(I wrote this in response to a reader's comment on a recent post. I am sorry it is a huge downer. But, it is my truth, as I have lived it. Those of you who are in a relationship or marriage with a psychopath AND WHO DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN with the psychopath --- you are lucky! YOU ARE NOT TRAPPED. Leave. Leave now. Go no contact. If you are PREGNANT, and early in the pregnancy, it is my opinion that you should ABORT the pregnancy immediately and get away from the psychopath immediately.)
Unfortunately, dealing with a NSP requires a lot of STRATEGY.
When we are in the midst of interacting with judges (actual judges in a court setting - or any type of judge, in the form of mediators, custody evaluators, social workers, pediatricians, etc), we have to participate in a way that we might not otherwise bother - since it's a waste of our time. There is too much 'secret code' conversation coming from the abuser, and only we can see it. There is too much nonsense to filter through. Too many lies to defend ourselves from. Too much to explain, correct, etc. You know.
And, when the NSP is highly intelligent, highly 'respected/respectable', the NSP will always win. Always. Somehow the lies (told by the NSP) are more compelling than the truth (told by the target).
I personally keep one eye on some future where 'someone' might review my communication with the NSP, but mostly, I have learned that NOBODY GIVES A SH-T about me, the NSP, or our children. As mothers, we like to think that there will be some Savior who Gets It and Helps Us and Our Children, who Delivers Us From This Tragic Union With The Psychopath. I have never ever found this to be the case (with the exception of some friends - who hold zero power to effect change in the situation). Most people are just trying to get through the day, get their paycheck and get home to their jammies/pets/wine/netflix. This goes for Lawyers, Judges, Social Workers, Therapists, Teachers, Pediatricians.
I have slowly learned that nobody gives a crap. They may have some compassion for us, a listening ear, but no change will come of it. Kindness and Prayer will keep us afloat. Reading websites (like this one) will help us navigate the strange path we wander -- I read websites like this VORACIOUSLY before and during and after leaving the NSP, desperate for some sort of sense-making. No meaningful outward change, like a custody evaluation that rights the wrong, has ever come. No therapist has ever made any concrete improvement in my life or my childrens' lives. We soldier on, victim to the psychopath's whim and treachery. Too dramatic, you say? No. Not too dramatic. Accurate. If you have lived it, you know.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A LIVING HELL.
I wasted so many years of my life SPINNING from the psychopath influence in my life. I wish I could say that I have stopped SPINNING. But I have not. I do my best, but my life is still dominated by him, and in many ways - destroyed - by my inability to escape him BECAUSE HE IS THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN.
I don't waste much time or energy on documentation, or tending to the nonsense waste of communication word salad cognitive dissonant bs that the NSP serves up. Mostly I blatantly ignore.
Also, my 'fight for what is right for the kids' never ever panned out. The NSP is living the dream life as the Great White Male who does no wrong. A lot like Donald Trump. He can be the most repulsive offensive asshat in the universe, but he prevails because of privilege. Who am I? I am only The Mother, The Woman.
I am sorry that this is a downer. But IT IS THE TRUTH that I have experienced thus far, in my long and wasted fight...
Keep up your fight if you have it in you, if you are compelled, if your gut tells you to fight. Do that. Your circumstance may require it. I felt required and compelled when my kids were much younger than they are now, when they were more vulnerable, when I was less experienced in the ways of the legal system and the ways of the world.
Yes, you feel trapped. I feel trapped. I believe we absolutely are trapped. And we have to do the best we can in our circumstance.