule, and by the way that every date I've had since them has to be run through my red flag radar. I think having a good relationship would help, but I haven't been able to go there. I am trapped. However, I am slowly, and I see this happening at a snail's pace, crawling my way out of his abyss. I am slowly rebuilding my life, my social network, and forging a strong relationship as a parent. In the end, I want to be trapped by nothing more than the schedule, because really, as we all know, that's hard enough.

Thanks for writing. It helps to know I'm not alone.

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Our Country Just Married the Abuser

After dating him for months, learning who he really is, witnessing his abuses past and present, Our Country Married The ABUSER.

He didn't even wear a mask most of the time.  He showed us his true self.  And he was exposed.

But enough of America wanted him anyway.

Plenty of people said he is clearly a narcissist.  Some said he is obviously a sociopath.  And some (very quietly) called him an outright Psychopath.

In my real life, my friends, who did not vote for him, feel sickened and outraged.   They are mostly in absolute shock.  Some are rising up into activism.  Many are falling into hopefulness and prayers that 'everything will be alright'.

In my real life, my now ex-friends who voted for him (I can no longer call them friends), are busy spreading their special forms of magical thinking.  That he has some good in him, and that it will be alright.  These women who voted for him: are engaged in abusive relationships with men.  Totally dominated by her man because of her religion.  Controlled in every aspect of her life.  Dreaming of a someday when it is all going to turn out.

No.  It won't.  It will never 'turn out' with the abuser.  You will either escape the abuser and go no contact, or you will endure and hopefully survive the relationship.  

Those of us who have lived it, in our real life marriages, we see it.  We see the dreamy hopefulness and the way the blinders are on.  We shake our heads.  We are, like, WTF?

The men who voted for him?  Well, clearly, they LIKE the misogyny, the domination and the abuse.

He showed everyone exactly who he is.  America married him anyway.

If I was married to a Trump supporter, I would get a divorce immediately.  No joke.


AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

The Psychopath's Holiday Parade of Woe and Nonsense

It's the holiday season.  The NSP (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath) is going to act crazy.  Get ready.

Why must we deal with such nonsense?  Why?  Why?  Why?

I have no answer.

I know that the NSP in my family of origin acted out during the holidays. I know that my children's father will be doing his annual crazy dance during the most wonderful time of the year.

For him, the crazy season begins with Thanksgiving.  It ends after New Years Day.  Every other holiday, birthday and major family event will also be ruined.  Any time I had anything special or significant happening in my life, he'd be sure to screw that up too.

My last memory of the last special event he sabotaged was a job I had scheduled for out of town.  That was the last time I booked an out of town job while we were married.  I had learned the pattern.  Why bother trying to do anything while being married to him?

The last Christmas he ruined was the Christmas before I left him.  I was feeling suicidal for about 15 minutes while reeling from his non-stop verbal attacks and his screaming hysteria that would last for hours.  I sat on my bed and thought about how I didn't want to live.  This turned out to be a fine moment in my life.  It was that moment that it occurred to me:

I had a good life before him.  
Logically, I could have a good life after him.
So, I should leave him.
I should get a divorce.

That was the moment I started my plan of escape.  I opened a new credit card account; I had a good reason to justify it - I could save money on purchases with the card discount.  I got a new mobile phone with a new carrier so that the account was in my name only, and he couldn't cancel it; I had a good justification for that too.  My plans went on and on, and I eventually escaped.

I spent many ruined holidays with my psychopathic husband.  I could generally keep my head above water.  I remember throwing a great holiday party even though he had been throwing a fit for days, and I had shed many tears.  Our house looked beautiful, the food was wonderful, I looked put together and happy, my kids were darling.  But I was living in a hell.

Mr. PsychoMan still tries to ruin the holidays for me, even though we are divorced.  He attempts a lot of contact.  He needs a dog to kick.  He creates nonsense dramas which I have become increasingly good at avoiding. Even so, he still likes to waste my time, or try to.

Wasting our time is one of the NSP's greatest joys.  He needs all that attention.  Wheel spinning.  Drama.  Circular argument.

Time passes, I grow wiser,  my children grow older and more independent,  I heal from the exposure of having been in an "intimate relationship" with a psychopath.

Someday my kids will be all grown up, and I will be completely free of the custody coordination drama nonsense.  It will be over.  I do not wish my children's childhood away, but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel, and the other side of it is complete freedom from the psychopath.

















It's the first week of December and I have my seatbelt fastened.  We've already experienced plenty of psychopathic sabotage this holiday season.  We are three weeks into it.  Lots of crazy email nonsense.  Attempts to pull me into arguments.  Sabotage of the children.  Inappropriate face to face contact with me.  On and on.

At this point, I am a freaking expert at the NSP Holiday Parade of Woe and Nonsense.  I can hardly care about it.  But more is to come.  I am ready.

And if you, who are reading this, are in the throws of personality disordered drama and nonsense, I wish you the very best.  I hope that you find a way to remove yourself from the situation as soon as you possibly can.

Be well, people,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell


Do you have a story of Holiday Woe and Nonsense that you would like to share?
Feel free to leave it in a comment below.


Image Credits:
Creative Commons license
Found on Flickr
Dancing Reindeer by Carlos "A Christmas Fantasy Parade Reindeer"
Toy Soldiers by Anna Fox "A Christmas Fantasy Parade"

Gray Rock

I have stopped being a gray rock.

For a long time post-divorce, I practiced the Gray Rock Method, in order to protect myself from the NSP (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath).  It couldn't continue forever, because I have to live my life.  I became strong enough to risk it.   I took some baby steps, and had some public success.  It felt good to feel like myself again.  It is an important part of recovery.  I look forward to being fully myself again.

There has been backlash.

Since the NSP has so very little contact with me, he attacked me with character assassination.  He used my children as his punching bag.   When he has abused my children in the past, it would destroy me for days.  The most recent attack took me down for about a day.  It is progress.  (Looking on the bright side, noticing my progress: keeps me emotionally healthy.)

The NSP's goal was to destroy me emotionally and physically.  He aimed to destroy my health, my beauty, my finances, my career, my hopes, my relationships.   When I met him, I was bright and shiny.  I was open and courageous.  I shared myself with him.  He was such a wonderful, kind man.  I thought we would have a good life together.

I am so glad I escaped.

I still am rebuilding the life he tried so hard to destroy.

I can not go through my life pretending to be a Grey Rock, because I AM BRIGHT AND SHINY.   Hiding my beauty and ability and happiness serves No One.  My children need to see their mother happy; I am told this again and again by so many people.

I took off my Grey Rock disguise and lived my life.  It was FUN!!!!


---


I am referencing Skylar's article

"The Gray Rock method of dealing with psychopaths" 

to explain WHY the NSP went on the emotional warpath with me.

"when you leave a psychopath, he becomes determined to punish you even more severely for thinking you could be autonomous."

Yes.  I am autonomous.  He hears from my children about my success.  He must retaliate.   His idea that I am so broken and incapable has been proven false.  He is enraged.  He must lash out.  

"So, how do we escape this parasitical leech without triggering his vindictive rage? "

I think the Grey Rock Method is brilliant.  But it is not a life choice that I can continue long term.  And I don't think she intended it to be.  I think I will just have to learn to live with the vindictive rage from the NSP, because hiding under a Grey Rock is not how I want to live my life.  It's not worth it.  My children will learn that their father has a problem BASED ON HIS BEHAVIOR.  He can badmouth me non-stop.  At some point our children will grow accustomed to it.  Nobody can control the NSP.  

"Drama is a psychopath’s remedy for boredom. For drama, they need an audience and some players"

I think I need to teach my children, that when Daddy goes on the emotional warpath, badmouthing mommy: GREY ROCK. Don't fight, don't argue, don't show emotion.  Respond the way you would respond to a bully on the playground.  

"A psychopath is an addict. He is addicted to power. His power is acquired by gaining access to our emotions. "

I don't respond to his nonsense.  I know better.  There is no reason to write him an email, confronting him about the emotional abuse to which he is subjecting our children.  He wants a drama.  He wants a fight.   I won't give it to him.  I need to teach my children to do the same.  

"He envies everything pretty, shiny and sparkly that you have and he wants whatever you value."

Yes he does.  I value my children above anything.  And they LOVE their mother.  The NSP wants to destroy our bond.  

----

Be well,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell


Photograph 
by eric lynch 
"peacock 18 "
Used under Creative Commons license

Fighting a Psychopath for Child Custody

A reader named Veronica is in the middle of a custody fight with an NSP.   Her struggle sounds so similar to what I lived through.  Here are my thoughts about her post.

Dear Veronica,

I can not offer you any Advice.  I do not know you.  I am not a counselor or a lawyer.  But, what I can do is reply to your post/questions in the following way:  Your story, struggle, worry, etc is all so familiar to me – from both my personal experience and also the stories I have heard from others (in Real Life and Online).  I will address your comments by sharing my personal experiences and thoughts. 

VERONICA:  His emails upset me so much but people can't read them like I can.

RLM: In my situation, the NSP’s emails are mostly written in a code of politeness. One thing the NSP continues to do (as he did in our marriage and divorce) is to REWRITE HISTORY.  He cannot (does not) keep track of his lies/stories, so I have Conflicting Versions of Reality in HIS EMAILS TO ME.   I do not bring this to his attention.  I do not argue.  It is a trap.  I ignore it. 

VERONICA:  His are exactly as you said--the implied threat. My threats are like the other gal who commented--more subtle and covert--like everything else with this SOB.

RLM:  In response to the implied threat, the overt threat, the covert threat --- I choose to IGNORE.  He wants a fight.  I give him no fight.  This was particularly hard for me to do when we were ACTIVELY FIGHTING WITH LAWYERS BETWEEN US, and when custody and child-support were not yet settled.  But I also didn’t have the skill set yet developed to appropriately deal with a Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath.  My experience has taught me to not respond. 

VERONICA:  But he has me to a point where I cannot read my own emails—

RLM:  I would have an anxiety mini-attack/moment whenever I had to open my email account, because: would an awful email from him be there, waiting?  It was like he could reach through the internet and grab me, shout at me, etc.  I was advised by Experienced Women to sequester his emails to an account especially for him.  I have a post that addresses this issue in detail.  +LINK+

VERONICA:  then he takes me to court and said that I am not working together with him to provide the best care for my kids!! He is winning the war on winning people over. :( He used the "I only want my kids to be cared for and safe".

RLM:  The NSP used this line on me also, and anyone willing to listen.  “wanting what is best for the children”  “in the children’s best interest”   In time, however, his argument has become thin.  I find that most people don’t give a damn about my personal struggle with my ex-husband.  It is my burden.  Other people have their own burdens.  The court system is dealing with the types of abuse and neglect that makes my middle-class problems look ideal.  This is what I have come to learn after many years of struggle. 

VERONICA:  Then he set about showing that I was mentally unbalanced!! Then he got a professional to say that I what poor judgment.

RLM:  There are so many versions of this abuse.  The crazy ex-wife.  The mentally ill woman.  Women refuse to be controlled, refuse to endure the abuse any longer, fight back, are driven crazy by the crazy maker.  It is a tactic of the abuser to say that the target is mentally ill.  Some abusers are better at perpetrating this crime than others.  Plenty of professionals are taken in by the NSP, especially when the NSP is smart, educated, successful. 

VERONICA:  Then he parlayed that into a judge taking legal custody away from me--after the narcopath lied about me in court. Now he has all kinds of "evidence" that I am a bad mom and that I am damaging to my kids. Now he uses this evidence that he manufactured by parlaying bulshit into reality. Now he is seeking full custody because of those lies nd because the kids hate him--also MY fault.

RLM:  This is tragic.  I am sorry.  I have seen this in real life with women who were married to high functioning, brilliant and successful NSPs.  One woman who I know personally and in real life, had been a full-time stay at home mother.  The kind of mother who volunteers at the school constantly, who packs beautiful organic lunches, who makes sure her children are beautifully dressed.  This mother looked like an angel, she was kind and engaged, and her children were happy and healthy and smart.  Clearly, nothing was wrong.  Her highly successful and constantly working NSP-husband orchestrated the divorce process to paint her as mentally unwell and unfit to parent.  He extracted all sorts of WORK from her to benefit his lifestyle just before the divorce was sprung on her, and then he kicked her to the curb.  He got full custody of the children.  He did this by getting an expensive, experienced and cut-throat lawyer.  She got a moderate and less-experienced lawyer who apparently did not know how to go to battle for her.  The NSP and his lawyer intimidated her until she acquiesced.  The NSP still works unreasonable hours, and A NANNY cares for her children.  But, I can tell you, that this woman has made incredible good out of her life, and several years later, she is living her dream in business, and has an amazing house.  And every time I see her in real life, she is happy.  The kind of happy that oozes out of her pores.  She is an example of how to thrive.  So, yes, horrible things happen, and we can rebound from them. 

VERONICA:  Either I have one of the most cunning narcopaths ever--or I am the stupidest person ever because I have somehow gotten completely destroyed by him--money, reputation, house, credit, life, and now kids are the last to be taken from me totally.

RLM:  You may have one of the most cunning narcopaths ever.  I don’t think it is our stupidity that gets us conned.  I think it is a result of a good heart, a lack of training in the realities of the world, and in my case: being primed for abuse by a parent…  Another story for another day (or year, or decade). 

Veronica:  Can't seem to ever fight back as he is a million steps ahead of me

RLM:  I find that fighting back was, and is, pointless.  Because, yes, the NSP is always too far ahead, and too practiced in evil.  He has had years of experience in being a disordered, lying, cheating Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath.  I found (and find) that it is better to avoid and ignore than to engage.  The NSP THRIVES on the nonsense.  The nonsense makes me Literally Ill.  During my custody fight, I held on for dear life.  I still didn’t get what was best for my children, or for me, but I did the best I could.  It has been, in so many ways, consuming and intolerable.  But, I have had to tolerate the situation, as my children have also had to tolerate.  It is hard on us.   During the acute stage of custody fighting, I found that holding my ground was my best defense (looking back). 

Veronica:  They will never survive the onslaught of boundary issues and gas lighting that they will encounter. How do I stop this and how do I save them???

RLM:  I felt similarly.  I worried similarly.  I can say that my children HAVE survived, so far.  They have suffered, but they are ok.   Many people told me that my children would be okay, as long as they had me in their lives.  I didn’t believe this for the longest time.  I worried so much about their health, well-being, safety…  They are ok, and I finally believe that they will be okay.  Because. They. Have. Me.   For so many years, the NSP made me feel as if I was of no consequence.  And then, after I left, I felt so desperate and scared.  For myself.  And for my children.  Time has passed, and I can see areas where my children would be happier and stronger and more successful if the NSP had less power and influence over their lives.  Yes.  It is true.  But it is what it is.  This is what we have.  This is the culture that we currently live in.  And we do the best we can do.  And, someone who I trust, who has tons of experience, and who knows me and my children TOLD ME THAT MY KIDS WOULD BE OKAY BECAUSE THEY HAVE ME.  And because of this, I feel much more peace. 

Veronica:  I have has 6 attorneys and NONE of them got what he was doing and all were "won" over to his side with something that nobody will share with me. When I meet them--the yare all abou t me getting justice. Buy the time they have talked with or met his attorney--the yare telling me that I am lucky if I would get custody in a trail..... All I have done--ever--was love and care for my boys. However---he has done something to my name that just completely helps him get whatever he wasn't. I have been"set up" with co-parenting classes that HIS attorney picked and now "family therapy" that the coparenting attorney and his attorney picked. I smell the same set-up I smelled when his attorney got to pick th psychologist.!!! They are only meeting wit hme and the boys which at first I thought was a good thing. Now I realize it is to say what he accuses me of--tht I smother, tell them too much, rely on them for emotional support..... None of ha tis true but so ealily provable with a few well placed questions. My son told the therapist tha he helps by hugging me when Icry. That is normal for a boy t odo and I just lose my young nephew and ws crying a lot--but didn't react fast enough in the sessin to say that was why I was crying so they implied thatI am suing him and trying to put him in the "mans role " of the house!!! I am supposedly the one who also treats them like babies--so which his it, right?? Why can't a mom get a hug from her son when he sees her crying an why isn't seen as a good thing-- I have taught them empathy.

They don't ask how often that happens or why that happened--the only tape the sessions and make me feel like I am about to be executed. Really they make me feel like I have been a bad mom and that I will lose custody because of this. He gets off on keeping me in this state of panic.My first nightmare came true--they believe hm all the time. Then I lost 50% custody. Now he is shooting for the rest of the pie. The 50% custody I have and the house and the money and the lack of debt to him.... I have failed miserably to protect my children and made every mistake that I could. I am the poster child for how NOT to deal with a narcopath. My children will suffer. I am out of ideas and options. I was stupid. I lost it for me and now for them. :(

RLM:  I have felt that the professionals involved in our situation often sided with the NSP.  His credentials and professional (psychopathic) demeanor often won them over.    This caused me great pain and worry.  I held on for dear life, and held my breath, and prayed and worried.  I shook internally for years.  I made lots of mistakes that cost me dearly.  I fought too hard at times, during the divorce.  I was weary of professionals who bought his nonsense and labeled me incorrectly, who didn’t listen, and didn’t notice, and ultimately didn’t care.  But I did find a few professionals who did care, who did give good advice, and who ultimately did the best they could. 

I wish you the best of luck. 

Be well,

A.K.A. Rose Lee Mitchell


---

Veronica posted a response at
http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2013/03/anatomy-of-overt-email-threat.html

The Art of Passive Aggression, Part Two

It takes effort and energy for me to handle any interaction with the NSP.  I am not a slick and smooth operator, who handles the psychopath with a wry smile of confidence, and a deep breath of satisfaction.  No.  When I ignore the NSP, it takes effort and energy; I don't like it.  It takes self-control to avoid responding when he baits me.   I often have to resist checking email from him, which is why I have protocols in place, which can be read here.

The Narcissist's Game 

The NSP (Narcissistic/Sociopathic/Psychopathic) father of my children tries to engage me with his  nonsense games.   He pushes and violates boundaries.  It is subtle to the unknowledgeable observer, but I know the deal.    He wants to time-waste.  He wants to bend me over backwards.  The contact is via email, of course, since I will not see him in person or talk on the phone. Oftentimes, I can simply ignore him.   Sometimes, due to shared custody, I must play his silly game.

Recently, he accused me of not being responsive to him in the coordination of activities for our children (a big no-no in shared custody).  He demanded that I respond to his goodhearted, earnest and lovingly fatherly awesomeness 'for the sake of the children' (always that ploy).  He asked me some weird, inappropriate questions, all dumped into an overly lengthy, wordy, pompous email.  It was purely a trap to engage me in some narcissistic, mind-numbing, nonsense.

This particular matter has been lingering for the unimaginable length of nearly a year, which is totally-completely-100% unreasonable.   In fact, the matter was closed and settled for weeks, because I shut the nonsense down!  (I had let it go on longer than normal as a sort of experiment.)  

He's insane.  He is a Psychopath.  If he were sane, normal, decent, kind, and reasonable, the issue would have been easily settled in one month, maximum.  It would have been a month of easy, languid emails.  We could have been flexible!  What works for you? What works for me?  Let's work together!  Yay!

If the guy was sane, normal, kind and reasonable We Would Still Be Married!  He's not; And we're not.  So, in order to get his rocks off, and get some narcissist attention, he attempts to engage me, and make a relatively simple situation, utterly complicated.

On the Horns of a Dilemma.

In this situation, I have two options, neither of which work for me.

Option 1: Bend to his (ever changing) will.  Do what he demands.  This doesn't work, because I am constantly jumping through hoops, just like the marriage.  I'm out of the marriage.  I don't play that game.  

Option 2: Argue with him.  Reason with him.  Negotiate.  Compromise.  This doesn't work, because then I am caught in the web.  He can accuse me of further nonsense.   He has baited me because he wants to catch me in a trap.  He wants to be able to accuse me of wrong-doing.  He wants to be able to have something in writing that proves to the world that I am bad.  "You See?" he wants to proclaim, "She is a bad mother!  She will not co-parent!"  He wants to wrap me up in his web of craziness.  No thanks. 


The Bottom Line

This is where passive aggressive techniques work wonders with the NSP.

When I feel that I must respond, but I want to still avoid the trap he has set, I respond in the following way:

1. Ignore the Nonsense.  He wants (more than anything) for me to argue with him and defend myself.  I don't.  I won't.  He can't make me.

2.  Assume Nothing.   He's done a lousy job of asking me direct questions on purpose. It's not just laziness on his part, he wants to engage me.  If I fill in the blanks for him, he will assert that I have done it wrong.  (It's such a dumb game.  He's such a passive aggressive a-hole.)

3. Play Dumb.  I know what he wants, I can read between the lines.  He asks me 8 questions, none of which have a yes/no response.   I play dumb, and I ask a benign question like "What do you mean?"

4. Apologize.  I say a meaningless apology like, "I'm sorry.  I'm confused here.  What are you asking me?"

5. Redirect.  I will respond to his lengthy nonsense email via text.   If he writes me 1000 words on a text, that's crazy.  So, I'll respond via text, which sometimes ends it.  Or it will at least delay it.

I can't make him go away.  

I can only slow down the game, and make it no fun for him to play with me.  

I know, I know, all this sh*t is freaking exhausting.  I agree.  Protocols and procedures to interact with an ex-husband?  Seriously?  YES!  He's a freaking disaster, so I respond like a well-trained pilot; I whip out my manual of How To Land The Plan In A Disaster, and I follow the procedure in the manual.

The really hard part is: I have had to WRITE THE FREAKING MANUAL WHILE I'M LANDING THE FREAKING PLANE.  And this is why I feel it's important to share my experience.

Am I exhausted yet? 

Yes, it is exhausting.  But I must deal.  I had the rotten luck of getting conned by a con-artist and I had children with him.

Sometimes it's like a puzzle, an intellectual problem to be solved.  How to deal with the monster?  How to respond to cause myself the least about of trouble?  How to deflect, and sustain the least amount of damage?   Sometimes, it just feels like a whirlpool I am caught in.  A riptide, dragging me out to sea.  I have endured the nonsense for far too many years, and I am worn from it.  I feel war-torn.  Thread-bare.  Like a broken-down house.

Luckily, I have a coach, who walks me through it.  My touchstone and friend, Agnes, wraps her mind around the problem too.  We bounce ideas back and forth, strategize, and laugh together about it  because it can be very very funny.  It's so nice to have someone to share it with, otherwise it would be very isolating.  Also, when I am tempted to engage him in a fight, she will often talk me out of that tree.

Here are some gems that she wrote to me recently:

"Any contact with the man is such a waste of time.  The point is "engagement" -- his endless circular argument.  Time wasting."

and

"Ns are not reasonable. With them, it is the opposite of communication. They do not want settlement,  understanding, or peace. They want strife. It's all about control and destabilizing the victim."

What about you?  

Do you have a technique that works when you you deal with the Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath in your life?

Do you have a coach, or listener, or helper?

Take Care,
and I wish you peace,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

The Art of Passive Aggression, Part One

Why must I employ Passive Aggressive techniques to deal with the NSP?  Boundaries.  He has no care for boundaries.  In fact, he relishes opportunities to violate boundaries.  Why?  It establishes dominance.  It creates conflict.  It tests the water for future violations (abuse).  It wears the target down. 

Photographs by Toni Frissell
Public Doman
"Woman in tennis outfit, 1947"
"Weeki Wachee spring, Florida, 1947"
"Victoria Station"

I write about being silent when the NSP tries to pick a fight in this article "Nothing to Say."

The Art of Passive Aggression, Part One

Ahhh.  Passive Aggression.  One of the NSP's (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath) favorite tools.  He uses it, so I use it too.  I must be passive aggressive in order to navigate the treacherous relationship we have: the forced-to-because-we-have-children-together relationship.  It's an extremely Low-Contact relationship that I am required to have with a psychopath.

Why must I employ Passive Aggressive techniques to deal with the NSP?  Boundaries.  He has no care for boundaries.  In fact, he relishes opportunities to violate boundaries.  Why?  It establishes dominance.  It creates conflict.  It tests the water for future violations (abuse).  It wears the target down.

I have a few options when I (have to) communicate with the NSP.
1.  Routinely establish and restate the boundaries.  (He ignores.)
2.  Deal with the conflict head-on.  (He loves this.)
3.  Be passive aggressive.  (Most effective.)

How does he do Passive Aggression?
1. He "forgets".  Forgetting is so convenient.
2. He was "too busy".  Busy and Forgetting go hand-in-hand.
3. He's "sorry." No he isn't.  He's not "sorry" at all.  He's delighted.  He's laughing.
4. He lies.

See, I'm a straight shot.  I say what I mean.  NSP's love that.  It's so very useful to them.  It's like giving a stalker a map and a key; a map straight to your location and a key to open your door.

My politeness was one of his favorite tools to use against me.  Also, my emotions, my openness and kindness, my forgiveness; these were all weapons he would use in demolishing the solid ground I stood upon.  Next, my anger, disappointment (in him and our life together), my declarations that our relationship was not working out and that I wanted a divorce; these became even better weapons to use in an attempt to destroy me.  WHY would someone go to so much trouble to destroy another?  WHY on earth?  WHY: he is a psychopath, purely and simply.  He enjoyed the process immensely.  It made him feel powerful, in control, omnipotent, God-Like.

I took away his power when I left him; when I said the ultimate "no" by deed and not by word.  Leaving a psychopath makes them really really really really mad.  He lost his toy.

How could he still maintain some control of me?  Through our children.   He fought for custody.  He mistreats them.  He neglects them.  This is where we stand today.

Using The Truth as a weapon,  he'll lie about anything and everything.  Just for sport.  Just because he can.  It played out in the marriage.  It played out in the divorce.  And it plays out now, in shared custody.   He will lie to me.  He will lie to our children.  "I can't" means "I won't."  "I forgot" means "I didn't feel like it."  Questions will be asked of me.  He doesn't really want or need the answer.  He wants to waste my time and engage with me.  He wants attention.

He taught me the Art of Passive Aggression.  It's his currency.  I use Passive Aggression in our dealings.  I don't give him my attention.  I delay my responses.  I give the shortest possible answers.  I ignore.  I ask questions I don't need the answer to, like "What do you mean?" and, "I'm sorry, I don't understand."  I lie and I apologize.  I do what he does.  It is a tool of self defense, and it is 100% necessary.

My clear, concise, well-thought-out responses and communication with an NSP do me no good.  Being honest does me no good.  Being straightforward, accommodating, helpful, and gracious are traits that leave me vulnerable to the disordered person.

In life, with people in general, my tactic is to be who I truly am, EXCEPT with someone who has proved themselves to be a Bully, A Narcissist, a Sociopath.  When I identify a person as having NSP traits, I shut the door.  Oh, man, I shut the door so fast.

By AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

The Art of Passive Aggression, Part Two

When I feel that I must respond, but I want to still avoid the trap he has set, this is how I respond.  


Here are the protocols I use when communicating with the psychopathic father of my children.
http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2015/01/how-do-i-get-along-with.html

1. A Dedicated Mobile Phone, Only For Him.   

2. No Voice Conversations - Texts Only.  

3. A Dedicated Email Account, Only For Him. 

4. Texts Instead of Email Whenever Possible.  

5. Reduce Face-To-Face Contact To Nearly Zero.  

6. Delay. a.k.a. The 24hr Rule.

Photograph 
by Daniela Vladimirova 
"Shut Up, take 2"
Used under Creative Commons license


Here is some interesting further reading about Passive Aggression and the Personality Disordered Person (Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath)

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2005/10/passive-aggressive-personality.html

http://imfindingmyownwings.blogspot.com/2014/03/passive-aggressive-personality-disorder.html

http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=31053.0

How do Narcissists Get so Much? They are Parasites.

Narcissists often seem to possess so much.  People, money, objects.  Narcissists are parasites.  The parasite lives off a host sucking the nutrients.  Rose's last post detailed how her Narcissist sucked the energy out of her; she was used as a servant/slave while he went off to do important stuff (a.k.a. make money).  A successful narcissist is a different breed of cat.  Even the ones with money and success are parasites.

I, too, married a Narcissist.  Mine was perfect on paper: recently divorced, recently moved to our city, hired with tenure to a prestigious university.  

I was swept away and I married him after only knowing him for six months.  We never had an argument in those six months.  Any disagreements we had were resolved amicably.  It was an easy going and companionable relationship.  

The first rumblings started a week before the marriage, but I didn't recognize the symptoms.  Within four weeks of the marriage he showed his true colors.  The cyclical mood swings which characterize the abuser: my Narcissist cycled every 7-10 days with THREE days of silence!  After 2 1/2 years, I left.  I was exhausted.  

He was a parasite.  And, you know, I never really figured that out until after the divorce was finalized, since he was so good was he at hiding his avarice.  He made more money than I did.  We were both well employed professionals.  When he was hired with tenure at his fancy university, they gave him an option on  a university-funded mortgage at exceedingly good interest terms.  At one point when he was house hunting, we talked about buying together.  But, I told him that I had no interest in buying property with a man with whom I was not married.  (Boundary setting.)  Well, he chaffed at that a bit.  He just got divorced after a 20 year relationship.  Yet, I was fully in agreement that it was too soon to get married.  Then he says that he will never marry a woman unless he lived with her.  My attitude was, we'll worry about that in the future.  I think that I handled it well.  The point being is once a Narcissist has his sights set on you, he will lie in wait & string you along.

So, one day he sees this house.  I went too.  I never looked at the house.  I went to the yard & sat down.  A realtor seized on me.  I told her, "I'm a visitor.  I'm not buying."  She scampered away.  After he saw the house, he suggested that we go into the city and have dinner.  Not typical for him.  Always working on his courses & research.  OK.  So we strolled in the city.  Had an expensive meal in a sidewalk café which he paid for.  We strolled around the park & ponds.  All lovely & romantic on a late August afternoon.  On the side of the pond, he proposed to me.  Hmm.  I thought you didn't want to get married?  "Well, I saw the house.  I see us in it.  I want us in it.  I see our future there.  I love you."  I told him I needed to think about it.  Apparently, the next day, he spent almost four hours in the house with a realtor!  He decided he wanted it.  Oh, by the way, I agreed to marry him & buy the house with him.  Within 24 hours, I found that he had made an offer on the house BUT he signed my name to the offer!  I should have walked away then.  He was like, "You were at work.  Time was of the essence."  Huge boundary issue.  Forgery.  But, I overlooked it.  

We bought a house & planned a marriage.  We were married one week before the closing.  Everything was a frenzy.  Did I notice that he did not send wedding invitations to any of his friends from that place he came from?  Yes.  It was far away & short notice & he was busy.  He preferred to send formal announcements after the ceremony.  I realize now, had the sale of the house fallen through, there would have been no marriage.  You see, I was getting married to a man I loved.  Later, I would understand, he got married to buy a house which he could not afford on his own.

At that time, the mortgage market was booming.  But, he couldn't get a second mortgage (to supplement the university mortgage) because he was not a permanent resident alien in the United States.  That's where I came in.  The citizen.  But, in the end, we did not get a second mortgage.  Both he & I ponied up equal amounts of cash with the university mortgage.  Before we went into it, we decided everything would be 50/50.  OK.  After we moved in, all the guy did was WORK.  Work on his job.  Work on the house.  And the money he wanted for all his renovations.  All the time, I was broke.  My checks were spent before they ever walked into the living room.  All the time the emotional upheavals but we never argued about money.  He picked fights every 7-10 days.  My position was to always remain calm & to give him what he wanted to keep him quiet.  

One day, I put my foot down.  He wanted something for the house.  I said, "No.  I cannot afford that.  The thing works fine.  I'm not paying for that."  A day later, he came back.  "I'll pay 67% & you pay 33%.  How's that sound?"  OK.  I paid.  We also had a joint account for the household costs.  Laundry soap, food, etc.  Well, I noticed that he paid for his personal dry cleaning with that debit card.  Also, I noticed that he used it at the drug store to buy his shaving supplies, etc.  Hmm.  But, I said nothing.  Once I destroyed his sweater which he had thrown into the wash.  He made such a scene, I had to buy him a new one.  The next time he put a sweater in the wash, I said:  "At your own peril.  If it is destroyed, I will not replace."  He sent it to the dry cleaner, & I paid 50% for that cleaning.  Hmm.  

About eight months after the catastrophic crash of the stock market & the housing market, I told him I was leaving him.  Three hours later, he came back with a printout from the internet.  He said, "The house is worth 60% of what we paid.  I assure you, I will buy this house from you & take this crash into the calculation.  You made a bad investment."  I still didn't get it.  Anyhow, lucky for me, after he had FOUR appraisals, the house never really lost value.  I lost everything which I invested in renovations; I lost half a car; I paid for his divorce lawyer; he broke my possessions & stole my stuff.  But, I got almost all my equity out.  Still, I didn't get it.  I didn't realize even then that he was a financial parasite.  I thought that he was just a mean & spiteful, malignant narcissist.  We were divorced within 11 months of my leaving him.  It would have taken less time but he dragged it out.  And, in November when we finally signed the separation agreement,  he needed 90 days to raise a mortgage to buy me out.

Well, two months after the divorce, and exactly a year after I left him, I was contacted by a woman.  She had been with him from the day on which I moved out.  (They can never be alone.)  He swept her off her feet.  Loved her.  Wanted to marry her.  She moved into the house after 8 weeks of dating him.  (My stuff was still there because he never let me get it out.)  I would learn, that first month that I was out & she was in, he proposed to her.  He wanted her to buy my share of the house!  She refused.  But, that week, his parents gave him the money in cash to buy me out.  (So much for needing 90 extra days to raise the money--his parents gave him the money some four months prior to the date he signed the separation agreement.)  What she didn't know, but I had e-mails from the same time frame of their first weeks, no bank would give him a mortgage to buy me out.  (After crash.)  He was proposing to her to get her to buy me out.  (He was sending me e-mails to come back to him at the same time he was proposing to her!  Whatever woman was of no difference, just whichever one would help him keep the house!)  She never knew that he was refused mortgages.  (She's the one who told me about all the appraisals.)  She made more money than him; she sold a house for a small fortune; he had her move all her antiques into his tiny house.  Apparently, she paid the taxes on the house but refused to put any money into renovations.  She paid for all their meals out because she earned more than him.  In nine months, she was out $55,000 with him.  And, he wouldn't let her get her antiques.  (Just as he wouldn't let me get my stuff.)  In the end, he stole from her & broke her stuff.  He cleaned out their joint bank account which had $4,000 in it.  He did the same to me but our account had only $400 in it!  

Another  bit I learned, he portrayed me as pathologically secretive.  (A.K.A. boundaries.)  He couldn't live with a woman who was secretive.  He got all the numbers to her bank accounts!  All her expensive jewelry went into a jointly-held, safe deposit box!  He never got around to giving his account numbers.   She paid for all his trips to her house in Florida & to her other place before she sold it.  The two of us realized, "He's a con-artist."  He gets women to subsidize his standard of living.  After that, I contacted the ex-wife.  She told me that she lost a bundle of money in her divorce!  She, too, had made more money than him & he exploited it to the fullest in the end by getting half of the value of the house which a lion's share had come from her originally!  Also, he stole from her a valuable collection of three hundred year old books!  In our house, he had an "office" which covered 25% of the entire floor space of the house!  He had thousands of books.  But, there was this area which displayed a prize collection of three hundred year old books!  The ex-wife let them go rather than dicker with him.  Good riddance. 

In the end, it all came together.  I saw.  Everything was about a house.  The man married me to buy a house which he could not afford.  And, when he divorced me, he was prepared to marry another woman to keep that house.  I subsidized his standard of living.  Oh, and did I mention the taxes?  I am self-employed.  I made clear that I wanted to file independently.  But, he insisted that we file together.  During the marriage, I felt that all I did was pay taxes.  After the divorce, I would learn.  From his pay check, he would have the minimum amount deducted.  At tax time, we would share what more we owed.  Each year of the marriage, I would pay more & more in quarterlies to the IRS hoping upon hope that would cover it.  Never did.  In the end, I learned that I had been paying approximately 60% of his personal income tax on his salary!  Also, paying 50% or more of his personal living expenses.  Within days of him leaving that woman who contacted me, he had a new woman.  Also, very successful.  Eventually, he sold that tiny house which he purchased with me.  Now he lives in a huge place which he bought with the new woman.  Good luck to her!  


By AKA Agnes Parnell



Photo Credit: Nick Kenrick 
"A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams."
Used under Creative Commons License.  Via Flickr.com

Photo Credit: Alvaro Tapia
"Vampire"
Used under Creative Commons License.  Via Flickr.com

The Narcissist's Productivity and Success Comes at Our Expense

Alternate Title:  How does the Narcissist get so much Sh*t Done?

How is he so productive?  So 'successful'?  How does the Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath do it?

How?  HE USES PEOPLE.  He gets sh*t done because he's not the one doing the work.

How does this play out with custody?   Oh, even though we share custody, I am the parent who does most of the work.  That's right.  No shocker there.

Medical, Dental, Vision.  I schedule the appointments, I take the kids to and from, I let the teachers know in advance that the kids will miss, and on and on and on.  Eyeglasses break, and I get them fixed.  Retainers are lost and I get them replaced.  I do at least 95% of the work.  Then, I get to to bill him!  Billing takes time.  He pays a large portion of the expenses, but I have to bill him.  I have to keep track that he actually reimburses me. And then, when he doesn't, I have to re-bill him.  Joy. 

And for all this effort, do I get thanks?   No.  I get criticized.  I get threatened.  I get accused.  He makes demands.  Oh Joy.  

Today, I'm not feeling at all Zen about it.  I'm pissed off.  I'm tired of this sh*t.  I mean, this is NOT what I signed up for when I decided to be a mother.  I expected to be loved and supported and appreciated by my spouse.  Instead, I feel incredibly disappointed and angry.

And, to be sure, he throws in plenty of sabotage.   He knows that neglecting our children's health and hygiene needs will infuriate me.  How does he know this?  Why, because I am a MOTHER.  I am a good, decent, conscientious mother.  I love my children.  I take care of them.  He neglects them in myriad ways, and I put the pieces back together.  

It was like this during the marriage.  Although, I had much more control back then, since he was not around so much, and I had 100 percent custody.   

This is a good time to mention that having 100 percent custody means having zero percent time off.  No time off is a huge bummer.  Shared custody, while not my preference, is not all bad! That will be the subject for another article. 

School Projects are mostly left to me and my time.  (I hate the concept of "my time" and "his time." But, for the sake of this discussion, I will leave it.)  My kids come home with half finished projects, or barely started, or badly done - Due The Next Day.  They had all week, or weekend to do the project.  Typically, they began the project with me.  Or completed half or more, with me.   But they needed to finish it up while with their dad.  They come home tired from staying up late, working on these projects at the last minute.  They have to cram it in at home.  With me.  Last minute.  Stressful.  There are often tears.  There is drama.  (What a waste.  What a shame.  What a childhood.)

School Homework.  Let's not even go there.  Eye roll.  

Parenting.  Even though we share custody.  I feel like I do most of the parenting.  The discipline.  At his house, bad behavior does not reduce privileges.  Excessive allowances are still given and chores are still opportunities to earn more cash.  Sleepovers are still permitted and encouraged, even if the child has been acting inappropriately.  Why?  Well, sleepovers are easier!  Ship the kid off to some other parent to care for. And all the cash given to a child?  Buying love?  Yes, buying love.  

Chores.  I feel like I am the parent who does most, if not all, of the teaching about chores.  I feel like I have taught all the kitchen work, including cooking skills.  I have taught how to clean a bathroom.  How to clean a bedroom.  How to make a list to keep track of what needs to be done.  I spend so much time teaching these skills.  I think he teaches nothing (based on what my children say).  Yet, he reaps the rewards, doesn't he?

Remember, this is an article about how he gets so much sh*t done.  Well, he's getting all that sh*t done because he is ignoring our children.  I KNOW he is ignoring our children because they TELL ME that they are ignored.  He wanted so much custody in order to punish and control me.  He wanted so much custody because he wanted to look good, he wanted to be super-dad.  He wanted so much custody because he felt like it was HIS RIGHT.  Well, okay.  It IS his right.  Good for him!  But is it good for the kids?  No.  Not in this case.  No.  It is not.  So, I raise the kids on way less time than it actually takes to raise kids, and when they are not with me, they are essentially left to their own devices.  

Table Manners.  Oh my GAWD.  Does he teach them table manners?  No!  Was it like this during the marriage?  Yes. Done on purpose to drive me NUTS. 

Hygiene.  OMG.  I am the one who has mostly done the hair cuts.  The teeth brushing?  After I left him, the children got gingivitis.  That's right.  They didn't have to brush with him!  He never checked!  Thankfully, now that they are getting older, this is better.  But, OMG.  On and on I could go!

You get the point.  It takes no time to brush children's teeth, or to do their hair, if you DO NOTHING.  So, he gets a lot done in that time.  Meanwhile, I do EXTRA work making up for the messes that he causes for the kids.  On and on I could go with the messy details.

One can do the math of the time he has saved, not checking those little mouths to make sure the teeth are properly brushed.  15 minutes a day.  Add that up.  

His Harem.  Oh yes, the Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath and his Harem!  When our kids are sick, does he stay home and nurse them back to health?  Heck no!  His harem will do that trick!  The kids are shipped off to some loving woman to do that job!   Harem members help pick out clothes for the kids.  Hats, gloves, shoes, coats, boots.  You name it.   Harem members take kids places and babysit!  How nice!  How nice for him!

Our children would rather be with THEIR MOTHER, but they have learned the hard way to KEEP THAT TO THEMSELVES or there is HELL TO PAY.  Don't make the N/S/P angry.

The harem members help parent.  The harem members help with homework.  The harem members serve as a surrogate mother.   He would explain this by arrogantly saying "It Takes A Village", implying that by using a village, he is the superior parent, and then he would smile that fake psychopathic smile.   My children have actually said to me that they wish their father would just GO AWAY.  That they like being at his house so much better when he is not home.  They prefer the harem.  The harem pays attention to them.  Takes care of them.  Makes sure they go to bed on time.  All that, you know, parenting stuff.

His Minions.  I don't know the depth of this one, but I do know that when we were married, he would align himself with business partners who did the dirty work for him.  A minion did a lot of the work on projects that served him.

Not my problem anymore.

In the marriage, I did a ton of unpaid work for him.  No pay check.  No social security benefit.  Nope.  I just served him.   My effort and energy serviced his goals.  This subject also deserves an article of its own.

Snuggles and Love.  I'll end on a high note.  My purpose as a mother is to love my kids completely with words and deeds.

I was the primary caregiver and primary attachment figure before the marriage. My babies and me, we were like a mama bird and baby birds, snuggled in a nest.  Much love.  Much attention.  Much squawking.  Much squealing.  

After I left.  Aww, Man...Damn.  My baby birds would come home all damaged.  They needed massive mama love to fix them.  They missed me terribly, painfully.  And I missed them.  And we would do EXTRA snuggles.  

And we still do.

Do you know how much time it takes to do all that snuggling?  HOURS.  Dinner dishes do not get washed when we snuggle the babies.  

So, he gets so much sh*t done because he's not snuggling babies.  He is neglecting babies.  He is ignoring babies.  And the babies are waiting until it's time to go back to their Mama Bird, because she will snuggle them in her nest and give them all the love and birds and squawking and singing they need.

I am still their primary attachment figure, but they have to do without me far too much, because, you know, their father has to assert his rights.  Meanwhile, he's completely unavailable to love and care for anyone, since he is out there, getting so much Sh*t Done.

Thanks for reading,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell


Charming Image 
by Bev Sykes "Mama and Baby"
Used by Creative Commons License on Flickr.com