He wants my time, and my attention.
He wants contact.
The Art of Ignoring
It is only recently that I have realized how much intentionality it takes to IGNORE someone.
No Contact or Limited Contact takes practice and skill.
I have Policies and Procedures to manage communication.
All the self-help literature says that buy Ignoring the N/P, we Punish the N/P.
I have moved past a desire to Punish.
I simply do not care.
My life is worth more than that.
Less is More
Less Contact = More Peace, Sanity, Time, Happiness...
Contact = Drama. Arguing. Fighting. Confusion. Debates. Explaining. Repeating. Upset...
No Contact = Rainbows. Sunshine. Peace. Quiet. Loveliness. Kittens. Hearts. Smiles...
I can think about what matters to me.
My finances, my retirement funds, the stock market.
My future. Dating.
Maybe I could buy a farm out in the country.
I get to stare off into space and breathe deeply and think about nothing.
The N/P wants a fight. He wants Drama.
I want a peaceful, happy life. Filled with Joy.
I have no interest in fighting. I never did.
I wanted a peaceful life, with a good and decent husband, love, security, a happy home.
I wanted to care for my children.
I wanted to flourish in my career.
I wanted a sanctuary.
I wanted to make a lot of love.
I wanted health.
I wanted good sleep.
I wanted money in the bank.
What I wanted, I could not have in a marriage with the N/P.
Getting out of the marriage took a long, long time.
And now, I am out.
I focus on what is important.
I focus on my life.
I do not focus on his disorder.
Not My Problem
He will be disordered forever.
I sincerely do not care.
It is not my problem.
One can argue that the N/P is still my problem, because I have children with him.
Well, sure, okay.
If I want it to be a problem, it is.
But, I don't want it to be a problem.
And it certainly isn't a problem today.
Right now, the N/P is meaningless.
Today, the sun shines.
The N/P is not here.
The house is warm and lovely.
The children play happily.
Food cooks on the stove.
I have no worries today.
I stopped fighting with the N/P.
He is always right. He is never wrong.
What is there to discuss?
He wants to renegotiate such and such.
No thanks. Ignore.
He wants to exchange information about this and that.
No thanks. Ignore.
I languished in the marriage, wishing for things to be better and different.
Because, if only xyz, we could have had such a nice life, etc. etc. etc.
I languished after the divorce, trying to make things better and different.
Because, things could have been so much better, if only xyz.
The N/P wants things (and people) to be broken, damaged, exhausted, difficult, confusing, etc.
My children have a relationship with their disordered parent. I don't.
They will grow up and choose if they want to continue the relationship with the N/P. Their choice.
The choice, is their choice.
I can move halfway around the world, if I choose.
Or, I can get that place in the country, down the road about 30 miles.
The N/P has no say.
Moving on from the wreckage of the life once lived with the N/P seems to be the ultimate goal.
To heal our past. To reclaim ourselves.
To put a new sheen on what happened.
To find redemption.
To see the silver lining.
To create something of value from waste.
To become the person we were meant to become, before a disordered con-artist came and sucked us into the swirling vortex of nonsense, pain, debt and destruction.
It's no longer about the Fight with the N/P.
The N/P no longer matters.
by A.K.A. Rose Lee Mitchell
(N/P = Narcissist/Psychopath)
Photograph by "A" on flicker.Title "JOY"
Used under the Creative Commons License