Emotional abuse via email.
We complain about how the abuser
continues to berate us post-divorce.
Despite the passage of time and reduced contact, we still receive his hate via email. We can't escape reading the incessant and
pointless arguments, because we had the grave misfortune of having their
children. But, we can and do choose to not respond
to the bait.
Even though I am many years separated
and divorced from the NSP (Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath), he routinely sends emotional
assaults my way via email and by way of my children. I have reduced
face-to-face contact to nearly zero, so he doesn't come at me that way anymore.
Come at me. Assault.
Abuse. I use this language purposely.
The psychopath wants to kick you in the
mouth precisely to keep you down.
He wants to knock the wind out of your
sails, using all that intimate knowledge of your heart and history, gathered
when he was your intimate partner.
If it is special to you, it will be used against you. Hopefully you held some secrets
back. I did. He'll use
everything and anything to hurt you. He’ll take achievements that you feel proud of, and twist
them into shameful experiences.
And you’ll be left wondering, WTF?
This is why no contact is the best way to
go. Except, in our case, with dependent children in tow, we must maintain
some contact. In my situation, I currently
dance between extreme low contact and controlled contact. I control the
contact. My terms. My show.
Recently I attended an event with my
children. My exhusband appeared. Oh, by the way, I looked fabulous (and
confident and happy and strong). Even though the sight of him was so
much less-than-pleasant for me, I played it cool. No biggie. Yes, yes,
yes, much time has passed. And yes, of course, my cool wore thin as the
night wore on - I can only take so much. (He spoke to me after all.
Vomit.) Compared to years past when a mere glimpse of him would send
me into a post-traumatic state --- this is major improvement and cause for
celebration.
I try to avoid the face-to-face
enounters also, because I believe that it flares the psychopath. He sees
me, and then some bad behavior follows. He viciously attacks my children
with hateful slanderous words about their mother. (This is child abuse.) He sends me hateful and
slanderous emails accusing me of all manner of nonsense. His swirl of
hate spilling forth, while me and my kids are trying to live our lives. And
we’re like: WTF? We mustn't be too
happy or too comfortable, or daddy will come to destroy our calm, and knock us
off center.
Remember all those years when you were
at his whim? When you had to live
in the same house? They call it
‘walking on eggshells’ but that never resonated with me. It was more like dodging bullets. It was more like waiting for the bomb
to go off. Bombs detonating all weekend, and nearly every holiday. What a life.
I believe one of the best responses to
such a (stupid and spineless) attack is no response at all. Silence for him. Oh Look,
Daddy throwing a little hissy fit over there! Daddy is a drama queen. Next.
The latest attack on my self comes
predictably. After all, HE SAW ME. He knows that I am doing great. I look great. Happy and calm.
The shitty things he writes are annoying, but really, they are just stupid lies, and I'm not going to fight with him. The part that hurts (and makes me feel small) is that I made such a mistake in
CHOOSING HIM to be my intimate partner in life, and he turned out to be such a
horror. The sinking feeling of regret that I didn't know how to get away from him
sooner. The pain of wasted time - that it took me as long as it took to escape and untangle. He got so far into my heart and mind that I am still recovering from his whittling away at my self esteem all these years later. That sucks! I didn't jump ship
at 6 months, or one year. I wish I had! I was still strong back then! I didn't know the signs, or what those
signs meant. If I had, I would have fled. I didn’t trust my
gut.
But I didn't know! Couldn't
know! Unfortunate me. (This is one of the reasons that I write and share online, to shed some light on the abuse so many of us face.)
In response to the endless hate
emotional abuse emails it is super tempting to "set him straight" and
"tell him like it is". No. No no no no no no. He knows what the facts are. I don't get it, but clearly he enjoys twisting the truth. He delights in it.
Think about that. Years later. He is still trying to engage his ex-wife. Writing hate mail to her. Seriously? That is who he IS. He is so sick and small and deranged that he writes hate mail to a woman who DUMPED HIM. Who said: See ya, wouldn't want to be ya! Who said: Later tater.
He has a NEW WIFE and he is still focused on ME. SERIOUSLY????? Are you kidding me? GET A LIFE man.
And I'm not gonna actually say that to him. Because, why? Why engage? Don't engage. He lives for the fight. The psychopath wants attention. He
is the earth and the sun circles round him. Or rather, he wishes it did.
Let it go.
So, my response to his latest version of
reality, where I am the target of his hate:
No response at all. Let him spin.
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If you have an example of an emotionally abusive email from your ex, and you would like to share it, you are welcome to. Please remove all identifying information. I will review it and post it.
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Be well,
AKA Rose Lee Mitchell
If you have an example of an emotionally abusive email from your ex, and you would like to share it, you are welcome to. Please remove all identifying information. I will review it and post it.
----
Be well,
AKA Rose Lee Mitchell
Photograph by Olaf Eichler234/365Used under Creative Commons license
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How the Emotional Abuse Continues in spite of Extreme Low Contact