Do Your Due Diligence

The Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath, with whom I share custody of my child(ren) and from whom I am divorced, is remarried.

His New Wife

My friends and I, we have worried for her, and prayed for her.  We have wished there was a way to intervene, to protect her from the hell she unknowingly signed up for when she allowed a psychopath into her life.

I have no contact with her because the man she married is a psychopath.
Her husband is my former husband.
I could not reach out to her without doing damage to myself.

If I could communicate with the current wife, this is what I would say to her.  And to all of the spring chickens out there, who haven't lived enough yet to understand the way the world can work.

Do Your Due Diligence

I know it is hard to do due diligence on a man who has targeted you.  He has you in his sight.  You are his goal, and he is doing everything he can to win.  To win the game.

He uses everything you say, to win you.  Any information you give him will be used.  Pro and Con.

You are impressed by his big professional status, and his big house.  You are impressed by the display of wealth.

You are impressed by my lovely, bright, articulate child(ren).  The child(ren) used as bait.

Your dreams are used as bait.

You have conveyed your dreams to him.  He seems so interested in your dreams.  He compliments  and praises your passion for life.  He promises to help make your dreams come true.  You will be a team.

I have watched from afar this dream of yours come to life.  You didn't need him to accomplish your dream.

Why does he want you so badly?

1. He wants to prove he is not a failure.  In his mind:  His wife left him, therefore, he's a failure.  He couldn't keep me, or control me.  I escaped.  He failed.

2. He wants help with the child(ren).  Raising a child is hard work.  It is work he never did much of when he was married to me, the mother.  He was largely absent from our lives.  He wants you to do the work.  And you do.  You are the unpaid help.  He flatters your mothering skills.  He's all about the flattery.

3. He wants the added income.  You make good money.  Your money offsets the expense of paying my alimony and child support.   I was a stay-at-home mom.  I didn't work.  You work.  He enjoys the financial damage control and the bonus to his lifestyle.

4. Sex?  I guess he wants you for sex.  But, there probably isn't much sex.

5. His House.  He wants to share the expenses and household chores.  It's a big house.  It takes a lot to heat and cool that monstrosity.   You help pay for the maid?  The gardener?

6. He wants a toy.  You are it.  He messes with your mind.  Dominates you.  Controls you.  Wear and Tear you down.  Good times.  Am I right?



How You Could Have Done Due Diligence

1. You could have dated him for longer.

Much longer.  You didn't date him nearly long enough, and you agreed to marry him much too soon.   You met him and married him within a year.  Not nearly long enough.

However, he kept up his act with me for nearly three years, so, if an N/S/P wants you badly enough, they can keep up the act for longer.  And, he may be on better behavior with you for longer, because you haven't gotten pregnant.  You are employed.  You could still walk out pretty easily.

Is he showing his true colors to you yet?  I know he has shown you some, but can you see it? Maybe they are still too subtle?  Is he wearing you down slowly?

2. Financial Audit.

You could have asked to see his tax returns, and an accounting of his assets/liabilities.  Not so romantic.  And he is such a liar that he would have done a reasonable job obfuscating the truth.  Obfuscation is one of his favorite communication techniques.  Have you discovered that yet?  Surely, you have.

It would have been difficult to see the truth since he was still involved in divorcing me.  Also, not so romantic.  Maybe that should have been part of the due diligence process for you.  A clue.  Like, don't agree to marry anyone who is divorcing.  Let the dust settle.  Let the cards and finances fall where they may.  Because, I don't see how you could have not gotten screwed in the process of him screwing me during our property settlement.

Why on earth would you sign up to participate with a man who is financially still entangled with his ex-wife?  I truly don't want to be mean, but, isn't that sorta Dumb?

3. Talk to the Family.

Ugh.  This one is tough because you were getting snowed from all angles.   I assume that his family was desperate for things to be made right for their darling angel.  He is the crown prince of the family, can't you see?  His mother is desperate for a daughter-in-law who will cow-tow, and whose boundaries she can violate, and on whom she can dote/smother.   I know you are aware of this by now.

I know you tended to her at the beginning and I know you are worn out with her already.

4. Snooping.

If you had snooped in his email, that would have helped.  You would have seen all the crazy emails he wrote to me.  Snooping is also extremely unromantic.  Not the foundation of trust one wants in a new marriage.  But, shouldn't trust be earned rather than freely given? 

You gave your trust to an untrustworthy person.

( Side note to my self: ALERT!  Ethical Dilemma! After being in a relationship with a psychopath, will I snoop around in a romantic partner's email account?  Horror.  That's not who I want to be!  But, that is what it takes to be in a relationship with a psycho.  Strategy.  Deception.  No Thanks!  And this is why I maintain Extremely Limited Contact with the psychopathic father of my child(ren).)

5. Steer Clear of the Man With the "Crazy" Ex-wife.

Calling me crazy was the name of his game.  By now, however, you have probably started to wonder: How Crazy Can She Be?  His argument is worn out.  Time marches on, and no sign of Crazy Ex-Wife have you seen. Maybe the fact that I won't talk to him, see him, come near him, sit with him, participate in any way with him or his family....maybe that looked crazy or questionable to you, back then.  But, maybe by now, you have seen enough of his crazy behavior, and the way he treats his child(ren) and your pet(s)...that my avoidance of him is starting to make sense?

Calling the target "crazy" is typical of an abuser.  He used his "Crazy" Ex-wife as a marketing tool to win you.  He flattered you by telling you how much better you were than me.  I don't know this for sure, but I can hear him now, complimenting you about how good you are with his child(ren).  So much better than his crazy ex-wife.  Flattery.

He's a Really Good Psychopath

You were his target.

He wanted you, and he got you.  You were easy.  You married him too soon.  You asked too few questions.  You didn't press for the hard answers.   You didn't walk away when he gave you a reason, and I know he gave you reason.

I expect that he is desperate to keep you.  I expect he doesn't want the stain of another divorce.  I expect that his game has improved, which may keep you around longer.

If you leave him, he will find another woman asap.  We are utterly replaceable.

He doesn't see us for ourselves, just for the services that we provide.  We fill in the blank.



by AKA Rose Lee Mitchell


Further reading for the spring chickens: Here is how life really does work, when one is dealing with an entitled, abusive, narcissistic spouse.  
From the New York Times:  Divorce Funding Firms Help Spouses Expecting Big Payouts

Binocular Photograph by "Daniele Zanni" on flickr. 

Title "A sort of birdwatching"
Used under the Creative Commons License

Target Photograph by "Pete" on flickr. 

Title "Stay On Target"
Used under the Creative Commons License