Write for the Observer

For a long time, I felt helpless when I had to communicate with my child(ren)'s father during and after our divorce.   He sent long, crazy, twisted emails.  I felt that I needed to respond to these 1000-3000 word attacks and set the record straight.  I felt that I needed to reason with him, defend myself, and share information to be a good co-parent.

I eventually learned that I was dealing with a Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath.  I learned the concepts of No Contact and Limited Contact.

Limited Contact is required when we share child custody with a disordered person.

I have strict Rules of Non-Engagement, which include short emails.  From time to time, I purposely deviate from my rule of non-engagement, and I write a lengthy email to the narcissist-psychopath.  

Why do I engage? 

I write to give AN OBSERVER a picture of the lifestyle and mothering I provide for my child(ren).  The purpose of the lengthy email is NOT to communicate facts to the disordered father.  No, no, no. A short email or text would do that.  The lengthy email is an advertisement for my general awesomeness, and a weapon of defense for my lawyer to use should we ever need it.  Anyone reading the lengthy email can see that I love my kids, that I am thoughtful, intelligent, insightful.

The psychopath doesn't care what I have to say, not in terms of collaboration that would help us to better care for our child(ren).  That would be CO-PARENTING.  He doesn't want to CO-PARENT.  He doesn't want to have normal, decent communication.  No.  He is looking for information to USE and ABUSE in order to MANIPULATE, CONTROL, TORMENT, etc.

Why does he do that?   He is a PSYCHOPATH.

I give him the information that I want him to have, and no other.

Since he lies pathologically, I no longer believe anything he says.  Not one single word.

If he were to say that the color of the sky is blue, I would not believe him.

Likewise, if I remark about the color of the sky, he will argue with my assessment.  I do not argue.

I think of it like this:
It's a game of Tennis, and all I do is SERVE.
I do not care if he hits the ball back.
I have no intention of volleying that ball.
We are not having a conversation about our children.
It is NOT a collaboration.  
A person can not converse nor collaborate with a PSYCHOPATH.

When I write him a lengthy email, I have archived my awesomeness.  It becomes part of the Record.  Someday, maybe, someone might actually care to read our emails.  Probably not, but maybe.  I want every single communication I have sent to the Psychopath to reflect my general Goodness, Sanity, Reasonableness, etc.  There is no reason for me to express my FEELINGS to the PSYCHOPATH, unless, I have carefully considered the BENEFIT to my child(ren) in doing so.  Someday, the psychopath may go to court, and try to prove to a judge that I am a horrible human being, unfit to raise his child(ren).  Why would I give the Psychopath any ammunition?  I don't.   In fact, I think of the lengthy emails as a little insurance policy for my protection.  

SUMMARY:

Occasional Emails to the Psychopathic Father Are Designed to Demonstrate My
1. Love for My Child(ren)
2. Intelligence
3. Thoughtfulness
4. Insight
5. General Maternal Awesomeness

by A.K.A. Rose Lee Mitchell

http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2015/02/write-for-observer.html



Beautiful Photograph by torbakhopper on flicker. 
Title "use your words" ishootwindows san francisco (2014)
Used under the Creative Commons License

Anatomy of the Overt Email Threat

Anatomy of the Overt Email Threat From the Psychopathic or Narcissistic Ex-husband With Whom One Shares Child Custody

This is a breakdown of threatening emails I typically receive from my Ex-Husband. He will

a. Present a kind, decent and professional tone.

b. Pretend Helpfulness. 

c. Lie about me as if it were a fact.  

d. Pose as a righteous, good, upstanding man.  

e. Slather on the drama.

f.  THIS ONE IS VERY IMPORTANT: State that it’s not just HIM that sees it HIS way.  It’s EVERYONE.  It’s THEM against me.  Make it seem that I am outnumbered and alone. EVERYONE is on his side.  

g. Tell me what I should be doing if I were being Right and Good and Worthy, like him.

h. OVERTLY THREATEN to sue for full custody if I don’t do his will.   

i. Try to induce guilt with a lie couched as fact.

j. Demand answers to questions he asks about vague issues that he made up.   

Item j. doesn’t make sense.  That’s right.  It doesn’t make sense.  It’s crazy making.  That’s what it’s like to deal with a Psychopath or Narcissist.  Nothing makes sense.  It’s a red flag that you are dealing with a Psychopathic or Narcissistic person.  Get away quickly.  

An important part of the threat is that He Created This Issue.  

It’s a non-issue that he has made into an issue in order to ATTEMPT to:

1. Scare Me

2. Control Me I know what he is capable of.  He is reminding me of his viciousness.  He is saying: don’t mess with me. I’m more powerful than you. 

3. Destroy My Happiness Good things are happening in my life.  He hears about it.   He wants me destroyed.   He thinks: I have failed at destroying my ex-wife? Quick, let me do something to mess with her head.  

4. Engage with the Target I’m the target.  He used to control me.  He doesn’t control me anymore. This makes him mad.  He wants me back UNDER HIS CONTROL.  Even though it looks as if he has moved on, he wants me back UNDER HIS CONTROL.  

When he sends the email he: 

5. Releases Tension Something is not right in his life.  I’m the dog that he kicks when he’s down.  Money

trouble?  Relationship trouble?  Anything.  Stress?  He kicks the target with a threatening email, and he feels better.  

6. Engages With the Target Even if I don’t respond, he engaged by pressing send.  It’s like he’s using porn.  He had sex with himself.    

7. Gets Off On It  Yes I do mean sexually.  I think he gets sexual pleasure from writing the email and sending it to me.   And if he doesn’t get sexual pleasure, then he gets some sort of pleasure.  Like a child tearing the wings off of butterflies. 

My tactics: 

Plan A:  Ignore the hell out of him. 

Sometimes this works, but N/P’s hate being ignored, so it can make it worse.  

Plan B: Write a very pleasant email where I say something to soothe the dragon.  

This usually works, and he goes away for a while. 

Plan C: Let the cards fall where they may.   (also a general life strategy)

I’m not in charge of the universe.  If he wants to actually go to court to fight for custody, there’s nothing I can do to control him.  So, I’m not gonna worry bout it one lil bit.  I’m gon go have some fun, make some dough, get some sleep, enjoy my life, and relish the fact that I am no longer married to a Psychopathic Ass.  

Be Well People.


http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2013/03/anatomy-of-overt-email-threat.html

         

Beautiful Photograph by S-A-M on flicker.
Title "Strength"
http://www.flickr.com/photos/s-a-m/372459311/
Used under the Creative Commons License


More reading: Grey Rock
http://180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/