Emotional and Verbal Abuse via Email

Emotional abuse via email.

We complain about how the abuser continues to berate us post-divorce.  Despite the passage of time and reduced contact, we still receive his hate via email.  We can't escape reading the incessant and pointless arguments, because we had the grave misfortune of having their children.  But, we can and do choose to not respond to the bait. 

Even though I am many years separated and divorced from the NSP (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath), he routinely sends emotional assaults my way via email and by way of my children.  I have reduced face-to-face contact to nearly zero, so he doesn't come at me that way anymore.

Come at me.  Assault.  Abuse.  I use this language purposely.

The psychopath wants to kick you in the mouth precisely to keep you down.

He wants to knock the wind out of your sails, using all that intimate knowledge of your heart and history, gathered when he was your intimate partner.  If it is special to you, it will be used against you.  Hopefully you held some secrets back.  I did.  He'll use everything and anything to hurt you.   He’ll take achievements that you feel proud of, and twist them into shameful experiences.   And you’ll be left wondering, WTF? 

This is why no contact is the best way to go.  Except, in our case, with dependent children in tow, we must maintain some contact.  In my situation, I currently dance between extreme low contact and controlled contact.  I control the contact.  My terms.  My show.

Recently I attended an event with my children. My exhusband appeared.  Oh, by the way, I looked fabulous (and confident and happy and strong).  Even though the sight of him was so much less-than-pleasant for me, I played it cool.  No biggie.  Yes, yes, yes, much time has passed.  And yes, of course, my cool wore thin as the night wore on - I can only take so much. (He spoke to me after all.  Vomit.)  Compared to years past when a mere glimpse of him would send me into a post-traumatic state --- this is major improvement and cause for celebration.

I try to avoid the face-to-face enounters also, because I believe that it flares the psychopath.  He sees me, and then some bad behavior follows.  He viciously attacks my children with hateful slanderous words about their mother.  (This is child abuse.)  He sends me hateful and slanderous emails accusing me of all manner of nonsense.  His swirl of hate spilling forth, while me and my kids are trying to live our lives.  And we’re like: WTF?  We mustn't be too happy or too comfortable, or daddy will come to destroy our calm, and knock us off center. 

Remember all those years when you were at his whim?  When you had to live in the same house?  They call it ‘walking on eggshells’ but that never resonated with me.  It was more like dodging bullets.  It was more like waiting for the bomb to go off.   Bombs detonating all weekend, and nearly every holiday.  What a life.  

I believe one of the best responses to such a (stupid and spineless) attack is no response at all.  Silence for him.  Oh Look, Daddy throwing a little hissy fit over there! Daddy is a drama queen. Next.

The latest attack on my self comes predictably.   After all, HE SAW ME.  He knows that I am doing great.   I look great.  Happy and calm.   

The shitty things he writes are annoying, but really, they are just stupid lies, and I'm not going to fight with him.  The part that hurts (and makes me feel small) is that I made such a mistake in CHOOSING HIM to be my intimate partner in life, and he turned out to be such a horror.  The sinking feeling of regret that I didn't know how to get away from him sooner.  The pain of wasted time - that it took me as long as it took to escape and untangle.   He got so far into my heart and mind that I am still recovering from his whittling away at my self esteem all these years later.  That sucks!    I didn't jump ship at 6 months, or one year.  I wish I had!  I was still strong back then!   I didn't know the signs, or what those signs meant.  If I had, I would have fled.  I didn’t trust my gut. 

But I didn't know!  Couldn't know!  Unfortunate me.  (This is one of the reasons that I write and share online, to shed some light on the abuse so many of us face.)

In response to the endless hate emotional abuse emails it is super tempting to "set him straight" and "tell him like it is".    No. No no no no no no.  He knows what the facts are.  I don't get it, but clearly he enjoys twisting the truth.  He delights in it.  

Think about that.   Years later.  He is still trying to engage his ex-wife.  Writing hate mail to her.  Seriously?  That is who he IS.   He is so sick and small and deranged that he writes hate mail to a woman who DUMPED HIM.  Who said: See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!    Who said: Later tater.   

He has a NEW WIFE and he is still focused on ME.  SERIOUSLY?????  Are you kidding me?  GET A LIFE man. 

And I'm not gonna actually say that to him.  Because, why?  Why engage?  Don't engage.  He lives for the fight.  The psychopath wants attention.  He is the earth and the sun circles round him.  Or rather, he wishes it did.  

Let it go.

So, my response to his latest version of reality, where I am the target of his hate:  

No response at all.   Let him spin. 

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If you have an example of an emotionally abusive email from your ex, and you would like to share it,  you are welcome to.  Please remove all identifying information.  I will review it and post it.

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Be well,

AKA Rose Lee Mitchell

Photograph by Olaf Eichler234/365Used under Creative Commons license

Related Articles: 

How the Emotional Abuse Continues in spite of Extreme Low Contact

Peace

The N/P* tries to lure me into a fight.
He wants my time, and my attention.
He wants contact.

No.

The Art of Ignoring

It is only recently that I have realized how much intentionality it takes to IGNORE someone.

Effort.
No Contact or Limited Contact takes practice and skill.
Restraint.

I have Policies and Procedures to manage communication.

All the self-help literature says that buy Ignoring the N/P, we Punish the N/P.
I have moved past a desire to Punish.
I simply do not care.

My life is worth more than that.

Less is More

Less Contact = More Peace, Sanity, Time, Happiness...

Contact = Drama. Arguing. Fighting. Confusion. Debates. Explaining. Repeating. Upset...

No Contact = Rainbows. Sunshine. Peace. Quiet. Loveliness. Kittens. Hearts. Smiles...

I can think about what matters to me.
My finances, my retirement funds, the stock market.
My future.  Dating.
Maybe I could buy a farm out in the country.
I get to stare off into space and breathe deeply and think about nothing.


Peace


The N/P wants a fight.  He wants Drama.

I want a peaceful, happy life.  Filled with Joy.

I have no interest in fighting.  I never did.

I wanted a peaceful life, with a good and decent husband, love, security, a happy home.
I wanted to care for my children.
I wanted to flourish in my career.
I wanted a sanctuary.
I wanted to make a lot of love.
I wanted health.
I wanted good sleep.
I wanted money in the bank.

What I wanted, I could not have in a marriage with the N/P.

Getting out of the marriage took a long, long time.

Years.

And now, I am out.
I focus on what is important.
I focus on my life.

I do not focus on his disorder.


Not My Problem


He will be disordered forever.
I sincerely do not care.
It is not my problem.

One can argue that the N/P is still my problem, because I have children with him.
Well, sure, okay.
If I want it to be a problem, it is.
But, I don't want it to be a problem.
And it certainly isn't a problem today.
Right now, the N/P is meaningless.
Today, the sun shines.
The N/P is not here.
The house is warm and lovely.
The children play happily.
Food cooks on the stove.
I have no worries today.

I stopped fighting with the N/P.
He is always right.  He is never wrong. 
Okay.
What is there to discuss?
Nothing. 
He wants to renegotiate such and such.
No thanks. Ignore. 
He wants to exchange information about this and that.
No thanks. Ignore.

I languished in the marriage, wishing for things to be better and different.
Because, if only xyz, we could have had such a nice life, etc. etc. etc.   

I languished after the divorce, trying to make things better and different.
Because, things could have been so much better, if only xyz.  

NO. 

The N/P wants things (and people) to be broken, damaged, exhausted, difficult, confusing, etc.

My children have a relationship with their disordered parent.  I don't.
They will grow up and choose if they want to continue the relationship with the N/P.  Their choice.
The choice, is their choice.
I can move halfway around the world, if I choose.
Or, I can get that place in the country, down the road about 30 miles.

Ya know?
The N/P has no say.

Moving On

Moving on from the wreckage of the life once lived with the N/P seems to be the ultimate goal.
To heal our past.  To reclaim ourselves.
To put a new sheen on what happened.
To find redemption.
To see the silver lining.
To create something of value from waste.
To become the person we were meant to become, before a disordered con-artist came and sucked us into the swirling vortex of nonsense, pain, debt and destruction.

It's no longer about the Fight with the N/P.
The N/P no longer matters.

We matter.


by A.K.A. Rose Lee Mitchell


(N/P = Narcissist/Psychopath)

http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2015/02/peace.html

Photograph by "A" on flicker. 

Title "JOY"
Used under the Creative Commons License

How Do I "get along" with the narcissist/sociopath/psychopath?

DO NOT ENGAGE. 

Communication Protocols

In this post, I aim to describe how I "get along" with the narcissistic/sociopathic/psychopathic ex-husband with whom I must share child custody.

With shared custody, one must participate with the other parent. "No Contact" is not possible.   But, how much participation must we actually have?   There is a rock-solid custody agreement.  There is very little to discuss. 

The disordered person wants engagement, drama, entanglement, confusion, details, discussion, attention, accusations, defenses, explanation….and on and on.   Give an inch, and he'll try to take a mile.  Therefore, the rule of the game is to Reduce Engagement With The Disordered Person As Much As Possible. 

I have a set of policies and procedures that I practice to reduce engagement with the disordered father of my child(ren). 

The Short List 

1. A Dedicated Mobile Phone, Only For Him.  

2. No Voice Conversations - Texts Only. 

3. A Dedicated Email Account, Only For Him.

4. Texts Instead of Email Whenever Possible. 

5. Reduce Face-To-Face Contact To Nearly Zero. 

6. Delay. a.k.a. The 24hr Rule.

Here's a little more detail.

1. A Dedicated Mobile Phone, Only For Him.  

My child(ren) always have access to this phone to contact their father. 

We have a spot where the phone lives in the house.

We have given the phone a name.  (Example: We named the Daddy-Phone "Peanut.")  
I think this helps reduce the drama for my child(ren). 

He may contact them on this phone. 

We do not call Daddy from Mommy's Phone.  

Daddy is not allowed to call Mommy's Phone.  

Daddy is only allowed to call The Daddy-Phone. 

2. No Voice Conversations - Texts Only. 

I do not talk to him on the phone. 

I text, and only from The Daddy-Phone. 

I don’t need the psychopath to reach out and touch me via my personal phone.  

He needs to be sequestered. 

I check the Daddy-Phone at least once per day. 

I do not check it at night, close to bedtime, because I don't need to get upset/rattled/energized. 

But, he doesn't text very much, because I don’t engage.

3. A Dedicated Email Account, Only For Him.

I used to check this once a day. 

Then, I checked it 2 times a week. 

Then, I checked it once a week. 

Nowadays, I check it about 2 times a month.  Or whenever I need to send something. 

4. Texts Instead of Email Whenever Possible. 

Texts are preferable to email. 

The shorter, the better. 

The less engagement, the better. 

The less I say, the less there is to say. 

Texting tends to keep his responses short.

5. Reduce Face-To-Face Contact To Nearly Zero. 

Custody exchanges happen at school.  Sometimes, when there is a holiday, or a teacher workday, we exchange the kid(s) in a public location.  I often have a friend do this for me.   I find that the more face-time he gets, the more agitated/enraged/interested he becomes.

6. Delay. a.k.a. The 24hr Rule.

When it seems like there is a need to respond to an email, I have a 24 hr rule.  There is usually nothing so important/urgent that demands a quick response.  I find that by giving myself a cushion of time, I give myself peace.   Often, I find that I can wait even longer.  A two or three day cushion lets me really measure my response.  Best case: an entire week.   Often, after waiting a week, I find that I don’t need to respond at all. 

More than anything, the psychopath (narcissist, sociopath) wants your attention. 

He wants your time, your energy and your pain. 

Don't give it.

http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2015/01/how-do-i-get-along-with.html

Photograph by Mark Nockleby on flicker. 
Title "Denver Roller Dolls Mile High Club roll out before the championship bout"
Used under the Creative Commons License

Anatomy of the Overt Email Threat

Anatomy of the Overt Email Threat From the Psychopathic or Narcissistic Ex-husband With Whom One Shares Child Custody

This is a breakdown of threatening emails I typically receive from my Ex-Husband. He will

a. Present a kind, decent and professional tone.

b. Pretend Helpfulness. 

c. Lie about me as if it were a fact.  

d. Pose as a righteous, good, upstanding man.  

e. Slather on the drama.

f.  THIS ONE IS VERY IMPORTANT: State that it’s not just HIM that sees it HIS way.  It’s EVERYONE.  It’s THEM against me.  Make it seem that I am outnumbered and alone. EVERYONE is on his side.  

g. Tell me what I should be doing if I were being Right and Good and Worthy, like him.

h. OVERTLY THREATEN to sue for full custody if I don’t do his will.   

i. Try to induce guilt with a lie couched as fact.

j. Demand answers to questions he asks about vague issues that he made up.   

Item j. doesn’t make sense.  That’s right.  It doesn’t make sense.  It’s crazy making.  That’s what it’s like to deal with a Psychopath or Narcissist.  Nothing makes sense.  It’s a red flag that you are dealing with a Psychopathic or Narcissistic person.  Get away quickly.  

An important part of the threat is that He Created This Issue.  

It’s a non-issue that he has made into an issue in order to ATTEMPT to:

1. Scare Me

2. Control Me I know what he is capable of.  He is reminding me of his viciousness.  He is saying: don’t mess with me. I’m more powerful than you. 

3. Destroy My Happiness Good things are happening in my life.  He hears about it.   He wants me destroyed.   He thinks: I have failed at destroying my ex-wife? Quick, let me do something to mess with her head.  

4. Engage with the Target I’m the target.  He used to control me.  He doesn’t control me anymore. This makes him mad.  He wants me back UNDER HIS CONTROL.  Even though it looks as if he has moved on, he wants me back UNDER HIS CONTROL.  

When he sends the email he: 

5. Releases Tension Something is not right in his life.  I’m the dog that he kicks when he’s down.  Money

trouble?  Relationship trouble?  Anything.  Stress?  He kicks the target with a threatening email, and he feels better.  

6. Engages With the Target Even if I don’t respond, he engaged by pressing send.  It’s like he’s using porn.  He had sex with himself.    

7. Gets Off On It  Yes I do mean sexually.  I think he gets sexual pleasure from writing the email and sending it to me.   And if he doesn’t get sexual pleasure, then he gets some sort of pleasure.  Like a child tearing the wings off of butterflies. 

My tactics: 

Plan A:  Ignore the hell out of him. 

Sometimes this works, but N/P’s hate being ignored, so it can make it worse.  

Plan B: Write a very pleasant email where I say something to soothe the dragon.  

This usually works, and he goes away for a while. 

Plan C: Let the cards fall where they may.   (also a general life strategy)

I’m not in charge of the universe.  If he wants to actually go to court to fight for custody, there’s nothing I can do to control him.  So, I’m not gonna worry bout it one lil bit.  I’m gon go have some fun, make some dough, get some sleep, enjoy my life, and relish the fact that I am no longer married to a Psychopathic Ass.  

Be Well People.


http://roseleemitchellsblog.blogspot.com/2013/03/anatomy-of-overt-email-threat.html

         

Beautiful Photograph by S-A-M on flicker.
Title "Strength"
http://www.flickr.com/photos/s-a-m/372459311/
Used under the Creative Commons License


More reading: Grey Rock
http://180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/