Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Write for the Observer

For a long time, I felt helpless when I had to communicate with my child(ren)'s father during and after our divorce.   He sent long, crazy, twisted emails.  I felt that I needed to respond to these 1000-3000 word attacks and set the record straight.  I felt that I needed to reason with him, defend myself, and share information to be a good co-parent.

I eventually learned that I was dealing with a Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath.  I learned the concepts of No Contact and Limited Contact.

Limited Contact is required when we share child custody with a disordered person.

I have strict Rules of Non-Engagement, which include short emails.  From time to time, I purposely deviate from my rule of non-engagement, and I write a lengthy email to the narcissist-psychopath.  

by torbakhopper on flickr

Why do I engage? 

I write to give AN OBSERVER a picture of the lifestyle and mothering I provide for my child(ren).  The purpose of the lengthy email is NOT to communicate facts to the disordered father.  No, no, no. A short email or text would do that.  The lengthy email is an advertisement for my general awesomeness, and a weapon of defense for my lawyer to use should we ever need it.  Anyone reading the lengthy email can see that I love my kids, that I am thoughtful, intelligent, insightful.

The psychopath doesn't care what I have to say, not in terms of collaboration that would help us to better care for our child(ren).  That would be CO-PARENTING.  He doesn't want to CO-PARENT.  He doesn't want to have normal, decent communication.  No.  He is looking for information to USE and ABUSE in order to MANIPULATE, CONTROL, TORMENT, etc.

Why does he do that?   He is a PSYCHOPATH.

I give him the information that I want him to have, and no other.

Since he lies pathologically, I no longer believe anything he says.  Not one single word.

If he were to say that the color of the sky is blue, I would not believe him.

Likewise, if I remark about the color of the sky, he will argue with my assessment.  I do not argue.

I think of it like this:
It's a game of Tennis, and all I do is SERVE.
I do not care if he hits the ball back.
I have no intention of volleying that ball.
We are not having a conversation about our children.
It is NOT a collaboration.  
A person can not converse nor collaborate with a PSYCHOPATH.

When I write him a lengthy email, I have archived my awesomeness.  It becomes part of the Record.  Someday, maybe, someone might actually care to read our emails.  Probably not, but maybe.  I want every single communication I have sent to the Psychopath to reflect my general Goodness, Sanity, Reasonableness, etc.  There is no reason for me to express my FEELINGS to the PSYCHOPATH, unless, I have carefully considered the BENEFIT to my child(ren) in doing so.  Someday, the psychopath may go to court, and try to prove to a judge that I am a horrible human being, unfit to raise his child(ren).  Why would I give the Psychopath any ammunition?  I don't.   In fact, I think of the lengthy emails as a little insurance policy for my protection.  


Occasional Emails to the Psychopathic Father Are Designed to Demonstrate My
1. Love for My Child(ren)
2. Intelligence
3. Thoughtfulness
4. Insight
5. General Maternal Awesomeness

by A.K.A. Rose Lee Mitchell


Beautiful Photograph by torbakhopper on flicker. 
Title "use your words" ishootwindows san francisco (2014)

Used under the Creative Commons License

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